Toilet Brush

References

• Dogma
  • The poo monster scene
• Wanted
  • Comics
  • Movie
• Harry Potter
• Revenge of the Nerds
• Old School
• Neighbors
• Mescaline (turns out it’s nothing like MDMA)
• University of Phoenix (it’s still operational)
• Carrington College (also still operational)
• The Hangover
• Where’s Waldo/Wally
• Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego
• Challenge Coin
• “How can she slap?”
• MC Skat Cat
• MacGuffin
• Dr. Dre (although this reference should have been for Suge Knight)

Transcript

[Intro music begins]

[Shep]
And they can ask Wally what he wants to do and he’s so out of it he doesn’t he’s like- (mumble)

[Thomas]
Right?

[Shep]
“Tangerines.”

[Thomas]
He’s like, “Go to Denny’s.”

[Shep]
Yeah, directly into the camera.

[Thomas]
“I’m going to order a Grand Slam at Denny’s.” “It’s the only coherent thing he said all night!”

[Intro music]

[Thomas]
Welcome story fans to another episode of Almost Plausible, the podcast where we take ordinary ideas and turn them into stories. This episode has the potential to be rather tricky because the object we’ve chosen for today is toilet brush. I’m your host, Thomas J. Brown, and I certainly couldn’t tackle toilet brush on my own. So joining me are my intrepid co-hosts, Emily-

[Emily]
Hello.

[Thomas]
And F. Paul Shepard.

[Shep]
This is going to be a tough one.

[Thomas]
Before we can develop the story, we’ll need to have a pitch session to see what ideas everyone came up with. So, Emily, tell us what you came up with for toilet brush.

[Emily]
All right, so first off, I’ve got a drug-fueled romp by legally responsible adults as they venture around the city in search of a lost toilet brush from a house party they were attending where they used the drugs. But they’re really looking for an earring that got caught in the bristles. And they have to find it because it belongs to somebody’s mom or aunt or something ridiculous. And it’s a giant diamond earring.

[Thomas]
Somebody borrowed the earring from their job at the Tiffany store or whatever.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So, like an 80s teen comedy.

[Emily]
Yes. 80s, 90s teen comedy. One Night-

[Shep]
Except not teens, they’re responsible adults.

[Emily]
Legally responsible adults. Yeah.

[Thomas]
Oh, it’s people our age.

[Emily]
People our age?

[Thomas]
Yeah. It’s a modern version of an 80s teen film. So it’s people who would have grown up watching 80s teen films, except it’s them now.

[Emily]
Yes, that would be great. That’s better. I like that idea way better than the crap I came up with. All right. Second one is: armed only with a toilet brush and a mop, kids must defeat an evil poo monster. It’s going to be a kids movie. Kids Halloween style movie.

[Shep]
Was there a poo monster in one of the Jay & Bob movies, or did that scene get cut out?

[Emily]
No, that was the golem in Dogma.

[Thomas]
I must just have mentally blocked that out because I remember lots of stuff about Dogma, but I do not remember that.

[Emily]
Yeah. There’s a giant poo golem that comes- he’s the shit that accumulated at the bottom of the crucifixion site.

[Thomas]
All right.

[Shep]
I think it was a cut scene.

[Emily]
No. Was it? I vividly remember Salma Hayek fighting him.

[Shep]
It doesn’t matter. I just remember a big poo monster, and there wasn’t a poo monster in Wanted, which was based on a comic that had a big poo monster in it.

[Emily]
So we need to be more pro poo monster, and there needs to be more poo monster films, is what I’m hearing.

[Shep]
Representation. That’s all I’m saying.

[Emily]
You’re right. Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah. There’s a vacuum that we can fill here.

[Emily]
Everybody poos.

[Thomas]
A void. Shep, you want to go next?

[Shep]
Sure. Let’s do: a wizard finds out that their magic wand is a toilet brush, or they find out that they’re a wizard because of a magic toilet brush. Like, they are using a toilet brush that they think is normal, and then they can do magic and like, “Oh, I’m a wizard,” except that their wand is a toilet brush.

[Emily]
“You’re a Wizard, Harry Pooper.”

[Shep]
Well, now I just miss Alan Rickman. Okay. On that downer. The other one is a toilet brush that can perfectly clean anything it touches. I guess both of mine are magic.

[Thomas]
That’s okay.

[Shep]
But who wants to touch a toilet brush? You’d have to be very dirty to want to touch a toilet brush to get clean, even if the toilet brush can magically make you perfectly clean.

[Thomas]
Ultimately, that was one of the big things that I was thinking about when we were trying to come up with ideas is the toilet brush is gross. How do you make a movie about a toilet brush that isn’t inherently gross?

[Shep]
Well, you make it about a diamond that’s caught in the toilet brush that people are trying to recover.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Yup.

[Thomas]
Well, maybe you lean into it like a poo monster.

[Emily]
The poo monster.

[Shep]
Yeah, it could go either way.

[Thomas]
Well, my ideas, I have two of them as well. The first is it’s the 8th annual Franklin University Greek Games. And the trophy is a toilet brush mounted to a wooden plaque for some reason, because Greek life not only are the various frats competing to win the toilet brush, but another frat plans to steal it. It’s a bit like Revenge of the Nerds. Overall, a standard college comedy full of farce and gross-out humor.

[Emily]
I can get on board with that.

[Shep]
Yeah, I could see that.

[Thomas]
The other idea is, again, leaning into that grossness of the toilet brush. There’s a heist or something like that where the necessary parts are snuck into a secure facility in the handles of toilet brushes. And they’re brought in slowly over time with the facility’s toilet brushes being replaced one at a time. And then the evening of the heist, they all- they disguise themselves as janitors and they go from floor to floor and they pull all the parts out and assemble it. So the idea being that nobody would want to touch a toilet brush so nobody would inspect it. But also it’s a toilet br- No one would think twice. Of course it’s there. It’s fine.

[Emily]
Yeah. There’s no reason to be suspicious of it. You would just replace it with one that shows up.

[Shep]
So is this a movie about toilet brushes or you just want to plan heists and you think you’d be really good at it? Criminals are dumb, and you’re like, “I could solve this.”

[Thomas]
“No criminal has ever been smart enough to think of using a toilet brush before.” Is there one of these that we particularly like?

[Shep]
I kind of like the drug fueled romp one. I guess I like 80s comedies.

[Emily]
I mean, who doesn’t? I’m also a fan of the toilet brush that can perfectly clean anything that it touches because of the question at the end of your pitch with the can it clean personality/sole?

[Shep]
Yeah. If it can perfectly clean you and you’re a bad person and you touch it, do you become a less bad person? Do you become a good person? Well, now it’s a whole separate question, because if it’s changing a personality, is that the same person just with a clean soul? Or, like, this is how they would have been in other circumstances, or is it a different person? Now It’s a whole- would you want to touch it? You probably wouldn’t want to touch it because it would change who you are. But what if you knew you could be better?

[Emily]
What if you’re down on your luck? Disgusting woman just living in a hoarded, filthy mess. You can touch this toilet brush and become an executive.

[Shep]
It wouldn’t change your job.

[Emily]
No, but you can become. I said you can become. I didn’t say you do become.

[Shep]
Okay, I see.

[Thomas]
Maybe we’re thinking about it all wrong. Maybe the toilet brush has a Genie inside and you have to rub the toilet brush so the Genie never comes out because no one ever is rubbing the toilet br- Or maybe they’re cleaning the toilet and the act of scrubbing the toilet releases the Genie.

[Shep]
So do you think the Genie is coming out of the toilet or the brush at that moment?

[Emily]
At the moment, you think it’s the toilet, but really it’s the brush.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
I was going to say this got weird, but it started weird.

[Emily]
It started weird and just followed through.

[Thomas]
The fact that we’re having a conversation about toilet brushes in the first place.

[Emily]
I’m fine with the 80s nighttime romp. It’s a good one. It’s a good storyline.

[Thomas]
Yeah, I like that one.

[Emily]
There’s always a lot to explore with it. The comfortable predictability making you think it’s going to go one way and then taking a left turn.

[Shep]
You could combine it with the frat one. Like, they’ve lost their toilet brush and so they’re just replacing it with another one that they found. And so in the pursuit of the toilet brush, they end up at the frat party where it goes just absurd and it’s like it’s a trophy now and then how do they get it back? Or they have to compete. That team of old people have to compete against the frats-

[Thomas]
Yeah, I like that.

[Emily]
This is good. This is going somewhere. I’m liking this. It’s Old School meets The Neighbors.

[Thomas]
Yes, exactly.

[Emily]
Which are great movies.

[Thomas]
So where do they start out? They’re starting at, like, a grownup party? An adult party?

[Emily]
Yeah. So a couple are having some anniversary party and they’re inviting their friends, and that’s what I got.

[Thomas]
And what drugs are they doing?

[Emily]
Mescaline.

[Thomas]
I don’t know much about mescaline. How does it affect you?

[Emily]
I’m probably super wrong about this. I think mescaline is similar to MDMA. I don’t know. Okay, doing shrooms. We’re old. What do we do? We do shrooms and weed. They’re doing shrooms.

[Shep]
One small change. It’s not an earring stuck inside the toilet brush. It’s the toilet brush that they have to retrieve. Because this party took place at a friend of a friend’s house who is a big time rap star or whatever and has a diamond encrusted toilet brush. Because why not?

[Emily]
That all checks out.

[Thomas]
So how many main characters? Is it just a couple, or do we have, like, four people?

[Emily]
No more than six. No less than four.

[Thomas]
I think four would be good. One of them somehow gets this invite to this party that they have no business being at. It’s not an adult party. It’s like a mid 20s party.

[Shep]
Oh, yeah. They’re the oldest people there.

[Thomas]
They’re the oldest people there.

[Emily]
Okay. So if it’s like a rapper’s house, one’s like the personal assistant agent or executive of the record company. And they’re like, “Yeah, you got to come to my house because we click.” And they’re like, “I-“

[Thomas]
I think you should be even further than that. It’s like their cousin is that or something like that. Somehow they get invited and they’re like, “This will be a lark. Let’s go.” And so they show up there and they’re just like, “What even is this? And do we even know who this person is?” And one of them is like, “Yeah, I think I’ve heard their music.” And like, “Have you, though?”

[Emily]
Oh, you’ve got one who’s like me and still obsessed with pop culture. That’s like, “Oh, yeah, it’s this person. They’re on TikTok. They’re TikTok famous.” And everyone’s like, “We’re old.”

[Thomas]
Yeah. Why do you know this? So then they’re there and they’re like, going around and it’s your typical crazy Hollywood party or whatever. And maybe not all of them do drugs. Like, two or three of them decide, “Okay, we’re here at the party. Everyone’s doing coke or whatever. Why not?” And so they do whatever the drugs are, mescaline, whatever it is. And one of them maybe steals the toilet brush secretly or something.

[Emily]
And not because it’s diamond encrusted. They steal it because they think it’s talking to them. They think it’s magical and will make them a wizard.

[Shep]
So after the party, they have the toilet brush. How do they lose the toilet brush?

[Emily]
At a Denny’s

[Thomas]
Yeah, I love it.

[Shep]
I like the product placement.

[Emily]
Because they’re going for their post drug-fueled breakfast plate.

[Thomas]
Yeah, okay. I like that. So how do the college kids get it? I mean, obviously the college kids are at the Denny’s as well. I guess my question is how do the old people know that the young people have it?

[Shep]
Starting early with the hard questions. I see.

[Emily]
Yeah, I was going to say that sounds like a you problem. Okay, so one super high, the one that stole it is like, just fucked up.

[Thomas]
They’re useless.

[Emily]
They’re completely useless. And they’re like, “What happened to the toilet brush?” And they’re like telling some random ass story.

[Thomas]
They’re all in the car and they’re driving away. And the person is just like, “Wait a minute.”

[Emily]
Yeah. And the person is like, “Where’s the toilet brush?” And then the super high one is like, “Oh, the rabbit took it.” Like, “What fucking rabbit?” “The rabbit in the bathroom. She said she needed it for a talent show tonight.” And as they’re driving away, they see- They see the car pulling away, and there’s a girl with bunny ears on, like a bunny hat or something. And then they see her, like, pretending it’s a microphone making a Tik Tok video.

[Thomas]
Oh, God. It’s sort of a similar idea that they just accidentally left it in the booth or whatever. And so they get 20 minutes away or half an hour away, and they’re like, “Wait a minute, Where’s the toilet brush?” Like, “Oh, my God.” So they go back then maybe they like, go into the restaurant, check the booth, and it’s empty, and they’re like, “Crap.” And they ask like, “Hey, did anybody leave anything there?” “I don’t know, man. There were some people who were there.”

[Emily]
Because it’s diamond encrusted. We could do that fun, like bing noise, and it could just reflect light like crazy. So that’s how they catch it. That’s how they see it in the car driving by.

[Thomas]
I was thinking, they go back outside, and then the car with the college kids is driving away, and one of them is, like, leaning out the window with it, like, “Yeah!” Maybe slow-mo it goes by and they’re like, looking right at them. They’re like, “Wooo!” holding up the toilet brush and they’re like, “the toilet brush!”

[Shep]
Let’s say you were at some rapper’s party and you realize that you’ve left with a toilet brush, a diamond encrusted toilet brush. Why don’t you just turn around right then and take it back immediately? What’s the thought process?

[Thomas]
Maybe they don’t know until they’re at the Denny’s. The guy pulls it out and they’re like, “What the fuck is this? Where did this come from?” And he’s like, “Oh, I got it at the party.” And they’re like, so then they finish their meal and they’re like, “Okay, well, obviously we’re going back there now to return it.”

[Emily]
And then the super high person causes a kerfuffle as they’re trying to get out the door. They’re trying to wrangle the one person out. So that’s how they’re all distracted and don’t notice that they left it behind.

[Shep]
Okay, but again, why isn’t someone not high holding onto it at that point? I just don’t want to fall into the idiot ball trap.

[Emily]
Well, aren’t they all a little high?

[Shep]
Are they?

[Emily]
I think one’s super high and then the others are all kind of high.

[Shep]
If they didn’t all do drugs, some are going to be completely sober. And you said responsible adults. You got to have at least one sober person driving.

[Emily]
This is a hard question, Shep.

[Shep]
We were supposed to start with the hard questions. Let’s take it back a little bit. What if the sober people don’t have the toilet brush? The drugged-out person has left the party with it, and they realize later that the toilet brush is missing because they saw it earlier in the party. They saw it there and commented on it.

[Emily]
Because it’s ridiculous and bizarre.

[Shep]
And then the high one’s playing with it. And then later he’s gone. He left the party and they’re like, “Where is he?” “He left.” And then they realized the toilet brush is missing with them. “Let’s go find him and get that back so nobody notices, we’re just going to going go and find him.” And he left to go to another party because it seemed like a good idea. Then that’s the party at the college. That’s how it gets to the college. You could have everything else the same. He gave it to the rabbit because the rabbit needs it for the talent show and the frat car can drive by. They’re just on the street and they’re shining the diamond. Do you see what I mean? It’s not. At no point are they just. “Oh, we forgot about-“

[Emily]
Diamond encrusted-

[Shep]
The driving force of the motivation here.

[Thomas]
Sure.

[Emily]
I think that nicely wraps up that plot hole problem.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
You did a good job, Shep.

[Shep]
Yay.

[Thomas]
Okay, so they’ve get to the frat house, or do they get to the frat? How do they know where to go?

[Emily]
They don’t know where to go yet. It’s like an adventure plot. The map through the city to get to… They got to find the guy. They got to find the toilet brush.

[Thomas]
Is there, like a university sticker on the car? And they’re like, “Well, we could start there.”

[Shep]
They don’t see the car when they’re already at the university?

[Thomas]
Is that where they lose the toilet brush is at the university?

[Shep]
No, they’ve lost- because the guy is already gone. So they’re trying to find him.

[Thomas]
Yeah, right.

[Emily]
Yeah. They’re trying to figure out where he went and who he went with because I think he’s going to leave the party with college students. That’s how… they’ve crashed the party. And they convinced him to go with them. And he takes the toilet brush.

[Shep]
But they wouldn’t even have to crash, they’re college students. They were invited.

[Emily]
I just thought if it was a famous rapper, they would be crashing.

[Thomas]
And we have an excuse for them to leave because they could be getting kicked out.

[Emily]
Yeah, because they’re just college students.

[Shep]
Oh, yeah, yeah. There you go.

[Emily]
They get kicked out, the guy goes with-

[Thomas]
Does he follow them out or is he mistakenly part of their- he’s mistaken as part of their group. So if he gets kicked out, too.

[Emily]
He’s mistakenly part of their entourage and shuffled out with them.

[Thomas]
Because he’s all high. He’s out there dancing with them, and-

[Shep]
Oh, yeah. I can see all of this.

[Thomas]
He’s causing a big scene. Yeah.

[Shep]
He’s why they get kicked out.

[Thomas]
Right. Yeah. That’s why the attention gets put on them.

[Shep]
Why did they take him with them if he’s the reason that they got kicked out?

[Emily]
The hot girl thought it was funny, and they go to Denny’s.

[Shep]
What we need that Denny’s money.

[Emily]
Oh, and then someone can remember a detail, like a Greek letter on a sweater or something.

[Shep]
Are these all just a bunch of Sherlocks? They have memory palaces and they remember all the details of everything. I’m not saying that’s not a good idea, because I like Sherlock. So it’s like, what if they were competent people in one of these mad cap whatevers or would that be unrealistic?

[Emily]
I think they should be competent. I think one of them should at least be competent. You would notice if a girl or a guy was wearing a frat sweatshirt with the Greek letters on it, it would be noticeable.

[Shep]
I mean, I wouldn’t notice so that accusation no no no.

[Thomas]
Or maybe they have a university sweater. It says UCLA on it real big.

[Shep]
See that I can read.

[Emily]
All right, fine. It’s the university sweatshirt. Okay? It’s the university sweatshirt. So they know…

[Thomas]
It’s their alma mater, which is why they make why it stands out to them. Tons and tons of people in LA would have a UCLA sweatshirt. They’re like, “Oh, hey, cool. That’s where I went.”

[Emily]
And that’s why the high guy is hanging out with them, because they’re all-

[Shep]
No, the main characters are from a rival university. They would notice it just as much, like, “Oh, it’s that university of-“

[Thomas]
Phoenix?

[Shep]
Online university.

[Thomas]
And they go to Carrington College. Do either of those still exist?

[Shep]
I don’t think so.

[Thomas]
I don’t think so, but no, I like that idea that they notice it because it’s a rival university. Like, “Fucking UCLA kids are always everywhere.”

[Emily]
“Always being assholes, crashing parties.”

[Thomas]
And they’re there. They’re, like, clearly kind of drunk.

[Shep]
They’re complaining about other people crashing the party.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Yeah, I like that because it’s everything that they’re accusing the other people of doing is things that they are doing, so when they see the toilet brush they’re like “Oh, they stole the toilet brush!” Because they stole the toilet brush.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s good. I like that. All right. They start looking at the university. They know to start looking at the university. They don’t necessarily know that it’s a Greek-

[Emily]
They don’t know where on campus or how close to campus. They just know, “Okay, we got to go towards that university because they’ll live nearby.”

[Thomas]
I feel like it’s probably a big campus and they’ve got to have a plan. Other than just wander around.

[Shep]
Well, they keep trying to call the guy to find out where he is and he’s not answering but his phone’s ringing, it doesn’t immediately go to voicemail so his phone’s on somewhere.

[Emily]
Can they do locations on him?

[Shep]
I don’t know can you guys do locations on other people?

[Emily]
If it’s been allowed. Like, say, one of the other people is his spouse or brother or something. And so they have location-

[Thomas]
Maybe he posts something to his Instagram.

[Emily]
I was thinking there should be social media posts.

[Thomas]
And so they’re just always a little bit behind, like, “Oh, that’s whatever hall.”

[Shep]
Yeah now it’s The Hangover where they have the photographs and they’re going through the photographs.

[Thomas]
Yes, you’re right.

[Shep]
It’s not a deal breaker though I mean those movies made millions of dollars and this would be more relevant to the modern-

[Thomas]
I mean, everybody has a toilet brush. Not everybody has a hangover.

[Shep]
I meant seeing the Instagram posts to figure out where he is.

[Thomas]
Yeah. And it’s just like, “We think he might be at this campus because he was with those college kids.” “Yeah, but the campus is huge.” And somebody’s looking at his Instagram like, “Well, he just posted a photo in front of Stevens Hall.” Like, “Okay, well, now we know where to start.”

[Shep]
Could the high friend be called Waldo? Because we could knock two of these out.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Thomas]
Oh, man.

[Emily]
Only if we find out later his wife’s name is Carmen.

[Shep]
The University of San Diego, it’s all coming together.

[Emily]
Well, if we’re going to do San Diego, then we got to throw in some military guys and a bar fight.

[Thomas]
Sure. I’m for it.

[Emily]
Yeah. Because San Diego has a huge Navy base and a huge Marine Corps base.

[Shep]
I mean we need another set piece so that works out fine.

[Emily]
The competition that they’re having for this prize, because that’s what we’re going to… is it a frat contest? Are we keeping that piece?

[Shep]
Sure.

[Emily]
Is a scavenger Hunt. So he’s, along the way on a scavenger Hunt. So they have to steal-

[Thomas]
He’s an item on the list.

[Shep]
Oh yeah, that’s why they took him.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
That’s why they agreed to take him with them. They’re like, “No, it fills this.” Yeah. Because he’s from the rival college. They have to take something from the rival college. So they took an (alumnus).

[Thomas]
I like it.

[Shep]
That’s great. I like this movie more and more.

[Emily]
Yeah. So another thing is they have to get a piece of military paraphernalia, and they have to go to the shipyard bar or something to try and get something off of a Marine or a sailor.

[Shep]
Yeah, I can see that.

[Emily]
Which is even harder in this day and age because they’re not allowed to wear their uniforms in bars anymore. So they have to be real sneaky about it. They have to figure out how they’re going to do it. But it should involve a fight.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah. There totally needs to be a big bar fight.

[Emily]
Yeah. It’s got to be a big bar fight, and it should be between the Marines and the sailors. Like, the college kids somehow instigate it and then they just end up brawling.

[Thomas]
Well, while we try to figure out what that is, let’s take a quick break here. And when we come back, we’ll hopefully have a solution for what it is they’re going to take off of a sailor or a Marine or a military person and how this bar fight starts. So we’ll be back in just a moment.

[Break]

[Thomas]
All right, we are back. I was thinking during the break, is it the college kids who start the bar fight or is it the adults who start the bar fight?

[Shep]
That’s got to be the adults because they’re the main characters of the movie so they’re going to the bar to catch their friend or catch the rival college kids that have their friend who’s still high and so they’re just dragging him around.

[Thomas]
Right. Yeah.

[Shep]
He is having a great time.

[Emily]
Of course.

[Shep]
I was thinking about him, I know he said it as a joke but he should be named Wally because they’re trying to find him. I’m like, don’t call him Waldo, don’t call the girl Carmen San Diego but her name could be Carmen that you find out the end of the movie because while he had such a good time he gets her number and it turns out to be Carmen. She happens to go to University of San Diego.

[Thomas]
That’s good.

[Emily]
I think that’s cute. I like it.

[Shep]
Just little things,

[Emily]
Just a fun little detail.

[Shep]
Yeah, easter eggs.

[Thomas]
So I was thinking the photo is maybe not him at the university, it’s him at Jerry’s bar or whatever. And so that’s why they go there and the college kids are there trying to get the military thing, which I was thinking possibly could be a challenge coin. I feel like that’s a thing they would all have, probably.

[Emily]
Yeah, they might have a challenge coin. That would be good. I was thinking dog tags, because there’s an extra. Like, the college students are not smart people and don’t understand how stupid it is to try and take someone’s dog tags.

[Thomas]
So one of the thoughts that I had is if the college kids are there and they’re trying to, maybe they don’t know, they don’t have a plan. They’re trying to figure out what they’re going to do. And the adults show up and they are like, “Hey, we got to take Wally back with us.” And they’re like, “Whoa, we need him. He’s hanging out with us.” Or whatever, right?

[Emily]
“We’re keeping him safe. He’s fine. Don’t worry.”

[Thomas]
Yeah. So there’s like a small confrontation there and they’re working at odds with each other because they’re trying to get Wally and get out of there. And they’re like, “No, we want to keep him.”

[Shep]
And they can ask Wally what he wants to do and he’s so out of it he doesn’t he’s like- (mumble)

[Thomas]
Right?

[Shep]
“Tangerines.”

[Thomas]
He’s like, “Go to Denny’s.”

[Shep]
Yeah, directly into the camera.

[Thomas]
“I’m going to order a Grand Slam at Denny’s.” “It’s the only coherent thing he said all night!” My thinking was that they agreed to help the college kids, kind of in exchange, right? They’re like, “Okay, we’ll help you.”

[Emily]
Okay? Yeah. The college kids are like, “Hey, we’ll give you Wally back, but you got to help us get-“

[Thomas]
“But you got to help us get this thing.” And so one of them maybe is like, “Oh, I have grandfather’s challenge coin. I know these military guys always have challenge coins. Like, we could try to get one of their coins or something,” and it kind of works like the coins come out. But then the college students, I was thinking kind of cause- somehow the ruckus happens and then the college students grab the coin, the one from the military person, not the one from the adults, and they hoof it out of there with Wally while the fight is happening. That way we keep Wally with them and we more clearly establish that the adults kind of have a sense of who they’re dealing with. They know it’s definitely the college kids. They know what college. Maybe even they know what frat.

[Emily]
Maybe they get a little piece of the backstory of what’s going on about the Greek games. And so they know-

[Thomas]
Yeah. That way they don’t have to figure it all out all over. They don’t know what frat. They just know it’s part of the Greek games at this college. And so they at least have a little bit more to go on that now they know to go to the college next, because eventually those guys are going to come back and they know to go around to the Greek houses and try to figure out where to be.

[Shep]
Sorry, I’m just trying to picture the bunch of adults going around to the frats and trying to get more information and everyone’s like “We’re not talking to you, narc.”

[Emily]
Right?

[Shep]
“Get out of here old man.” “I’m 32.”

[Thomas]
“I said what I said.” So does that sound reasonable? Plausible? Almost plausible?

[Shep]
Ha ha. Roll credits. What is a challenge coin? As a nonmilitary person I don’t get that reference.

[Thomas]
It’s not strictly a military thing. I just know a lot of military people have them. It’s like a bigger thing, I think, in military culture, but it’s like a coin that you’re supposed to always carry with you. So the challenge is, do you have your coin? And then if you don’t have your coin, then you have to buy the drinks is my understanding of how it works. So you would pull out your coin and slap it down, and then the other guy has to pull out his coin and slap it down. And then if he has his coin, you have to buy the drinks. But if he doesn’t have his coin, then he has to buy the drinks or something like that.

[Emily]
Okay, so I got one. When you make chief in the Navy, you have to carry a chief’s book or they make you something when you become a chief that you have to carry with you during your chief’s initiation at all times. When my dad went through it, his was a lead letter. It was on a chain, and he had to wear it around his neck, around the ship. He didn’t want to do it, so he didn’t wear it. And they’re like, “Hey, Where’s your letter?” He looks dead- because my dad was a postal clerk. So that’s why it was a letter. So he looks dead in the eye and he goes, “Well it was a letter. I fucking mailed it.” And they’re like, “Ahh!” So they let them get away with it.

[Thomas]
That’s awesome.

[Emily]
Yeah, that’s a thing. Or you have to make a chief’s book, and a chief’s book is usually some kind of, like, thing, but you have to carry it with you at all times during this two week initiation. So it could just be the college kids are trying to figure out what the fuck they’re going to get. And they happen to go to a bar that they know is frequented by the military. And it turns out it’s a chief’s initiation night.

[Thomas]
So is this the beginning of his initiation period, or are they celebrating the end of his initiation?

[Emily]
This is the end of the initiation period. They go into drunken debauchery.

[Thomas]
Yeah, sounds about right.

[Emily]
Yeah. It’s a whole big culture. So they just happened to come in and they’re all just shit faced, and one of them steals the chief’s book, or they’re going to make the swap. And they’re like, “All right, well, I’ll get the chief’s book” or whatever, because maybe somebody knows this story. Maybe somebody’s like me a military brat, they know what’s up. So they’re like, “Well, that’s going to be the easiest thing to steal because they’re not going to get rid of- they’re not going to let anything else go. They can’t wear their uniforms. You can’t get a dog tag. Yeah, you can’t get a dog tag. You can’t steal their ID, that’s fucking federal offence,” that kind of thing. They’re like, “Maybe we can get away with this.” And so that’s how the fight starts.

[Thomas]
Maybe the adults have this knowledge which they impart to the college kids, and then they agree to cause a distraction or something like that. Or maybe they’re just like, “Oh, yeah, we’ll grab it.” I don’t know. However it happens.

[Emily]
Well, they have a sultry, beautiful, red headed, 40-year-old woman with them who’s like, “I got this, boys,” and she tries to seduce her way out of it. And then you could do, like, a flip thing where the guy’s like, “Yeah, no, I’m not interested, ma’am.” And they’re like, “He said, no.” And that’s what starts the fight is because she’s refusing to accept.

[Thomas]
Do some Marines come over because they see some sailors yelling at a woman and they misread the situation or whatever?

[Emily]
Yeah, yes. And they think that they’re trying to protect this poor young sailor from this cougar.

[Thomas]
Or even maybe it’s a double bluff. So they come over and like, “Hey, you’re harassing this woman?” They’re like, “No, she’s harassing us. We’ve told her no several times.” They’re like, “Hey, lady, back off.” They turn on her. And then all the guys, “Whoa,” they’re like, “Hey, get the fuck out of here.” And then the college kids are like, “Yeah, this seems like a good time.” They like, grab the book and high tail it. And while the adults are, like, trying to escape from basically from being beat up by a bunch of sailors and Marines.

[Shep]
So how does the fight start?

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Somebody slips and throws a punch. Do the adults physically start the fight?

[Thomas]
I like more the idea that it starts because of their actions and not because of them directly.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
What do you mean?

[Thomas]
Just like that something they say or do is the cause of the fight starting and not because one of them actually throws a punch or shoves a guy or something like that.

[Shep]
I see.

[Thomas]
Or maybe it’s that the sailors are, like, telling the woman to go away and the other guys come over to help her and then they kind of start. There’s some chest puffing happening, and then one of the guys pushes the sailor and the sailor bumps into the Marine, and the Marine turns around.

[Emily]
How do bar fights always start? Somebody spills somebody’s drink, somebody hits on somebody’s woman.

[Thomas]
I mean, is this a detail we need to figure out? There’s a bar fight.

[Shep]
It seems like there’s an opportunity here to subvert expectations in some way or to do the standard bar fight, but in a clever way, if I could think of one, which I can’t.

[Emily]
Right. Well, yeah, but the only subversion I came up with was the sailors being like, “Hey, ma’am. He said, no, you need to leave him alone, respect his space.” I like the idea of the Marines coming in thinking, “Oh, we’re going to rescue this lady.” And then they find out and they’re like, “Ma’am, no.” I want her to get offended because they keep calling her ma’am, but they can’t not call her ma’am because it’s been bred into them in training.

[Thomas]
I like the older people, the adults keep bringing up their age. “I’m only 33.” “Are we old?”

[Emily]
“When did we become the old people?”

[Thomas]
“I don’t feel old.” One of them is like, “I feel old. I’m fucking tired. We’ve been up all night.” I think a couple of times they should talk about going to Denny’s. Like, it should come up as just like a mention, but at the end of the movie, that’s where they decide to go.

[Shep]
Because they have the old person’s discount.

[Emily]
Don’t you remember being a teenager/young adult and going to Denny’s?

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Because it’s open 24 hours for no other fucking reason and the food was edible.

[Thomas]
And not prohibitively expensive. Do we have a clever idea for how this bar fight starts or happens?

[Shep]
I like it if the adults cause the fight because she’s offended that they keep calling her ma’am. She keeps telling them, “Don’t call me ma’am. I’m only 34.” “Sorry, ma’am.”

[Emily]
She smacks one of them cause she’s not okay. She smacks one of them.

[Shep]
Yeah. But immediately regrets it.

[Emily]
And then the guy just naturally reacts a little bit like he’s going to smack her. And then the Marine’s like, “Hey, no, you can’t smack a woman.” And then that’s what starts the fight is that they’ve already kind of flipped the script on what you expect them to be with the whole he’s not giving consent, ma’am. You need to back away. And then the Marines are like, “Yeah, okay, but you can’t smack her. You still can’t hit a woman.”

[Thomas]
And then while the Marines are-

[Shep]
“But how can she slap?”

[Thomas]
Ah! You ruined my joke! Yeah. “How can she slap?” Exactly.

[Shep]
No one except old people will get our references. But that’s the target audience.

[Thomas]
Yeah. We’ve established this as a movie for old people.

[Emily]
Does that work? Is that acceptable enough?

[Thomas]
I think that works. Yeah.

[Shep]
Yeah, I think that works. Yeah.

[Thomas]
Okay, so in the kerfuffle, they hightail it out of there. The college kids have already-

[Shep]
They’re long gone.

[Emily]
Yeah, they’ve been long gone. They were long gone when they were like, “Ma’am, you need to calm down.” They were like sneaky sneaky sneaky.

[Thomas]
Yeah, right. They saw that as their opportunity, and they took off with Wally. So the adults go to the college next.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Yeah. They figure they can’t- Where else would they end up? They’re going to go back to the college because it’s part of the scavenger hunt. They’ve gotten that much information.

[Thomas]
Or do they know some of the other stuff on the list? And so they go to one of the places where they think they might be.

[Shep]
Oh, you could split them up here at this point. So the college kids, when they meet up, when they are first talking earlier, they’re like, “We need this and this and this and this,” and they go, “Okay, we can help you with the military thing, whatever.” So they know what some of the other items are and they know what the college is. And if you have five people… or four people?

[Emily]
We had four, but we said four to six. So we can have five people. Wally could be number five and we can have four people looking for Wally.

[Shep]
Well, is Wally number five or is he number six?

[Thomas]
Is it two or three couples or is it two couples and Wally? Is it-

[Emily]
Wally’s number six. There’s five of them.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Emily]
Two couples and a free dad or free mom.

[Shep]
Free Dad is a very different kind of movie. So each couple goes to one of the place, where does the free dad go?

[Thomas]
To the other place.

[Shep]
Which couple does the free dad go with?

[Emily]
He goes back to the college.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah. They sent him to the college to wait.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Thomas]
How are they all getting around? I assume they’re all in one vehicle.

[Shep]
It’s all Ubers these days.

[Emily]
Yeah, they’re Ubering the shit out of this city.

[Shep]
Or Lyft?

[Thomas]
Or Luber? No, wait.

[Shep]
Again, that’s a different kind of movie.

[Thomas]
That’s in Free Daddy.

[Shep]
Okay, so each couple goes to one of the potential objects, and the free dad goes to the college. That’s when he gets accused of being a narc and no one will talk to him.

[Thomas]
Yeah, an older dude on his own?

[Shep]
And he could have been like, “Hey, chill” to the woman who’s like, “Don’t call me ma’am. I’m 34.” And then later, when they’re calling him a narc, he’s like “Don’t ca- I’m not an old man.” It’s like, “Oh, I get it now. I get why she was upset.”

[Emily]
All right, so you know what he’s doing, what’s going on with him.

[Thomas]
I guess it doesn’t really matter where the other two couples go. There’s something there’s, MacGuffins, that they know they’re looking for. It’s two out of five things left on the list. So they just kind of take a stab at where they might be going. Do they run into them or not? I think is the big question.

[Shep]
I think one of them runs into another group that doesn’t have Wally.

[Emily]
Yeah, that’s what I was going to suggest. That’s how they figure out the rest of the like, where the end piece? Where they end, where they’re supposed to end up in the scavenger hunt. So now they have that information of “We end up this frat house.”

[Thomas]
Yeah. Maybe they see this other group and they realize it’s not the group, of course, because Wally is not there and they know who these people are now and it’s not them. But they realize that it’s kids from that college doing that thing. And so they’re like, “Hold on. I think we can maybe approach this a different way.” So they come in like, “Oh, hey, guys, what are you up to?” And kind of like more “Oh, that’s cool. How fun. Oh.”

[Shep]
“How are you doing, fellow kids?”

[Emily]
Do the college students think they’re hitting on them?

[Thomas]
I think they just think like, “Oh, this is weird. Okay, whatever.”

[Shep]
Sorry. The college kids thinking that they’re- Because it’s a couple coming up to them.

[Emily]
They’re thinking, the couple wants to spice up their marriage tonight.

[Thomas]
Oh, man, that could be actually really funny if it’s the same person and it’s like, “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re not interested.” She’s like, “God damn it.”

[Shep]
If one of the college kids or if several of the college kids were like, “No, Ma’am, no thanks.” And one of them was like, “Well…”

[Thomas]
Okay, so maybe one of them has, like, a pin or a pendant or something like that. That’s from their rival college, because all of the adults went to college together at the rival college.

[Shep]
The other group needs-

[Thomas]
They’re like, “We’ll trade you this if you tell us what we want to know.” And so they’re like, “Yeah, all right, whatever. We don’t care.” That’s how they get the information of where it’s all happening and that sort of stuff. And they’re like, “Okay, here you go.” And they give them the belt or whatever. The Fanny pack, whatever the fuck it is.

[Emily]
Keychain.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Actually, that’s not bad.

[Shep]
Yeah, because everyone’s got one on them and it’s easily replaceable. Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah. So then they call each other. They don’t text each other. They call each other.

[Shep]
All right. Because they’re old people.

[Emily]
Yeah. Because that’s how old they are.

[Shep]
I love the little details.

[Thomas]
And so they’re like, “Oh, we got to go to the college. Let’s all go to the college.” And do they just plan ahead? Like, we’re going to meet there at this time or…?

[Shep]
No, because they’re trying to get there.

[Emily]
No, they say “We’ll call when we figure it out.”

[Shep]
So I think the other couple runs into the Wally group after. So the other Wally group has gotten their item and they’re leaving. So they’re chasing them to the college. The other couple gets the information of where to go at the college, and then we have the guy at the college who’s not going to make it. He’s going to be the last one to arrive. They all expect to meet him wherever.

[Thomas]
Yeah. They just assume he’s figured it out.

[Emily]
He’s already figured it out. He’s the smart one. He’s the calm, rational, smart one. Of course, he’s gotten all of this put together, and he knows where to meet them, and he’s still like-

[Thomas]
I like the idea that he’s at the party. He’s at wherever it is they need to be. But he’s upset by this. And so he’s just, like, sitting there drinking a beer in another room. Like, in a back room. Not like a bedroom, but a back living room. He’s drinking. He’s kind of like mumbling and complaining, and there’s a couple making out next to him on the couch or whatever. And he’s just like, “Fucking-“

[Shep]
He’s got to run into some other older person there so they could commiserate with each other.

[Thomas]
Yeah, maybe that person’s an alumnus who’s come back and-

[Emily]
He’s a professor dating one of the sorority girls.

[Thomas]
Love it. So they get to the party.

[Shep]
They get to the party.

[Thomas]
And then it’s like, everyone comes back. It’s the results, right? We have to see who won the contest.

[Shep]
Oh, yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah. All the teams are coming back.

[Shep]
This is where you have your big climax. So how do they retrieve the toilet brush? Which if you recall was the point of this.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Yeah. They’ve got Wally because that’s easy to get after they- Oh, no, they can’t get Wally quite yet because he’s got a-

[Thomas]
But, I mean, after the contest is over, they don’t need the toilet brush anymore. What was the toilet brush fulfilling on the list?

[Emily]
Nothing. Wally just had it because it was magic. And made him a wizard.

[Thomas]
Okay. I was thinking during the break that you talked about, he’s thinking about, “Oh, I had to give the toilet brush to a rabbit.” I like the idea that at some point they’ve gotten Wally back, maybe at the bar or whatever, and it doesn’t really make sense because they want him to come with him. But anyway, I was thinking, like, he could be like, “Oh, follow the white rabbit” because he’s all conked out.

[Emily]
The rabbit, the girl with the bunny ears. She’s holding onto it because Wally’s following the toilet brush, the diamond encrusted toilet brush because it makes him magical. So she tells him she needs it for a talent show, and that’s how she lures him away from the group and keeps him with them. So at the end of the competition, after they’ve done everything, she just, like, casually tosses it or something and another student picks it up.

[Thomas]
Maybe the rapper has a logo and it’s on the end of the handle. “Is this so-and-so’s toilet brush? What the hell? Is this MC Skat Kat’s toilet brush?” So our quote unquote climax feels really flat at the moment. So we need- Is there, like, a big confrontation? Do the adults and the college kids have to work together again at the end to help the college kids win?

[Emily]
These are important philosophical questions.

[Thomas]
And ultimately, I think that it’s still a big question of, like, is the toilet brush playing enough of a role? I mean, obviously it’s the impetus for all of this stuff, but-

[Shep]
But it’s just a MacGuffin-

[Thomas]
What is its role in every scene? How is it driving the story? Because right now it kind of isn’t. And they’re not even trying to get it. They’re trying to get him. He’s trying to get it.

[Emily]
So maybe whoever invited them to the party that they crashed is like texting or blowing up their phone about, “Hey, we really need this back. It’s worth a ridiculous amount of money. He’s going to notice. He knows I invited you.”

[Thomas]
Oh, he has noticed.

[Emily]
Maybe they’re telling the guy the whole story. And so we’ve got that whole third piece that comes in out of nowhere at the end.

[Thomas]
So the rap star shows up to the party. All the college kids are like, “Holy shit, this guy’s at our party.” And they’re like, “Yeah, because we brought him here.”

[Emily]
“Because we’re not old and we’re cool.”

[Shep]
That’s their validation for that they’re still relevant and cool is their cousin’s friend works for-

[Emily]
That’s why they were at the party. So maybe the rapper does know, and we intersperse it with scenes of maybe he’s a Dr. Dre style rapper. And we’ve seen scenes of him holding them over balconies saying, “Better bring my fucking toilet brush back.”

[Thomas]
It’s like everyone’s chasing everyone, right? So the rappers chasing the adults. The adults are chasing the college kids.

[Emily]
College kids are chasing the scavenger hunt.

[Thomas]
I thought you say they’re chasing tail, because college kids.

[Emily]
There’s that too.

[Thomas]
Little from column A, little from column B.

[Shep]
So you have scenes of the rapper who’s like, one step behind them-

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
But getting closer and closer.

[Thomas]
When they all split up there’s the one couple that sees the white rabbit couple and the rapper sees them. So it’s like literally all three of them in one big chase. Oh no wait. Because we don’t want the rapper to get to the university until the very end.

[Emily]
Well they have to lose him but still follow where they’re going.

[Thomas]
Yeah, I think that makes the most sense for that.

[Emily]
Yeah. So they have to somehow figure out a way, and that can be a conversation they have. They’re like, “So how are we supposed to lose him but follow them? We can’t deviate from our path.” One of them calls attention to him outside of a movie theater or something. A crowded space.

[Shep]
Oh, yeah, and he gets mobbed.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Oh maybe they’re at a red light. He’s like, “Oh my gosh, it’s whoever in that car.” And-

[Emily]
So they buy enough time but they can still follow.

[Thomas]
That’s good, that works.

[Emily]
So we’re still putting an importance on the toilet brush. It’s still a key factor in the story.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So at the end the rapper gets the toilet brush with his logo on it and he’s like, “Thank God my mom made this for me. She’d be real upset if I lost it.”

[Emily]
I like it.

[Thomas]
In fact I like that it’s not even actual gold and jewels. It’s just like spray painted gold and-

[Emily]
And rhinestones.

[Thomas]
Costume jewels and stuff.

[Shep]
“Those aren’t real diamonds.” “No. Who would put real diamonds on a toilet brush?”

[Thomas]
Yeah, “I’m not gonna stick real diamonds in the toilet. What the hell?”

[Emily]
“That’s stupid.” And then they all end up at Denny’s eating a Grand Slam.

[Thomas]
Yeah, they all end up at Denny’s for sure. Yeah.

[Emily]
They can take the young people with them and they’ll be like, “Why do they like it here so much? The food is gross. It doesn’t even photograph well.”

[Thomas]
Alright dear listener, that is a story about a toilet brush. Now if this movie was in theaters would you go see it? Let us know via email or social media. Links to those can be found on our website: AlmostPlausible.com Now on this show we assign homework for our listeners and this week your assignment is to do two simple things. First, subscribe to this podcast if you haven’t already. You can find Almost Plausible wherever you regularly listen to podcasts. Second, tell at least one new person about the show. And yes there is extra credit for telling more than one person. Send them all to AlmostPlausible.com so they can become a part of our community. Thank you for listening to our story about a toilet brush and my sincere thanks to Emily and Shep for doing this silly project with me. You can hear what nonsense the three of us get up to next week on another episode of Almost Plausible.

[End Music]

[Shep]
I’m trying to think of like, Denny’s dishes that I know and I can’t think of absolute any.

[Emily]
Grand Slam.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Moons Over My Hammy. Isn’t that one of them? Yeah.

[Emily]
Moons Over My Hammy is one. Farmer Slam.

[Thomas]
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in to a Denny’s.

[Shep]
It’s like “I was just at a Denny’s…. when I was in college.”

[Thomas]
Yeah, 20 years ago.

[Shep]
Yup.