Turkey Baster

References

• Friendsgiving (definition)
• Friendsgiving (movie)
• Almost Plausible: Chicken Noodle Soup
• Almost Plausible: Bread Maker
• Almost Plausible: Padlock
• Almost Plausible: Shampoo
• Medieval Times
• The Switch
• Young Einstein
• A Knight’s Tale
• Mr. Bean
• The 40 Year Old Virgin
  • Bags of sand
• The Court Jester
• As You Like It
• Twelfth Night
• Big Business
• The Princess Bride
• Fawlty Towers

Transcript

[Intro music begins]

[Emily]
I want in the conversation too, for the Advisor to not know that the King is gay and just be like, “I don’t understand. Haven’t you been servicing the Queen?” He’s like, “Oh yeah, every fortnight.”

[Shep]
“Bags of sand.”

[Thomas]
Yeah, I was just thinking that.

[Emily]
And then have him be like, “Well, do you have any bastards?”

[Shep]
Or he thinks that he’s talking about a different kind of bastard, like the stable boy.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
He’s a bastard and the King has him.

[Thomas]
King’s got a type and it’s bad boys.

[Intro music]

[Thomas]
Hey there, story fans. Welcome to Almost Plausible, the podcast where we take ordinary objects and turn them into movies. One of my favorite holidays of the year is just days away here in the United States, and that is Thanksgiving. Joining me for this podtastic cornucopia are Emily-

[Emily]
Hey guys.

[Thomas]
And F. Paul Shepard.

[Shep]
Happy to be here.

[Thomas]
So where does Thanksgiving rank amongst the holidays for you two?

[Shep]
Pretty high. Because I get together with friends instead of family and we have big feast. These are two things that I enjoy.

[Thomas]
Yeah, same.

[Emily]
Yeah, it’s top three for me. Easy.

[Thomas]
Yeah. I love cooking. I love eating.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Thomas]
I love the food that we eat at Thanksgiving.

[Shep]
Oh, yes.

[Thomas]
And like you said, getting together with friends is fantastic.

[Emily]
Since Friendsgiving became a thing, it is the best holiday and I think we should in fact just change it to Friendsgiving and cut out that whole family dynamic altogether.

[Shep]
I agree.

[Thomas]
Well, hold that thought, because one of my pitches hinges on family dynamic at Thanksgiving.

[Shep]
Oh, no.

[Emily]
Oh, so does mine.

[Shep]
So not this year. Not this year.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Not this year, next year.

[Thomas]
After this. This will be like Hollywood struggling to catch up with the hot new trend of Friendsgiving.

[Emily]
Actually, they’ve already made a Friendsgiving movie.

[Thomas]
Have they?

[Emily]
I watched it last year. Yes, it’s got… big boobie girl-

[Thomas]
Christina Hendricks?

[Emily]
No-

[Shep]
Dolly Parton?

[Emily]
Dark hair, monotone voice. Did that show where she was a waitress.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah. Kat Dennings.

[Emily]
Kat Dennings is in it. It is alright.

[Thomas]
She’s great. I like Kat Dennings.

[Emily]
I love her and I love her in it, and it was a fine movie. There are parts of it that were really good and then the rest of it was like I guess people are like that. Anyway.

[Thomas]
Well, today we’re going to come up with a movie inspired by a Turkey Baster. So, Emily, let’s hear from you first.

[Emily]
All right, so I have: a woman is preparing a Thanksgiving dinner but can’t find her lucky Turkey Baster. The one handed down generation by generation. Her husband is confused as to why it’s so important. She tells the stories of Thanksgivings past, and the Turkey Baster plays a prominent role somehow in each story. Eventually, I think the end, it would be funny to find out that her either lesbian sister or gay brother took it and used it for artificial insemination. So that’s pitch number one.

[Thomas]
So it’s basically chicken noodle soup with, like, a twist joke ending.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
So it’s a 90-minute setup.

[Emily]
I like the long game joke. They are my favorite because I like that people get to the end and are just like “You wasted how much of my time for that punchline?” And I’m like “Yup.” It’s funny to me. Alright. And my second one is: a witch uses a Turkey Baster to suck the souls out of young virgins. It’s a supernatural serial killer story.

[Shep]
How does she suck the souls out?

[Emily]
Oh. She shoves it down their throat and goes-

[Thomas]
God.

[Shep]
Okay. Out of the throat. All right.

[Emily]
Yeah, out of the throat.

[Thomas]
This is like a post-Halloween movie. Like a late horror-

[Emily]
Yeah. I like to incorporate horror into everything-

[Thomas]
Sure.

[Shep]
Drips the soul into her bread maker.

[Thomas]
Yup, yup, yup.

[Emily]
And then sells magical locks.

[Thomas]
That she makes from shampoo.

[Shep]
It makes sense in context. If you’re confused, listen to all of our previous episodes.

[Thomas]
All right, well, I have a couple of pitches. The first is a family drama, as I said earlier, a family drama that takes place on Thanksgiving. It’s someone’s first time hosting Thanksgiving, or perhaps the first time since their divorce, and they want it to go perfectly so that they can prove to their family that they have their shit together. But they can’t find the Turkey Baster, although they’re sure they have one. Family members are turning the house upside down trying to find it, and eventually some people go out to buy a new one. But it’s a small town and the shops are closed. And so while all this searching for the Turkey Baster is going on, there’s intrafamilial strife. People arguing about the same old shit they always argue about.

[Shep]
I don’t know. It’s hard to have sympathy for someone who is trying to demonstrate that they have their shit together who didn’t check to make sure that they have their Turkey Baster days ahead of time.

[Emily]
I’m feeling very called out right now.

[Thomas]
My second pitch takes place at a Medieval Times style restaurant/venue, I don’t know what you call it, where they cook those giant turkey legs on a large rotating rotisserie rack. And our main character’s job is to squirt the turkey legs with turkey juices as they slowly trundle by. Our main character is literally employed as a Turkey Baster. It’s a job that could absolutely be automated, but it isn’t because that would be anachronistic. I have no idea what happens in the story, probably something magical, but the Turkey Baster ends up being the hero of the story.

[Shep]
How are they squirting the juices onto the leg? Are they using a Turkey Baster?

[Thomas]
Probably. Yeah.

[Shep]
Because that sounds like it would be anachronistic.

[Emily]
They’re using a ladle. They’re ladling it-

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Something like that.

[Shep]
Ladle would make sense.

[Thomas]
There you go.

[Emily]
Cause he’s the Turkey Baster.

[Shep and Thomas]
Right.

[Shep and Emily]
He’s the Turkey Baster.

[Thomas]
Or she. Women can baste turkeys also.

[Emily]
I was thinking instead of magic it should just be a rom-com. Workplace rom-com.

[Shep]
Oh, yes. We haven’t done a rom-com in-

[Thomas]
I mean.

[Shep]
Six days.

[Emily]
I like rom-com.

[Shep]
We always do rom-coms. It always ends in rom-com. I’m not complaining. I also like rom-coms. I’m just saying.

[Emily]
We can make it way left field and have it be like a robot or alien invasion. And then they use all the Medieval Times stuff to defeat them.

[Shep]
I’m just picturing the alien sending down a probe and ending up in a Medieval Times and like, “Oh, this planet is so primitive.”

[Thomas]
That actually would be very funny.

[Emily]
Right?

[Thomas]
Those are my pitch ideas. Shep, what do you have?

[Shep]
A guy’s best friend jokes about getting artificially inseminated with a Turkey Baster and he, in a fit of jealousy, swaps the sperm sample for one of his own. This is The Switch. Okay. My actual pitch is: we do the invention of turkey basters, but we do it like Young Einstein style. Did we do one a Young Einstein before? What was the Young Einstein before that we did? Oh, it was bread maker, wasn’t it?

[Emily]
Yeah, we went down that route for a while.

[Shep]
We were just talking about bread maker. So which one of these are jumping out of us?

[Thomas]
I don’t know, but I’m glad I didn’t write down my artificial insemination idea that I had.

[Emily]
We don’t have to keep that part of my story. Although my story and your family story could end up being similar.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So does it have to be a Medieval Times or can it just be medieval times.

[Thomas]
So we don’t have to worry about licensing? So we can just say medieval times, and then if that’s problematic for whoever’s-

[Shep]
No, I don’t mean a restaurant. I mean-

[Thomas]
Oh, literal, actual, ah.

[Emily]
Yeah. There is a Turkey Baster employed by the court.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah, sure.

[Shep]
The King’s Turkey Baster, who’s just got a little spoon, he was raised from a young boy and that’s all he’s done his entire life. Oh, it’s medieval times. It’s the King’s Turkey Baster who’s been trained to do this thing with a spoon, and they invent turkey basters and he loses his job, and he has only ever learned how to do this one thing and it’s no longer needed.

[Emily]
That’s much better than my plot because I was going be: he’s the King’s Turkey Baster where he pours the juices over the turkey legs and then the King can’t get his wife pregnant so they use him to inseminate her.

[Shep]
That’s pretty funny.

[Thomas]
That is very funny. And then the Turkey Baster falls in love with the Queen.

[Shep]
That’s where that stereotype came from. It was during medieval times.

[Emily]
I like the idea of them inventing the Turkey Baster and him being out of a job, but then what happens to him?

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s what I was going to ask.

[Emily]
Is it like A Knight’s Tale where he goes off to the countryside and learns to become a knight?

[Shep]
No, he’s a Turkey Baster.

[Emily]
He uses his turkey basting skills to take down the enemy troops.

[Shep]
What?

[Emily]
I don’t know. I’ve watched a lot of weird movies in my life.

[Shep]
I can picture him spooning oil. A little bit of oil on the top of the ramparts and they’re slipping their hands, the enemy soldiers reaching up.

[Thomas]
Very quickly bastes each rung of the ladder.

[Shep]
He’s really good.

[Thomas]
“Who could we get to oil this ladder quickly?”

[Shep]
His eyes light up.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Oh, my gosh. I’m picturing Mr. Bean as the Turkey Baster.

[Thomas]
Yes. Oh, my god.

[Shep]
He doesn’t talk a lot.

[Thomas]
Right. So what does happen to the Turkey Baster after his job is no longer necessary?

[Emily]
Well, he’s got to try out other local careers, right?

[Shep]
Right, but they have all got to go horribly-

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
-because he keeps trying to spoon everything, because that’s the one skill he knows that he trained his entire life doing. Ha! They hire him as, like, a ditch digger and he’s spooning out each little-

[Emily]
I love that.

[Shep]
So what’s the ending? What is the triumphant success of our Turkey Baster?

[Emily]
Bigger feast? They only have one…

[Shep]
They have a Turkey Baster when they invent turkey basters, but the bulb is made out of leather and it springs a leak, and they’re like, “Oh, no! The feast is coming up. But our Turkey Baster doesn’t work! Accursed new technology.”

[Emily]
Why wouldn’t the tanner just come in and fix it?

[Shep]
I don’t know. That a problem for the writers.

[Emily]
How come, when I ask the hard question, your answer is, “That’s a problem for the writers.” But you asked me a hard question, and… Could it be a farce? And he ends up somehow being king?

[Shep]
Sure!

[Thomas]
I like that.

[Emily]
Like each iteration of failure leads somehow closer to the royal court.

[Thomas]
He fails upward.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Well, he leaves the castle because he loses his job. But I think, like you said, like you joked, but I think we should actually do it. He was artificially inseminating the Queen. I think she falls in love with him. He doesn’t fall in love with her. He’s just doing his job.

[Thomas]
Oh, he’s mute. So they’ve got to get somebody who won’t say what’s going on.

[Shep]
Oh, yeah. Yes.

[Thomas]
The only person they know of who’s mute is the Turkey Baster. So the King is like, “Come on, man.” So that’s why they’ve been using him.

[Shep]
Because he’s not going to say no.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
And he’s not going to tell anybody what’s been going on. The King needs to produce an heir. And nobody would believe him anyway.

[Shep]
And maybe he’s blindfolded and doesn’t even know what happened. (Laughs) Sorry. I’m picturing one of the King’s men blindfolding him and taking him to inseminate the Queen-

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
-and then later, when he’s fired, that same guy comes to escort him out of the castle, and he’s all excited and he’s, like, smiling and whatever.

[Emily]
I like that. That’s perfect.

[Thomas]
That’s very funny. So is this like it’s only happened once type of thing, or has this been an ongoing thing?

[Shep]
Oh, inseminating the Queen?

[Thomas]
Yeah, because I feel like you could establish fairly early on, through some sort of a conversation where the King and his Advisor are talking about how he needs to produce an heir.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
And the Advisor is like, “Well, I have some thoughts. They’re a little out of the box, but bear with me.”

[Shep]
I’m just picturing the King has never had sex with the Queen. Perhaps the King is gay and he’s not interested in the Queen.

[Thomas]
Right. It’s one of those medieval political marriages.

[Shep]
Right, as all royal marriages were.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
So they just need an heir.

[Emily]
Right. I want in the conversation too, for the Advisor to not know that the King is gay and just be like, “I don’t understand. Haven’t you been servicing the Queen?” He’s like, “Oh yeah, every fortnight.”

[Shep]
“Bags of sand.”

[Thomas]
Yeah, I was just thinking that.

[Emily]
And then have him be like, “Well, do you have any bastards?”

[Shep]
Or he thinks that he’s talking about a different kind of bastard, like the stable boy.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
He’s a bastard and the King has him.

[Thomas]
King’s got a type and it’s bad boys.

[Shep]
I think perhaps the reason that the Turkey Baster gets fired, maybe not because they have invented turkey basters, but the Queen falls in love with them. She’s not blindfolded.

[Thomas]
Because here’s somebody finally giving her the physical attention that she wants.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
So he gets taken up to some room. He doesn’t know the room because he leaves the kitchen blindfolded, is taken somewhere, gets laid, is brought back to the kitchen, blindfold comes off, and he’s like, “Great, cool, Christmas bonus,” whatever. But now the Queen starts coming down and hanging around the kitchen a lot.

[Shep]
Right? But he doesn’t know-

[Thomas]
But yeah, he didn’t realize.

[Emily]
He doesn’t know it’s her and she’s really annoying and messes up his job.

[Shep]
And he’s like trying to baste the turkey, and she’s like, trying to talk to him and getting up close to him. And he’s like, you know, get away from me. Him playing hard to get just turns her on even more. I think it would be funny if he was blindfolded in the kitchen. So then later, the second time, when the guy, same guy comes to get him, he like, gets a washcloth and blindfolds himself, thinking-

[Thomas]
Right. So why does he get fired? Like, what is the actual problem that’s-? Obviously the Queen being in love with him is the problem. But what-

[Emily]
Well I think the Advisor… He has to have done something that the Advisor doesn’t like. So the Advisor is like, “Oh, we got to get rid of this guy.” And then so he convinces the King that the mutism would be passed on, the curse would be passed on to the heir. So it was a terrible idea to begin with.

[Shep]
(gasps) I know why he’s mute.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
He is the bastard of the previous king. So his genetics are all fucked up. That’s why he’s mute.

[Emily]
I like it because then if we get him to be king at the end, it’s still like rightful line of-

[Shep and Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
So we need the King to die at some point. He looks identical to the old king. Like, there are portraits or whatever.

[Thomas]
That feels a little on the nose. Like people would notice that.

[Shep]
Well, how often is he in the portrait room?

[Thomas]
That’s true.

[Shep]
Never. He’s never been in the portrait room.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And imagine the guy in the portrait holding a scepter like he holds the spoon. So why is he fired? He’s fired for some reason. The assistant to the King, the Advisor to the King is the one who fires him.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
I don’t think the King gives two shits-

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
-if the Queen wants the attention of someone else, good for her. He doesn’t care.

[Thomas]
It has to be disruptive to the operations.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Or that it’s going to be found out that this happened. Because the whole, Advisor’s whole thing is to protect the royal family, both the lineage and their honor. And that’s why he’s doing this.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
So what threatens that honor? Or how is that information going to get out? Or why is keeping this guy around a bad idea?

[Emily]
I’m thinking a Court Jester style movie where he gets mistaken for the Red Fox.

[Shep]
Ah, Danny Kaye.

[Emily]
Yeah, he’s the court jester. And they keep thinking he’s this Robin Hood figure and he’s not.

[Shep]
I want to throw something out here.

[Emily]
Yeah, go for it.

[Shep]
And now, I know that I talk bad about coincidences. However, this is a farce. So, my idea is that there is this Robin Hood character who’s out there, and he breaks into the castle and is seen, and he looks like the Turkey Baster. The reason he looks like the Turkey Baster is they are brothers. That’s another bastard of the King who wants to claim his rightful throne. He’s a bastard of the previous king.

[Thomas]
Is he trying to claim the throne or is he just doing like a Robin Hood type of thing or trying to lead a peasant rebellion.

[Shep]
Either way. However, because he’s unhappy with the current royal family because that crown should have been his.

[Thomas]
Does he know that, though? I guess he would.

[Emily]
Yeah, he knows.

[Thomas]
His mother grew up telling him, like, you’re the-

[Shep]
Yeah, Robin Hood knows.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Turkey baster’s got no idea.

[Thomas]
Right. Turkey baster has no idea.

[Shep]
But the Robin Hood is seen in the castle breaking in and Turkey Baster gets blamed for it.

[Thomas]
So they’re half-brothers then?

[Shep]
Yes.

[Thomas]
Yes. Perfect.

[Emily]
Exactly where I was going with that. Mistaken identity.

[Shep]
I’ve seen Shakespeare.

[Emily]
Yup.

[Shep]
I know how these things go.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Exactly.

[Thomas]
So he’s accused then of being the Robin Hood guy?

[Emily]
Yeah. And they take him to the dungeon, but the Queen helps him escape.

[Thomas]
Yes, very good.

[Emily]
Because she’s in love with him.

[Shep]
Oh, that’s really good. Because he blindfolds himself when he’s being escorted. Then they stop in a room and he’s like feeling around and it’s just like damp walls and bars and he’s like “What?” He takes the blindfold off and he’s in prison. “What? What?”

[Thomas]
So does the Queen, she helps him escape and then does she say to meet her somewhere at some time?

[Emily]
Of course.

[Shep]
Whoa. Where is this leading? How is the Queen going to get out of the castle?

[Thomas]
However the fuck she wants. She’s got her handmaids to help her.

[Shep]
She can send her handmaids out to do whatever they want.

[Thomas]
Well, but I mean, if it’s nighttime and everyone’s asleep, she can-

[Shep]
Including all of the guards.

[Emily]
She puts the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle.

[Thomas]
I think that’s the thing that it doesn’t matter. This is clearly a comedic film, so she can get out.

[Shep]
So I’d say don’t have her get out. Have her Handmaid get out and have her also fall in love with the Turkey Baster. Because let’s just throw in a romantic love triangle.

[Thomas]
Anyway, the other thing that I was thinking about, all of this thing is that that meetup never ends up happening anyway because we have this other lookalike character.

[Emily]
Oh. She says, meet the handmaiden. And then he goes to meet her, but ends up somewhere completely different cause he’s an idiot.

[Thomas]
He goes to the east barn instead of the west barn.

[Emily]
Right. He doesn’t know his left from his right. He’s a peasant.

[Thomas]
He’s never been outside of the kitchen or the service quarters.

[Shep]
Right. He’s never seen the sun.

[Thomas]
He didn’t know there were two barns.

[Emily]
And the half-brother ends up accidentally meeting the Handmaid, and the Handmaid falls in love with him.

[Thomas]
Oh, so when the Robin Hood character breaks into the castle, he’s super slick and suave. And so of course he’s like hitting on the Handmaid. So later when she comes out to meet the Turkey Baster, he sees her and he’s like, “Oh, there’s the Handmaid that I was hitting on. I’ll go flirt with her some more.” And she just sees the guy who looks like the dude. She has no idea that they’re half-brothers.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
What is that Shakespeare play where nobody knows about the twins?

[Emily]
There’s two of them. It’s As You Like It or 12th Night.

[Thomas]
As You Like It is the one I’m thinking of, but yeah. So. Something along those lines where what was the movie with… oh my God, Lily Tomlin’s in it and Bette Midler.

[Emily]
Big business.

[Thomas]
Big Business. Yes.

[Shep]
Oh, golly.

[Emily]
I love Big Business so much.

[Shep]
A lot of memories coming back right now.

[Emily]
Yeah. It’s that level of farce too.

[Thomas]
Yes, exactly. All sorts of misunderstandings and crossed wires and barely missed meetings and things like that.

[Emily]
Yeah. And there’s got to be some kind of weird witch mystic character who’s trying to predict something, and she’s going to be the one who helps reveal at the end that-

[Shep]
Are you just remaking Court Jester? Is that-

[Emily]
I really love that movie. It’s a childhood favorite.

[Shep]
So this is a musical is what you’re saying. I’m just trying to picture Mr. Bean in a musical.

[Thomas]
I like the idea of people making excuses for the Turkey Baster or why he doesn’t talk. Because Robin Hood talks, but the Turkey Baster doesn’t. And so he can’t say anything, but people are just like “I understand you’re speechless.”

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
“I understand. It makes perfect sense. You don’t have to say anything.”

[Shep]
Or maybe he’s not even mute. Just no one ever gives him a chance to talk.

[Thomas]
Sure. He’s a servant in the castle. He was always told that you were to be seen, not heard.

[Emily]
Right. He took that to heart.

[Thomas]
So he just doesn’t say anything. And anytime he did talk, the chef hit him. So he just learned you know what?

[Shep]
Or he just hesitates before he speaks. Like someone asks him a question and he thinks about it.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
And then when he goes to speak, someone else answers for him.

[Thomas and Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Or they make excuses why he doesn’t have to speak.

[Emily]
And eventually amongst the servants, they just assume he’s mute and they’re like, “Oh, you can’t ask him. He’s a mute.”

[Thomas]
Nobody talks to him because he never answers. So they think, why does he never talk to anybody else? I guess he’s like the lowest rung on the ladder. No one wants to have anything to do with him.

[Shep]
Right. He’s just the Turkey Baster.

[Emily]
And he’s pretty greasy too.

[Thomas]
Alright, let’s take a break and when we come back, we’ll figure out what happens next to our Turkey Baster.

[Break]

[Thomas]
All right, we’re back. What’s going on with our Turkey Baster? We know that there are farcical antics.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Thomas]
We should come up with some sort of general ideas of what those might be.

[Emily]
Do we want lots of women to be attracted to him? Not just the Handmaid and the Queen?

[Shep]
Well, one’s going to end up with the Queen, one’s going to end up with the Handmaid or he’ll end up with both. And the Robin Hood will die tragically because otherwise he is also in line for the throne.

[Emily]
And clearly more competent.

[Shep]
And clearly more competent.

[Emily]
I think Robin Hood got to die.

[Shep]
Or it’s a twist ending, and Robin Hood ends up King and he ends up back in the kitchen being a Turkey Baster, which is what he likes to do anyway. So…

[Emily]
I like that ending too.

[Shep]
For him, it’s a happy ending.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s pretty good.

[Shep]
It could go either way. I mean, it would not be a popular ending.

[Emily]
Actually I kind of like that ending a little bit more.

[Thomas]
So he ends up with the Queen.

[Shep]
Yeah. The Queen is in love with him.

[Thomas]
But… hmmm.

[Shep]
Go ahead.

[Thomas]
So the… Robin Hood is the rightful heir.

[Shep]
Well, they’re both the previous King’s bastards.

[Thomas]
Right. I’m just trying to think like, does the Queen have to abdicate or is she kicked out because she’s…. Like, the current King and Queen are not “the next people in line”?

[Shep]
No, the current King dies because his meat was too dry and he chokes on it because they fired the Turkey Baster.

[Thomas]
Yes. Good. Perfect.

[Shep]
And so the Queen is single and she marries the Turkey Baster.

[Thomas]
So why does she not continue to rule? That’s what I’m getting at.

[Emily]
I was thinking the Robin Hood guy, somehow the Turkey Baster helps him gain the throne.

[Shep]
Oh, no. The King’s Advisor would never let Robin Hood be King because he is too competent.

[Emily]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
So he becomes the new King’s Advisor.

[Shep]
Who becomes the new King’s Advisor?

[Thomas]
Robin hood.

[Shep]
No, Robin Hood gets murdered.

[Thomas]
I guess I don’t automatically love Robin Hood dying because then what about the Handmaid?

[Emily]
I like Robin Hood becoming king, marrying the Handmaid, making her Queen. The Queen and the Turkey baster are living happily ever after. She doesn’t care about being queen, she’s just a trophy wife. She doesn’t give a shit. And Robin Hood rewards the Turkey Baster for saving his life against the original king’s Advisor and gives him like this big endowment or whatever so they live happily. So the Queen gets to like live in her status quo lifestyle, but he gets to do whatever he wants. And Robin Hood’s like, “What position do you want in my court?”

[Shep]
“You could be anything.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
“Military Advisor.”

[Thomas]
And then that’s when he speaks.

[Emily]
“I like to baste the turkeys.” So they all get their happy endings and then we have a competent king ruling the kingdom.

[Shep]
Fine. Because it’s a fantasy.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Okay, that makes sense.

[Thomas]
Do we keep the original king’s Advisor or has he become a bit of a joke?

[Shep]
No, if the Robin Hood doesn’t die, then the Advisor has to die.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Thomas]
Or be locked up or something. He has to be gone.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
I want him to die.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Emily]
And it had been the Turkey Baster, but totally accidentally.

[Shep]
Oh, he tries to poison Robin Hood, but then the vessels get swapped by the Turkey Baster for some reason. He bumps the tray or whatever and sets them back up. But he sets them back up in the opposite order.

[Thomas]
He knocks over the goblet with the poison in it and the poisoned wine spills out. So he sets it back up and there’s a pitcher of wine, so he refills it. But the other goblet wouldn’t have been poisoned-

[Shep]
Right. Right.

[Thomas]
Unless they both had iocaine powder in them and the King’s Advisor had spent the last several years building up an immunity to iocaine powder, in which case.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
That’s why he’s wearing the mask and they can only see the bottom half of his face, which looks like the other guy.

[Emily]
I think that the Turkey Baster should accidentally knock the Advisor out of a window. Then we avoid the whole poison, Court Jester–

[Thomas]
That’s a good point. I guess. I think what Shep was going for, though, was having the Advisor be sort of hoisted by his own petard.

[Emily]
So the Advisor was going to poison-

[Thomas]
It’s like an accidental suicide, basically.

[Emily]
Okay, I see.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Especially if there are a bunch of goblets and they’re all knocked out of order.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
And so when he sets them back up, we, the audience, don’t know which one has the poison in it.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
We know one of them does have the poison in it. And so everybody toasts and drinks and then the King’s Advisor dies.

[Thomas]
Do we need to work out the details of how this works, or is that a writer’s problem?

[Shep]
How what works?

[Thomas]
The poison switching around?

[Shep]
It could be the King’s Advisor has arranged the goblets in a certain way, like maybe on a tray or whatever. So you just need an excuse for the Turkey Baster who’s helping to need the tray for something else, temporarily takes all the goblets off, puts them on a table somewhere, and then uses the tray, whatever, then comes back, puts them back on, but not in the same order.

[Emily]
Well, then he can do what you were suggesting, Thomas, and knock over one or two of them and refill them with the pitcher of wine so that we’re not sure that it didn’t get refilled. And he’s not poisoning anybody.

[Thomas]
Yeah, I like that.

[Shep]
That’s why he takes them all off. He’s knocked the wine out on the tray, so he takes them all off to clean the tray and then put them back on and refill one of them.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Shep]
That’s good because the audience is in complete darkness and has no idea what’s going to happen. That’s good for the tension of the final scene.

[Thomas]
Is there a Fawlty Towers-esque moment where he takes the tray of wine into the kitchen through one door and someone, the Advisor, comes out through the other door and sees that the goblets are all missing, and sets things up again? Or something along those lines where, again, it’s people just missing each other. And I don’t know, I like those kinds of things in farces.

[Shep]
Here’s the problem. If he sees them out of order at any point, why would he trust which one he thinks has the poison in it?

[Thomas]
He dumps out a glass, pours fresh wine into it. So he’s like, I know the one in front of my plate is clean.

[Shep]
But he doesn’t want to kill anyone else except Robin Hood.

[Thomas]
That’s true.

[Shep]
He’s got a specific target in mind. So if the Advisor sees the goblet’s out of order, he won’t trust it. So you could have the same scene, but it’s the head chef or someone who sees them disorganized or whatever.

[Thomas]
Oh right. So the Turkey Baster knocks over a goblet or two or something. He’s like, “Oh, no.” And he’s trying to clean it up. Maybe he’s trying to clean up one and he accidentally knocks over another. And he’s like, “Okay.” So he moves them all to a side tray and he cleans up, takes the two chalices into the kitchen. The head chef comes out, sees all of the chalices have been moved to the side tray, and is like, “Ugh, this is ridiculous.” Puts them all back onto the table. Two are missing, goes back into the kitchen. The other guy comes out, has the two, then he puts them where they should go, don’t know where the poison is.

[Shep]
So they end up with two extra chalices at some point?

[Emily]
Yeah. Because the chef would come back out with more.

[Shep]
Okay, I think it should just be one chalice. So there’s one extra chalice on the tray. Now, Robin Hood is going to be the new king because the previous king is already dead, and he gets the first chalice.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
So there’s a gap when the Turkey Baster is holding it, so it’s clear which one goes to Robin Hood and all the other ones are just, whatever. So he gives them all out and it gets to the end and he’s holding an extra one because there was that one extra one that the head chef. Now he’s going to drink one, too, because normally he wouldn’t because he’s a servant, it wouldn’t make any sense.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
But now he’s going to, so now the audience is thinking, “Is this the one with poison?” Because he’s drinking one.

[Thomas]
He has to sneak back into the kitchen. He goes back into the kitchen. “Oh, well.” Enters the kitchen with the extra chalice, looks down, kind of looks around, sneakily and chugs it.

[Shep]
Yes. When he hears them cheering.

[Emily]
Yeah. He cheers his inside.

[Shep]
Yes. I’m just picturing because he can hear them, he’s like, “Cheers,” whatever. And they all drink at once.

[Emily]
And then there’s a loud collective gasp. (gasps)

[Thomas]
Clattering.

[Shep]
Or you have a conversation in the hallway between two characters, and then in the hallway, you hear a body falling to the ground and you don’t know which room that’s in, the kitchen or the dining room.

[Emily]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
And it turns out it wasn’t the body, it was the Turkey Baster in the kitchen had dropped something. So just more misdirection. It’s a slow acting poison hasn’t killed anyone yet.

[Thomas]
You do that a few times.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
There’s a thunk clang, clang, clang. And everyone turns and looks and someone’s like, “Sorry.” And they pick up whatever.

[Emily]
Like every time the King goes to speak it’s something interrupts him.

[Thomas]
Yeah. There’s one where he goes, “(Choking noises) …swallowed a bug. Anyway.”

[Emily]
I really like dragging it out.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah. There should be a moment where the Queen chokes on something too. And you think she’s going to be the one going down.

[Thomas]
Right. Yeah.

[Shep]
Oh, no, not the Queen.

[Thomas]
Different people are.

[Shep]
Yes. Every time it’s someone else.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
That’s a-

[Thomas]
“Does this have raisins? I hate raisins.”

[Shep]
Classic farce.

[Emily]
I think it would be kind of funny, though, if we do all of that and we’re expecting it to be this choking, gasping, foaming at the mouth sort of death. And really, while all of this is going on, the Advisor just passes out and dies.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
And then somebody goes to ask him a question and they shake him and he-

[Shep]
Oh, yeah. He’s already dead.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
He’s just sitting there open eyed, completely dead.

[Emily]
Wide open. They think he’s just watching.

[Thomas]
That’s very good.

[Emily]
How do they figure out that the Turkey Baster saved the King by accidentally poisoning the Advisor?

[Shep]
They don’t!

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
They don’t need to know that. Because at this point, Robin Hood is already king, so he already has a favorable impression of his half-brother who has helped him throughout the movie, because the half-brother was kicked out of the castle-

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
-and there was the sequence of mistaken identities. And that’s how Robin Hood got back in, maybe with a troop of people to overthrow the King, who then chokes on a turkey leg anyway and dies.

[Emily]
I just really like that detail.

[Thomas]
So does he die? Everyone’s coming in, storming in, and they come into the into the dining room to confront the King and he’s so shocked and he chokes and it’s too dry? Or they storm in the room, and he’s being covered up by the doctor. “He choked on dry turkey.”

[Shep]
I’d like it if the Queen took a fancy to cooking. While she’s in the kitchen harassing the Turkey Baster that she has a crush on, she starts learning about the kitchen. So the final scene of the two of them is her cooking in the kitchen and him basting a turkey.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
They’re happy together.

[Emily]
Yeah, I love that.

[Thomas]
That’s good. How does the Robin Hood character ascend to the throne? Because I feel like we sort of glossed over that part. We’re just like “Eh, he gets there.”

[Emily]
Yada, yada, yada. He becomes king. It’s fine.

[Shep]
I mean, he is the legitimate bastard of the previous king. He does have a claim to the throne.

[Thomas]
And it’s pretty obvious when you look at the previous king’s portrait.

[Shep]
The previous king’s portrait.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Thomas]
It’s just some birth mark or something that he can use to prove or-

[Shep]
I think a birthmark was used in Court Jester.

[Emily]
I was going to say that was specifically used in Court Jester.

[Shep]
Yeah, we can’t do that. That’s too far.

[Thomas]
Is there a royal something or other that was given to the mom?

[Shep]
Yes, like a birth certificate. The decree of “This is my son.”

[Thomas]
I was thinking more like some sort of a signet ring.

[Shep]
Ok, yeah, I guess that’s fine.

[Emily]
Yeah, that makes sense.

[Shep]
Oh, I don’t know if this would make things too complicated, but I’m going to say it and then you can say, no, that’s too complicated. He’s not the legitimate bastard. He broke into the castle earlier to steal the signet ring because he resembles the previous king. The Turkey Baster is the bastard. They’re not half-brothers.

[Thomas]
Oh, I still like it if they’re half-brothers. But maybe the Turkey Baster’s mom was more highly favored by the King and that’s why he works in the castle, whereas the other one has been exiled or whatnot. Because otherwise it’s sort of weird that they look nearly identical.

[Shep]
I mean, with enough people, you’re going to get doppelgangers.

[Thomas]
It’s true. I guess we never have to explain why he looks so similar. Just, he does.

[Shep]
Yeah. Because I think it would be good if the audience knows that he’s not the bastard of the King.

[Thomas]
Right, okay.

[Shep]
He’s just some guy that is stealing his- he’s stealing the throne.

[Thomas]
Sure.

[Shep]
He stole the signet ring, and that’s what he’s using to prove his pedigree.

[Thomas]
Is that a thing that we show the audience when the theft happens or the audience discovers later?

[Shep]
I think show when the theft happens.

[Emily]
Yeah. I think the audience should know when he’s crowned king and we go through the whole death scene that he’s not actually the rightful king.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
That it is the court jester. Or court jest-!

[Shep]
Not court jester!

[Emily]
The Turkey Baster!

[Shep]
The Turkey Baster. So the audience’s expectation is that Robin Hood is going to die, he’s going to be poisoned, and the Turkey Baster is going to be crowned king because he is the legitimate son of the previous king. But that’s not what happens, and that’s not really what we want to happen because he wouldn’t be happy being king, and he’s incompetent.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
So the ideal outcome is Robin Hood actually becomes king even though he’s not the son of the previous king because he is more competent than the Turkey Baster is. But I like that misdirection because other plots are so cliche. We have this expectation of we know what’s going to happen.

[Thomas]
I like that, too, because then you see him coming in and stealing the throne. And I think your automatic assumption anytime because of Hollywood stories is someone stealing the throne equals bad person. He’s just trying to get into a position of power to help the people. He’s a socialist king, essentially.

[Shep]
Right. He is Robin Hood.

[Thomas]
Right. He wants to use that position of power to increase the equity among the subjects in this kingdom.

[Shep and Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Great.

[Emily]
Does he know that the Turkey Baster is the rightful heir?

[Shep]
No.

[Emily]
No, only we know.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
Only the audience.

[Shep]
Only the audience puts it together because he looks like the portrait.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Thomas]
And so then why does the Robin Hood character feel the need to give him some sort of special treatment later.

[Shep]
The special treatment and is hiring him back to be the Turkey Baster.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
What’s the-

[Emily]
And the Queen we’ve already established because she actually enjoys cooking and she’s happy with the tricky baster and in love with him, right?

[Shep]
Yep. She’s bored out of her mind.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
She never gets to do anything.

[Thomas]
It is still medieval times. A woman couldn’t possibly rule.

[Emily]
No, of course not. She can’t do it by on her own. Like, she either marries Robin Hood or finds a new line of work.

[Thomas]
Is there some sort of expectation by someone, anyone within the film that the Queen and Robin Hood will get married and they’re both just like, “What? No, neither of us want that.”

[Shep]
Right. I mean, why not?

[Emily]
Sure. I would still like it if she treated him like kind of a fuck boy, though, all the time.

[Shep]
Are you talking about Robin Hood or the Turkey Baster?

[Emily]
The Turkey Baster.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Emily]
Like she’s still making lewd comments and poking him while they’re cooking in the kitchen, and he’s visibly uncomfortable, and she’s just getting enjoyment out of making him uncomfortable now.

[Shep]
I picture they just fuck all the time in the kitchen.

[Emily]
Okay. They’re not in love. They’re just friends with-

[Shep]
I think that she is in love with him.

[Emily]
She’s in love with him.

[Thomas]
Because he’s the first guy who’s actually given her real attention for her.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
And also him being in the kitchen gave her an excuse to go down to the kitchen and her taking part in cooking and stuff like that.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
It’s the first time she’s ever got to do anything, to make stuff.

[Thomas]
It’s given her purpose.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Thomas]
Is there anything else that we need to figure out?

[Shep]
I mean, we could go through the potential things that happen outside the castle. We have a lot of stuff that happens inside the castle.

[Thomas]
That’s true.

[Shep]
But I imagine there’s a chunk of the movie where the Turkey Baster has been fired and there are mistaken identities with Robin Hood we haven’t covered really any of those.

[Thomas]
We haven’t.

[Shep]
So what are some broad strokes of things that could happen outside the castle?

[Emily]
Well, I think there’s failed jobs.

[Shep]
Yes, there are a bunch of failed jobs because he can only do one thing, which is baste turkeys.

[Emily]
Right? Imagine him trying to groom horses, and he’s ladling water on them, and he gets kicked in the head or something.

[Thomas]
Oh!

[Shep]
Yikes.

[Thomas]
He’s brushing the forelocks like one little strand at a time. I don’t know how much of it needs to be him, like trying to do jobs, especially if the- I mean, I think he can be doing some job poorly. And then the things have been going on with the Robin Hood character and so he’s quickly mistaken for him.

[Emily]
Oh, yeah. There’s, like, a rally where they’re talking about him, and it’s just kind of everybody is talking about him, and he shows up.

[Shep]
They expect Robin Hood to give a speech at the rally and so they like, push him up on stage. How does that end? How does that get resolved? Because he’s mute or he doesn’t speak.

[Emily]
The king’s guards come and break it up just before he’s about to say something.

[Shep]
That’s great. That’s great. Like he takes a breath like he’s going to say something.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And then the Kings guards rush in, blowing their whistles.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Exactly.

[Shep]
Do they arrest him again? Does he end up back in the prison under the dungeon? Under the-

[Emily]
Well, yeah, that’s how he gets back into the castle again.

[Shep]
Well, is it because I’m imagining that he ends up in the dungeon several times and the Queen keeps sneaking him out of the castle and freeing him.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
But she’s seeing it as, “Oh, he missed her so much-“

[Emily]
“He risked his life to return to her.”

[Shep]
He’s come back.

[Thomas]
She’s like, “You really can’t keep doing this.”

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
“They’re going to catch on.”

[Shep]
It’s completely one sided. Oh, it’s great.

[Thomas]
That’s very funny.

[Shep]
I’m just picturing him by the third time. He just so expects her to come down and confess her love again.

[Emily]
He’s just waiting.

[Shep]
And he’s just rolling his eyes.

[Emily]
Like, “Open the door. Let me up.”

[Shep]
Because that’s the thing that happens next. But that’s the third time. That’s the time that she fucks him in the dungeon.

[Emily]
Of course.

[Thomas]
Well, it’s been so long since they’ve done it.

[Shep]
Right. She opens the door and he’s like she goes to go out and she goes in and pushes them down.

[Thomas]
Pushes him back in. Yeah.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
She’s like, “I’ve missed you so much, too. I long for your touches!”

[Shep]
Like he’s running into her arms when he’s trying to leave.

[Thomas]
We have to make sure, though, that her advances are still welcomed by him.

[Emily]
Of course.

[Shep]
Oh, sure.

[Emily]
I mean.

[Shep]
You just have him-

[Thomas]
He’s just like, “All right.”

[Shep]
He’s just like, “Welp, all right.”

[Thomas]
Shrugs.

[Shep]
Yup. So I just have that gesture that he shrugs. Like when she’s molesting him at the end in the kitchen. He just, “Alright, this might as well happen.”

[Emily]
“Why would I say no to this?”

[Shep]
Right. She goes down on him while he’s basting. He can do two things that he loves. What’s the age range? What’s the rating of-

[Emily]
It’s clearly rated R.

[Thomas]
It’s getting older and older as we go. Well, we’d love to hear your thoughts on today’s show. Was it juicy or totally dry? Let us know by leaving a comment on our website, reaching out on social media or sending us an email. Links to all of those can be found at AlmostPlausible.com Emily, Shep, and I are thankful that all of you listen to the podcast. We hope you have a delightful and delicious Thanksgiving weekend. Be sure to join us again for another episode of Almost Plausible.

[Outro music]

[Shep]
They’re going to poison the pestle, the vessel with the-

[Emily]
Put pellet with a poison in the vessel with the pestle.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
The flagon with the dragon has a brew that is true.

[Thomas]
Is the vessel with the pestle technically, the mortar?

[Emily]
Well, originally, the pellet with the poison was in the chalice from the palace, but the chalice with the palace broke, so they replaced it with the vessel with the pestle. Pellet with the poison is the vessel with the pestle, and the flagon with a dragon has the brew that is true.

[Shep]
It’s so obvious. What part of this is confusing?

[Thomas]
No, now that I’m up to speed. I’m on board.

[Emily]
Have I not made you watch The Court Jester yet?

[Shep]
It’s so good.

[Thomas]
Amazingly, no.

[Emily]
It’s-

[Thomas]
But it’s definitely going on the list.

[Shep]
Unbelievable.

[Thomas]
For sure.

[Emily]
100% my favorite Danny Kaye movie.

[Thomas]
I love Danny Kaye. So.

[Shep]
Agreed, 100%.