Almost Plausible

Ep. 39

Eggnog

20 December 2022

Runtime: 00:52:55

Who doesn't love eggnog? Well, you might not, but we love it! And for the main character of this episode, eggnog is the only good thing about the winter holidays. But that love of eggnog, along with his humbug attitude toward Christmas, make him a perfect—if unlikely—candidate to become a Santa Claus (not *the* Santa Claus, just *a* Santa Claus). Join an all-star cast as they engage in some classic "reindeer games," and help Ben Affleck find his Christmas Spirit.

References

Oddities

Thomas suggested the movie could be called Santa Boot Camp. Ten days after we recorded this episode, a movie called Santa Bootcamp was released, which none of us previously knew about.

Additionally, the plot that we came up with (taking the biggest scrooge and trying to turn them into a good person in order to make the biggest positive difference in the world) is basically the plot of Spirited, which came out 2 days after we recorded this episode. None of us knew about this film’s plot at the time.

We’ve said it before and it still seems to be true: There are no new ideas.

Transcript

[Intro music begins]

[Emily]
Eggnog is replaced with the milk of human kindness at a company Christmas party. And the CEO becomes a Santa-like figure in his town.

[Shep]
What is the milk of human kindness?

[Thomas]
Sounds pretty dirty to me.

[Shep]
Yeah, like someone spiked this eggnog and got fired for it. HR escorted them from the building and the police were waiting for them outside.

[Thomas]
“Oh, man. What did he put in it?” “Let’s just say it was the ‘milk of human kindness’.”

[Emily]
THC doesn’t spread to breast milk. I’m telling you.

[Shep]
Breastmilk wasn’t where I was going.

[Intro music]

[Thomas]
Hey there, story fans. Welcome to Almost Plausible, the podcast where we take ordinary objects and turn them into movies. Christmas is right around the corner. And that means it’s time once again for my favorite holiday tradition, drinking eggnog.

[Shep]
100% agree.

[Emily]
Oh, yeah.

[Thomas]
Also hanging their stockings by the chimney with care are Emily-

[Emily]
Hey, guys.

[Thomas]
And F. Paul Shepard.

[Shep]
Happy to drink eggnog.

[Thomas]
Well, as I said, I love eggnog. I think we know how Shep feels about it. Emily, what are your thoughts?

[Emily]
I actually really enjoy eggnog. And I have a rant about a popular coffee store and their lack there of egg dog that I was told they would have this year. And turns out that person was misinformed and ruined my day for no reason.

[Shep]
We can’t name them in case they sponsor us someday.

[Emily]
Correct.

[Shep]
That happens.

[Emily]
Pumpkin-chai-nogs are my favorite holiday drink.

[Thomas]
Oh, man.

[Emily]
And I was upset when they said there was not going to be any eggnog at that store. And I was like, “That is stupid.”

[Shep]
I have never had a pumpkin-chai-nog. And now I want one more than anything else.

[Thomas]
I’ve never had a pumpkin-chai-nog. I’ve had chai-nog before. It’s really good.

[Emily]
This time of year is when you can get the pumpkin-chai-nog because they have both eggnog and pumpkin.

[Thomas]
This time of year for when we’re recording. Probably not anymore by the time this episode comes out.

[Emily]
I mean, if you’re doing Christmas in July, they’re not going to have that.

[Shep]
How does time work?

[Thomas]
Well, love it or hate it, eggnog is the subject of today’s episode. And Shep, it is your turn to pitch first.

[Shep]
Well, I love it. So my first pitch. A Christmas party turns deadly as the guests play a dangerous game, drinking cups of eggnog, knowing at least one of them is poisoned.

[Emily]
So my first question is-

[Shep]
I’m stealing your serial killer.

[Emily]
Well, no, I was going to gloss over that. No. Why are they agreeing to drinking it if they know one of them is going to be poisoned?

[Shep]
I imagine that people have broken in and taken over the party. Terrorists, or what’s that movie where the two guys- Funny Games.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
Where they’re just torturing this family, basically.

[Emily]
For no reason other than shits and giggles.

[Shep]
Yeah. Although maybe it’s not. Maybe people didn’t break in. And maybe some of the guests have decided to turn on the other guests. Because I think that- because we’ve talked about this before, Emily, about the fear that your friends don’t like you.

[Emily]
Oh, yes.

[Shep]
Right, because I have never felt that. I was like, “That’s a crazy feeling.” But then we have other friends who are like, “Oh, yeah, I feel that.” It was like, “Wow, wow.” So I feel a lot of people feel like that, that they are afraid that if they went to one of these parties where half the party guests are going to murder the other half, they’d be on the losing end.

[Emily]
They would be the ones being murdered.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Is it like a purge type situation maybe?

[Shep]
Yeah, maybe.

[Emily]
Where it’s just a societal thing now-

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
There’s a party where you’re going to kill half of the guests.

[Shep]
Right. So maybe the world is overpopulated, so they’re doing this every once in a while. Half the people have to die and they don’t care what. So a lot of people are like, “Well, we’ll make it random. We’ll poison half the whatevers, and then we don’t control who dies.” But maybe people are already corrupting it and like, “No, we’re going to kill half these people. We’re going to choose.” I guess it’s not very much about the eggnog.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
But it’s a fascinating story.

[Shep]
Yeah. Maybe we’ll do it for some other thing. So here’s the other pitch. Eggnog with a special ingredient in the recipe that makes it not only incredibly delicious, but addicting. Like a drug. Like, you have to have it and maybe you’ll kill half the people at this party to get it.

[Thomas]
So sugar is the secret ingredient we’re talking about, right?

[Shep]
Yes. Or butter.

[Emily]
Yeah, it’s always butter.

[Thomas]
Fat.

[Emily]
Bacon.

[Shep]
Yes. Oh, man.

[Thomas]
Just cream, just.

[Shep]
Bacon fat eggnog. That’s it for me.

[Thomas]
So I had a similar one where basically somebody makes homemade eggnog for their family for like a Christmas get together and ends up accidentally giving everybody food poisoning. So sort of similar in that respect.

[Emily]
Imagine it’s very National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation style movie.

[Shep]
As long as it’s not National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2 style movie.

[Emily]
They made a sequel to that?

[Shep]
We don’t talk about it.

[Emily]
Wow, I’m glad I don’t know anything about that.

[Thomas]
My other idea is that the main character is at a holiday party where there is a bowl of eggnog. He comments, “I love eggnog. I can drink this stuff every day.” And one of his friends goes, “I’ll take that bet.” And basically just bets him that he would not drink eggnog every single day for a year.

[Shep]
And he also has to wear a paper bag over his head.

[Thomas]
So they come to the terms of the bet and he starts drinking eggnog every single day. And eventually he starts putting on some weight and his hair starts to turn white and his cheeks get rosier. And one night he’s visited by a Santa Claus. Not the Santa Claus, because it turns out there are many Santas.

[Emily]
That makes sense.

[Thomas]
After all it’s silly to think that just one person is delivering gifts to every home in the world. So how did this happen? Well, there’s something magical about eggnog that if you drink enough of it, causes you to become a Santa Claus.

[Shep]
I love it. I’d just like to change six things about it.

[Thomas]
Sure.

[Shep]
One, it shouldn’t be a bet. It should be he’s at the grocery store and for some reason cartons of eggnog, which are normally $5, are $0.50 because they ordered too many or whatever, the store did. And he loves eggnog.

[Thomas]
He’s like, “Can you freeze eggnog? Will it be fine? That seems like you can do that, right?”

[Shep]
Right?

[Thomas]
“What the heck? It’s cheap enough. We’ll try it.”

[Shep]
So he buys basically a carload of eggnog because it’s so ridiculously cheap. He’d be a fool to pass up this deal.

[Thomas]
I’m feeling very called out right now.

[Shep]
See, this is based on a real thing that happened to me. It’s why I’m talking about it.

[Emily]
Do you have a fridge full of eggnog at your house? Do I need to send somebody?

[Thomas]
He has a freezer full of eggnog. He just gets one out.

[Shep]
Every week. So yeah, it’s not a bet because then someone’s paying attention to him and noticing, “Hey, your hair is turning white, you’re gaining weight. Let’s call off the bet for your health.” No.

[Thomas]
Oh, it could be the beginning of the pandemic. And like, eggnog sales have plummeted because it’s not one of the things that people need, right? It’s like pasta is gone, flour is gone. Eggnog? Fucking tons of eggnog. And so they’ve got it ridiculously discounted. And he’s like, “Great,” and he buys it all. But then that’s why nobody notices these changes because he’s isolating. He’s home alone for a year.

[Shep]
Also, let’s make him Jewish, because why not?

[Emily]
“I can’t be Santa. I’m a Jew.”

[Shep]
So he says, “Happy Holidays.” I do like this idea quite a lot.

[Emily]
It is a cute idea.

[Shep]
I just like the idea of a guy of someone turning more jolly and bringing more joy into the world. I like that as a premise very much. I don’t think that it should be all eggnog. I think it should be special eggnog that when they need new Santas, they put out. That’s why it was so cheap, because they put out a whole bunch of it at the time. And so it’s not like anybody can just go and drink enough eggnog and turn into Santa. It’s when they need a Santa, he will appear.

[Emily]
That’s a good idea.

[Thomas]
Now, is it that he drinks enough eggnog or is it something like ‘he’s pure of heart and drinks the eggnog’?

[Emily]
I mean, only someone pure of heart would drink that much eggnog.

[Thomas]
His heart is not very pure after all that eggnog and it’s pretty clogged up.

[Shep]
As is tradition.

[Thomas]
Anyway, those are my ideas. Emily, what do you have for us?

[Emily]
All right, you guys are going to be in for a wild ride with mine.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Emily]
A group of strangers are invited to a party at a fancy new bed and breakfast. The couples are excited, but become increasingly suspicious as they find out each couple was invited by the owner, whom no one has ever met. Slowly they die off one by one. Turns out the owner invited all her ex-lovers to a weekend to get away so she could murder them all with poisoned eggnog.

[Shep]
We all had poison eggnog. What does that say about us?

[Thomas]
The stories in the news about poisoned eggnog are all made up. It’s a myth.

[Emily]
Yeah, just keeps on spreading.

[Thomas]
There’s a whole Snopes article about it.

[Emily]
Pitch number two. A young couple are stranded on the side of the road when their car breaks down on Christmas Eve. A little old lady arrives to rescue them. She takes them back to her farm and drugs them with eggnog and proceeds to torture them for fun.

[Shep]
That took a turn. I thought this was going to be Mrs. Claus or something.

[Emily]
Yeah, that’s what I want you to think.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
And then my final one because I can’t just give you two murder movies.

[Shep]
You can give us three.

[Emily]
No, actually, this one’s very similar to Thomas’s second one. Eggnog is replaced with the milk of human kindness at a company Christmas party. And the CEO becomes a Santa-like figure in his town.

[Shep]
What is the milk of human kindness?

[Thomas]
Sounds pretty dirty to me.

[Shep]
Yeah, like someone spiked this eggnog and got fired for it. HR escorted them from the building and the police were waiting for them outside.

[Thomas]
“Oh, man. What did he put in it?” “Let’s just say it was the ‘milk of human kindness’.”

[Emily]
THC doesn’t spread to breast milk. I’m telling you.

[Shep]
Breastmilk wasn’t where I was going.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
No. The milk of human kindness from A Christmas Carol. You know the famous Dickens story? It’s what the Ghost of Christmas Present gives Scrooge to make him less of an asshole when he’s doing his bit on the second night. I was thinking, because we all seemed to really like the Santa Claus one with the guy becomes Santa Claus, and it could be the special ingredient that they release in that particular-

[Thomas]
Poison.

[Emily]
Yup. I was going with poison.

[Shep]
Right, 50 people die, but one of them turns into a Santa.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
And that’s how they know he’s the chosen one.

[Shep]
Right. The Santa one is The Santa Clause, basically.

[Thomas]
It is, yeah.

[Emily]
And that’s a good movie.

[Thomas]
They made like three or four of them, didn’t they?

[Emily]
They mean three and they’re coming out with the fourth one this year.

[Thomas]
Does that have Tim Allen in it?

[Emily]
Yes. Oh no.

[Thomas]
Oh, no. Okay. It sounds like we all like The Santa Clause one.

[Shep]
It’s a limited series, it’s not a movie.

[Emily]
Oh.

[Shep]
The Santa Clauses. More than one Santa. They’re going to steal our idea before we come up with it.

[Emily]
Damn it.

[Thomas]
We’ll quit looking at it and-

[Emily]
We’ll do it better. We always do.

[Thomas]
Odds are. So that’s what we’re going with? Great. So I like what you’re saying, Shep, about the Santa Clauses put out a special eggnog and sure, it can have the milk of human kindness in it. If that’s like a Christmas tropey thing, then great, throw it in there. It can be a thing that gets mentioned later because they’ll have to explain it to the guy and they go, “Oh, it has the milk of human kindness,” and he can even make it- He’s like, “That sounds really gross. What the hell?” They’re like “From A Christmas Carol?” Yeah, it’s like a limited thing that they put out. Yeah, that’d be better. It’s a limited edition thing. And he’s like, “Oh, I really love eggnog, and this is special eggnog.” So he gets it. Why does only he turn, or does he not? Maybe there’s like a dozen new Santa Clauses.

[Emily]
Yeah. They could have a bunch. And then we could go to see where the Santa Clauses live. And there could be like board meetings and corporate trainings and HR.

[Thomas]
Right there’s like an onboarding process.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Or you have a bunch of people that turn into Santa Claus candidates.

[Thomas]
There you go.

[Emily]
They got to go through Santa boot camp.

[Thomas]
Santa Boot Camp. That’s what it’s called.

[Shep]
They get taken up to the North Pole for the reindeer games.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Only if Ben Affleck is one of them.

[Thomas]
I’d say call it Reindeer Games, but yeah.

[Emily]
I think we’re just going to call it Reindeer Games and make him do it.

[Thomas]
That actually would be very funny. You’re like “Reindeer Games? Which one?” “The one with Ben Affleck.”

[Shep]
“Which one?”

[Emily]
“The Christmas one.”

[Thomas]
“You’re not narrowing it down.”

[Shep]
Yeah. How old is Ben Affleck now?

[Emily]
He’s in his fifties, I think.

[Shep]
Yeah, very barely.

[Emily]
I feel like he’d be willing to do that. Make that joke.

[Shep]
There are a bunch of jokes about him in the Askewniverse, so he seems to have a good sense of self-humor and he’s getting old enough.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So yeah. Let’s picture Ben Affleck as one of the sant- the main character.

[Thomas]
So is he kind of a Scroogey character? Like, he’s a bit of a grouch?

[Shep]
Yeah, that’s why he bought all the cheap eggnog.

[Emily]
I was going to say he’s extra greedy. That’s definitely a Grinchy thing.

[Thomas]
And so obviously his story arc goes from being a Scrooge to being a Santa.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Thomas]
Ooh. I like the idea that that’s the point of the Santa tryouts, is they find the person who’s the hardest case, and that’s the one they want. And so you have people who are, like, super pumped. They’re jacked. “Oh, I love Christmas. This is great. I love kids. Kids are awesome. I’m super excited for this.” And they’re like “You’re out.” And they’re like, “What?”

[Shep]
Yeah, they don’t need them. They’re already good people.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
They need to stay in the world as good people.

[Shep]
Right. You need to take a bad person and turn them good. That’s how you do the most good overall.

[Emily]
And they make the best Santas.

[Shep]
Bad people? Bad Santas?

[Emily]
I just meant in that Santa universe they end up usually being- like the main Santa, who’s the head of the Santa Committee or whatever, could have a story similar where he was a total dick and now he’s Santa.

[Thomas]
I like the idea that there is a canonical Santa Claus who’s the head of the whole thing, and so at some point they’re like, “Oh, Santa’s coming.”

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
And he’s like, the Ben Affleck character is like, “Yeah, okay, great.” And they’re like, “No no no. Santa is coming. The Santa.”

[Shep]
“Can you not hear our inflection?”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
“Santa. Not Santa. Santa.”

[Thomas]
So are we just going to call this character Ben to make it easy?

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Sure.

[Emily]
We’re going to call him Ben.

[Thomas]
Because we can’t keep calling him Santa. That’s going to get confusing enough.

[Shep]
Yeah. Did you say Santa or Santa?

[Thomas]
I think it would be very funny if there are two Santas that work there that are already employed and they’re talking about other Santas. There’s that Monty Python sketch about the philosophers, and they’re all named Bruce. “Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.” “Is your name not Bruce?” “No, it’s Michael” Well that’s going to get very confusing.” “Mind if we call you ‘Bruce’?” But I like that idea of the Santa’s are talking about “Oh, my God. Do you hear what Santa said?” “Oh, Santa.” And so like, they know who they’re talking about because they have the Santa magic.

[Emily]
Right. “Did you see what Santa was wearing yesterday?” “Oh my God. Like that Santa could pull off those boots. He is insane.”

[Shep]
That’s good. You set that up early so that at the end, when you’re having the lowest low, he’s quit the Santa Corps. He’s been kicked out of the Santa Corps or whatever. No, he should have quit because he didn’t think that it was working. He’s not that guy, and he can’t change.

[Emily]
Yeah. He’s got to quit.

[Shep]
Right. But someone’s talking about Santa’s or whatever, and he knows who they’re talking about.

[Thomas]
Oh yeah.

[Shep]
It has started to click for him, and that’s when he realizes, “Oh, I do have it.”

[Thomas]
What are the stakes for Ben?

[Emily]
Well, he has to have nothing at home because he has to be able to leave all of that behind, right?

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
So he’s got no pets, no girlfriends, no children, no family to speak of.

[Shep]
That’s why he’s not into Christmas. He’s got nobody to celebrate it with.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
He gives zero shits about it.

[Thomas]
Does he have a tragic Christmas backstory or is it just another family-centered holiday?

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
And he and his wife got divorced a decade ago and never had kids, and he hasn’t met anyone.

[Shep]
On Christmas. That’s what he got for Christmas: divorce papers.

[Thomas]
Do we want to make it a traumatic Christmas event or just Christmas is-

[Emily]
It was a joke. But do we want to make him like Jewish or something non-Christian so that he’s really not-

[Shep]
I guess it’s difficult. If you put religion in movies, you’re going to alienate part of your audience.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
This is true.

[Shep]
So for the sake of money, let’s not.

[Emily]
For the sake of money, it’s secular Christmas.

[Shep]
Yes. As his tradition. So he’s just not into Christmas at all. Like, most of the company is taking Christmas off. The whole week of Christmas. He’s working that week alone in the office.

[Emily]
But he’s not resentful of it. He’s actually looking forward to it because everyone’s going to be gone and it’s going to be quiet.

[Thomas]
Right, finally.

[Emily]
And he can listen to non-Christmas music.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s right. So does he buy the eggnog or is he chosen? Does he go to the break room and open the fridge and there’s an unopened carton of eggnog sitting in the fridge and he’s like, “Hmm.”

[Emily]
No, he buys the eggnog.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Emily]
It’s the only thing about Christmas he likes.

[Thomas]
Oh, that’s good. I like that.

[Emily]
And his cubicle is all decorated with like Grinches.

[Thomas]
I think just nothing. He doesn’t participate.

[Shep]
Now. I think other people put the Grinches up.

[Emily]
No, I think other people put the Grinches up there.

[Shep]
I got it.

[Thomas]
There’s an ugly sweater contest at work, and he’s just wearing a solid brown sweater, and he’s like, “Brown’s an ugly color.”

[Emily]
He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

[Shep]
Yes, yes, 100%.

[Emily]
Like he has a sense of humor about being a dick about Christmas.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Okay. So I like that he was chosen specifically because he’s such an asshole. They know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice and who’s been nothing. And he’s been nothing.

[Thomas]
So do we show that? He goes to the store, he sees the eggnog. He’s like, “Oh boy, eggnog.” And then some elf agents, cause- Ah! There arose such a clatter that it distracts him. It distracts him for a moment. He looks away from the eggnog, and we see a hand pull one back into the cooler and put a different carton forward.

[Shep]
Ooh.

[Thomas]
Like a white gloved hand.

[Shep]
That’s really good.

[Emily]
I’m sold.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Shep]
So, yeah, he was specifically chosen. So he takes the eggnog with them. How quick is the transformation? Because you can have it be very quick. Since he’s in the office alone, he can transform there.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Maybe he brings the eggnog with- He gets it on his way to work. So he puts it in the fridge, and then it’s his lunch break or whatever, and he goes, “Oh boy.” And he just starts drinking it right from the carton or something. And then, I don’t know. Does he sit down at his desk? Does he have a mirror at his desk for some reason? Or does-

[Shep]
He has a mirror to see the entranceway to his cubicle or his office, because that’s what you do if you’re working at a computer and you have headphones on when you work.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah, that’s good.

[Shep]
That’s a common thing.

[Thomas]
And so we can establish that right away where he looks at- he checks the mirror, and he turns around. So then he catches his reflection in the mirror, and he’s like, “What the hell?” He sees he’s starting to grow a beard. And his hairs- He can maybe see his hair actively turning white. He runs into the bathroom, and you get the final full picture, and he’s like, chubbier than he was. His cheeks are starting to get kind of rosy. He’s growing a beard.

[Shep]
He calls 911. “What’s the nature of your emergency?” “I’m getting fat!”

[Emily]
“How much have you had to drink today, sir?” “I’ve been drinking eggnog.” “Was there rum in it?”

[Shep]
Probably a little. I’m just saying.

[Emily]
I mean, he is alone in the office.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
He’s got that little bottle of rum in his desk.

[Thomas]
Yeah, perfect. Okay, so that would make it very immediate then. So he pours some eggnog into a glass, brings it back to his desk, gets a little bottle of rum, pours it in there, drinks it, catches himself in the mirror because he sees a flash of white. He’s like, “What the?” Brushing at his hair with his fingers like, “What is that in my hair?” And it’s just getting more and more white. And he sees the beard starting to grow. He’s like, “What the hell?” And he runs to the bathroom.

[Shep]
Yeah, he thinks something spilled on him or something at first.

[Thomas]
Right. Yeah.

[Shep]
He doesn’t know what it is. Does he comment on the taste of the eggnog? It’s got to have some kick or some something that’s unusual. This is his first-

[Thomas]
Is it particularly good?

[Emily]
Oh yeah. It’s going to be better than regular eggnog. So it’s going to taste yummy. It’s going to be sweeter. It’s going to be creamier. It’s going to be like what everyone in the world imagines eggnog to taste like.

[Shep]
Maybe it’s addictive.

[Emily]
You just can’t stop.

[Shep]
It’s so good that he finishes the glass right away, and he goes back to the kitchenette and takes the carton out and is, like, just downing it right there. And then afterwards he’s like, “What the hell? Why did I do that?” He can’t believe what he’s done. And then he goes back to his office, and the first thing he’s going to see is that mirror because it’s facing the door.

[Thomas]
Right. Yeah.

[Shep]
So that’s when he sees, oh, I’ve spilled it on my beard, and now my beard is turning white. So he’s trying to clean it off, but it’s spreading. And then his hair turns white. He’s like, “What the hell?” And then he panics and runs to the bathroom.

[Thomas]
Good.

[Shep]
He’s like, running the water and splashing on his face, and it’s just not helping. And he calls 911. And then they ask him if he’s been drinking, and he admits that he’s been drinking a little, and they chastise him for wasting 911 time. And then he passes out as the transformation continues.

[Thomas]
Does he pass out or does he, because of the transformation, or does he turns around and there’s a Santa Claus standing there in the office, and he passes out from fright?

[Emily]
From shock.

[Thomas]
I don’t know. Yeah.

[Shep]
The transformation completes he is full Santa right away. And he’s looking in the mirror in the bathroom at full Santa. And the bathroom door opens.

[Thomas]
The Hawaiian shirt buttons are straining to hold the shirt closed.

[Shep]
That’s great. So the door opens and there’s a Santa in the doorway, which he can see from the mirror again, mirrors all the way down. And then he turns around to be like, “What?” And then they gas him.

[Emily]
I like it. Yeah.

[Shep]
So he does not passing out.

[Thomas]
They club him with a big-

[Shep]
A big sack of toys.

[Emily]
They just wrap him in a sack of toys and take them away.

[Thomas]
Right. So they knock him out and take him to the North Pole, presumably.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So he wakes up in, like, a serene room. There’s quite gentle music playing. There’s someone there waiting for him.

[Thomas]
There’s like a Christmas muzak very lightly playing.

[Shep]
Which he does not like.

[Thomas]
Yeah. He hates everything about this.

[Shep]
Yes. Someone’s waiting for him. “You must have lots of questions. When you’re ready, come with me to orientation.”

[Emily]
And then you see a little bit of the operation. Are the people who work in the operation, are they the elves or are they other Santa’s?

[Shep]
A mix.

[Thomas]
I think both yeah.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
I think should be mostly Santas at first, and then he sees elves later, and that’s when it starts to become more real.

[Thomas]
Are they elves like in the movie Elf?

[Emily]
Like short?

[Thomas]
Yeah. Or are they just normal looking? They look like humans, maybe like a little short.

[Shep]
They have pointed ears, but they wear their hair long over it. We’d save on the movie budget.

[Thomas]
It would be very funny to have them be Tolkienian elves.

[Shep]
Yeah. Tall and slender. They also have white hair.

[Thomas]
Yeah. All right, let’s take a quick eggnog break, and when we come back, we’ll figure out what happens to Ben.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Break]

[Thomas]
All right, we’re back. Yum, yum, yum. Tasty eggnog. Love it. All right, so we have Ben. He’s arrived in the North Pole. He is a Santa Claus. Now what?

[Shep]
Santa Claus candidate. And he’s not the only one.

[Thomas]
Right. Santa Claus, candidate. You’re right.

[Emily]
Because he’s going to enter the Reindeer Games.

[Thomas]
That would be fantastic. Someone’s like welcome to the Reindeer Games. And then he just looks right at the camera.

[Emily]
Yes. I like it when you break the fourth wall in that way. I love it in campy Christmas movies. 100% down for it.

[Thomas]
Or all the other Santa candidates look at him and he just looks back, like “What?”

[Emily]
He is like, “Yeah, my favorite movie. What the fuck?”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Exactly like that. Are we going to see a series of events that they have them do? Like, do we eliminate a few through psychological testing? Like they talk about their childhood traumas or something. And some of them are like, “Oh my God, I love kids. They’re the best.” And they’re like, “Yeah, too much enthusiasm.”

[Thomas]
Do we do like the typical, the sort of stuff you see for all these things, like they’re doing the Rorschach test and physical challenges, like they’ve got to climb a chimney? I don’t know. But you know what I mean. We see, like, a montage of going through all these different stereotypical things that are always in movies.

[Shep]
So why would he be participating right away? Does he want to be a Santa?

[Thomas]
No, he’s not participating at all. He’s basically refusing to do these things. Are they all bad people, though? If he’s specifically been chosen, then surely they would choose all bad people, right? So how do they convince the people?

[Shep]
Or maybe they don’t all choose bad people. There’s different recruiters-

[Emily]
I was thinking that.

[Shep]
And they each have their own candidates.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
This is how you have your ensemble cast.

[Emily]
Because one has to look like an Australian fireman and never wear a shirt and just the suspenders and the pants. And everyone keeps asking his sponsor, why him? And he’s just like, “‘Cause he’s so pretty.”

[Thomas]
I like that they each have their own theories as to what makes a good Santa candidate.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
So who’s his sponsor? Who would it be funny to have?

[Shep]
It’s not just some other Santa?

[Thomas]
No, I mean the actor. What actor would be funny to play that role?

[Emily]
No, that’s stupid.

[Shep]
You got to say it anyway.

[Emily]
Matt Damon.

[Thomas]
“How do you like them oranges?” “Oranges?” “Traditional Christmas fruit.” I think Matt Damon should be one of the other candidates.

[Emily]
He should be the one that makes the fireman come. I really want there to be a topless Australian in this movie. I’m sorry, I’m objectifying men.

[Shep]
I have no objection to that. I just don’t know if he should be one of the main candidates that-

[Emily]
No, he’s one of the background ones that’s just always there.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
And they make that comment, “Why is he here? He’s stupid.” Or “He can’t do this.” And his sponsor is just like, “He’s just so pretty.”

[Shep]
Yeah. During the chimney climb, he just leaves the bag of toys behind.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
He’s very fast because he’s not encumbered.

[Emily]
So who would be a good actor sponsor for Santa Ben? All the ones that come to my mind are dead now.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Robin Williams.

[Emily]
Robert Loggia. Sylvester Stallone? Just way out there.

[Thomas]
That’s debatable.

[Emily]
It’s way out there.

[Shep]
It’s way out there. But does he do bit parts in movies?

[Emily]
I don’t know.

[Thomas]
Who plays Big Santa?

[Shep]
Big Santa?

[Thomas]
Like Santa Santa? Stephen Fry?

[Shep]
He does like to play big characters.

[Emily]
But do we want it to be a mass appeal kind of a guy or some one the three of us would really enjoy? Cause I don’t know that Stephen Fry is as well known outside of this circle.

[Shep]
I mean, it’s Stephen Fry.

[Emily]
I know, but a lot of people don’t know who he is.

[Shep]
I refuse to believe that.

[Thomas]
A lot of people are wrong.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
I agree. Michael Caine.

[Thomas]
I don’t think he has the warmth that Stephen Fry has.

[Shep]
Do we want warmth in the Santa Santa? Or do we want him to be like the main character-?

[Emily]
Well, Ed Asner is for sure dead, so he can’t do it.

[Shep]
Penn Jillette.

[Thomas]
He’s not fat anymore.

[Shep]
Well he can wear a fat suit. You can do that when you’re skinny. If we’re doing fat suit people. Tom Cruise.

[Emily]
George Clooney!

[Shep]
I do like George Clooney.

[Emily]
With his twinkle in his eye. I mean, who’s going to have the better twinkle in their eye?

[Shep]
Yeah. His eyes are 98% twinkle.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
It depends on do you want Santa to be this, larger than life, like he’s everything you’ve heard and more. In which case yeah, go with George Clooney because of the twinkling. But if you want him to be insane, then you go with Tom Cruise. He’s just like, it’s unhinged.

[Shep]
Yeah. He’s been Santa longer than anyone else. That’s why he’s Chief Santa.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
But he’s getting up there.

[Emily]
So with that in mind, George Clooney is 100% the main Santa. The Santa Santa. And his sponsor is Stephen Fry.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Would Stephen Fry pick…?

[Emily]
Yeah, he would.

[Thomas]
I could see Stephen Fry making a compelling argument for picking a bad person.

[Emily]
Yup, yup,

[Shep]
I can hear the whole speech in my head.

[Emily]
Yup.

[Thomas]
Yep. And the other Santas are like, “What are you doing? This guy, he’s never gonna make it.” He’s like, “Nehhh…”

[Shep]
I see the whole thing.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Who are the other recruiters?

[Thomas]
Other famous people, it’s got to be all celebrities.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
This is where you get a bunch of cameos.

[Emily]
Yeah. Morgan Freeman should be one of them. Or Samuel Jackson.

[Shep]
I would love Samuel L. Jackson to be one of the recruiters.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Okay. Who has he chosen? Like a twelve-year-old girl or something? Like-

[Shep]
No, the topless Australian guy.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
He’s the one that’s like “He’s just so pretty.”

[Thomas]
That would be very funny.

[Emily]
At first I was thinking like Sean Hayes and I was like, that’s too stereotypical. But it would be funnier if it was Samuel L. Jackson.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Thomas]
I think one of the other recruits should be Sean Williams Scott.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Thomas]
And he is just, like, fucking pumped to be there.

[Emily]
He is the enthusiastic one.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
He is just jacked on Christmas.

[Thomas]
Every time there’s some new challenge, he’s like, “Yeah, let’s go.” He’s doing all this stuff. Oh, my God. The credits would be amazing. It would just be like, Santa, Santa, Santa. Santa. Santa. Santa. Santa.

[Shep]
Well, now we have to make this movie just for that.

[Emily]
Oh my God.

[Shep]
Who’s the actor that played the captain on Brooklyn Nine-Nine?

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah.

[Emily]
Oh, Andre Braugher.

[Shep]
Yeah, yeah.

[Thomas]
Andre Braugher.

[Shep]
He should definitely be one of the Santas.

[Emily]
I love him.

[Thomas]
Should he? Or should he be like, the HR Santa?

[Emily]
He could be the Santa Santa and we can make George Clooney the HR Santa and they can make a joke about how he’s got all this twinkle in his eye and he’s like, nobody compares to the big guy. And then it’s Andre Braugher.

[Shep]
George Clooney can’t be Santa Santa because he’s got too much twinkle in his eye.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
He has to wear prescriptive lenses.

[Thomas]
He’s always wearing sunglasses.

[Shep]
Wonderful.

[Thomas]
They won’t let him join in the reindeer games because of the twinkle.

[Emily]
No.

[Shep]
Yes. It’s a thing. “That’s protocol.”

[Emily]
“It’s distracting to the other contestants.”

[Shep]
“It’s too shiny.”

[Emily]
“It’s an unfair advantage.”

[Thomas]
I feel like we need to get Brendan Fraser as Santa Santa.

[Shep]
Oh, yes.

[Emily]
Winner.

[Shep]
That’s the winner.

[Emily]
That’s the winner.

[Shep]
Everyone else can be a cameo.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
Brendan Fraser as Santa Santa. I am 110% on board.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Shep]
I need to give back 10% because I have, I’m more than 100% on board.

[Thomas]
So at some point, Ben has to- he needs that the rallying speech, right, from Santa Santa.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
Does he need the rallying speech, or does Santa Santa just assure him that everyone goes where they’re meant to be? He’s telling him this as he’s leaving. He came in to resign, to give up his bid to be a Santa, and he’s turning in his notice to Santa Santa, who then assures him that he understands and it’s okay, and everybody ends up where they’re supposed to be.

[Thomas]
So I think that the recruits aren’t competing against each other. It’s just training. They’ve all been selected.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
These are people who are going to become Santas. And so when he gets however far through the training and he’s like, “Look, man, this isn’t for me. I quit. Send me back.” And Stephen Fry is like, “Well, you got to go tell the big guy yourself. Those are the rules.”

[Shep]
The big guy.

[Thomas]
Is it a big office or is it a modest office?

[Emily]
It’s modest.

[Shep]
The tiny office.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s good.

[Emily]
Because he’s never there anyway. What does he need a big office for?

[Shep]
Right? His secretary’s got a giant office.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Like, the entryway to his office is giant, and then you go into the doors, and it’s just tiny.

[Emily]
I like that.

[Thomas]
I like that. So do we never see him until that moment? That’s the first time we see San-

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
It’s the only time we see Santa Santa until the end of the film or till, like, later?

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Till graduation? Whenever?

[Shep]
No, he passes by at one point earlier, because they talk about Santa Santa coming.

[Emily]
But we don’t get a really good look at him.

[Shep]
We don’t see him.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
We see him, like, from the neck down.

[Thomas]
And everyone just agog that he’s there.

[Shep]
Everyone’s snapping to attention and zipping off on every order.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s good.

[Emily]
So Santa Santa says that to him, and Santa Ben is like, “Okay, I’m going home.”

[Thomas]
What is it that turns him around? That’s what we need to figure out. I think I like the idea that he understands who different Santa’s are talking about.

[Emily]
Right. I do enjoy that. Does he go home and figure it out, or does he figure it out there?

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah. I think he goes home.

[Shep]
Yeah, he’s got to go home because there’s got to be Santas out in the world that he doesn’t realize are Santas and not just people dressed up in Santa costumes.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
So he went under enough training to kind of spot them.

[Thomas]
Does Santa Santa give him anything?

[Shep]
Oh, he’s got to give him a gift.

[Emily]
Some kind of them-

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
He is Santa Santa.

[Thomas]
He gives him, like, something in a box that’s wrapped up. It’s a present and everything. Does he say, “Oh, I shouldn’t open this till Christmas?” And he goes, “Open it when you’re ready.”

[Shep]
“It’s a gift. It’s for you. It’s yours.”

[Thomas]
He doesn’t address when to open it, but he just says “It’s a gift.”

[Shep]
That’s good, because it could be a Christmas gift. Obviously. You open it only on Christmas.

[Thomas]
Right. Or like it’s just a fucking snow globe, man,

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Whatever it is. So is it a thing that allows him to travel back? Is it a thing that has significance?

[Shep]
I thought it would be a thing that he could use. Like, he sees a homeless guy at the beginning of the movie panhandling by the office, and he ignores him. But then later he realizes this was a Santa candidate. He was a former Santa, and what happened to him? And it’s like, oh, he ended up on the streets because he gave everything away. He just loves the world so much. I don’t know, but maybe it’s something that could help him or something that that guy needed. So not something that he needed, but something that he needed to give away. I don’t think that he should know how to get back there once he goes back.

[Thomas]
Right. That’s the third act, isn’t it? It’s him trying to get back and become a Santa and realizing that this is what he wants?

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Or at least the latter part of it.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Is the lowest low when he goes home?

[Shep]
Is the lowest low when he goes home because he wanted to go home?

[Thomas]
Or is that just the mid-second-act turning point?

[Emily]
I think that’s just the mid-second-act turning point.

[Thomas]
Does he start examining his life about how he’s alone and, “Jesus, I’m in the office on Christmas.”

[Shep]
Jesus, I’m in the office? I think that he should get more and more dis- He thought that he wanted to go back to his boring office job because that’s what he was comfortable with. He didn’t like new things, and this would be a very new thing. And he’s not cutting it in training. And he can’t do the Santa things. Like, they can do miracles and shit.

[Emily]
They can read minds.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
They know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

[Thomas]
They’re all learning how to go down the chimney with Santa magic with the whole bag of presents.

[Shep]
Right. He gets stuck every time because the chimney is too small for a human to fit through.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
It’s impossible. You’re asking the impossible. So, yeah. So he starts to know who’s been naughty and nice at the office.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
He know who’s been stealing from the petty cash. He knows someone’s been taking money from the petty cash.

[Emily]
He knows who’s having an affair in the office.

[Shep]
He knows who’s having an affair. He knows everything. He starts to get that vibe.

[Thomas]
He knows all of the family friendly things that he can determine at the office.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Thomas]
Who’s been taking office supplies home.

[Shep]
But one of them was taking office supplies home to give to her sister, who is a teacher and needed them for her classroom. So here’s a real stealing a loaf of bread thing.

[Emily]
He shows her where the good EXPO markers are.

[Thomas]
That’s not bad, actually. He has, like, a stash of something that he’s squirreled away.

[Shep]
For a rainy day in case he needed it.

[Thomas]
Yeah, right.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And then he feels like this is the time.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And then he feels that joy of giving presents to people in need.

[Thomas]
Not only that, but because he knows about her sister being a teacher and struggling, she’s like, “Oh, my God, you obviously have paid so much attention and you really care.” And so he’s like, “Oh, this feels really good. What is happening in my chest? This warm expanding. I think I’m having a heart attack.”

[Shep]
He calls 911 again.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
“I think my heart grew three sizes.” I was thinking it would be funny if there was a scene where he’s in the lunchroom or making copies and he starts humming Christmas music. Just absent mindedly.

[Shep]
Because they have the music playing.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Because everyone’s back in the office now.

[Emily]
And he’s just like, (humming “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)

[Shep]
Yep. So does he still look like Santa? Because if he does, his coworkers are going to-

[Emily]
No, he wouldn’t, because that’s part of the deal of him going back.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
He has to give up Santahood-

[Shep]
So if he gives up Santahood, how does he still have Santa powers? I guess that’s what I’m asking.

[Thomas]
That’s a good question.

[Shep]
What if he just dyes his hair and his beard-

[Emily]
And shaves his beard.

[Shep]
Or shaved his beard off? Yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
He’s still four times the size he used to be, though.

[Shep]
Well, he’s still chubby, but they haven’t seen him for a while because everyone else is on Christmas break and it’s the holidays. Everybody gains weight during the holidays.

[Thomas]
Does this happen after Christmas?

[Emily]
This has to happen in the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So people are just sporadically there.

[Thomas]
Right. Oh, eggnog finally comes on sale for the first time of the year. He’s super excited.

[Shep]
Right. It’s the one thing he likes about the holidays.

[Thomas]
The one thing he likes.

[Shep]
So they’re doing this in preparation for Christmas, which is coming up.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
So this is pre-Thanksgiving. And so now he’s come back and everybody was gone for Thanksgiving and they’re coming back into the office.

[Shep]
Right. That also can explain why he was gone for a few days, because it was Thanksgiving time.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
So he’s chubby and everyone’s like, “Man, you must have had a really good Thanksgiving.”

[Emily]
He’s like “It’s inflammation. I’m allergic to turkey.”

[Shep]
So I think they tell him when he quits, like, “Given time, you’ll go back to the way you were.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
It’s not immediate.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
And that puts a time pressure on him.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
Now he has to get back to the North Pole before his powers completely fade away and he loses this opportunity forever.

[Thomas]
I like that. So what turns him? Is it a slow progression?

[Shep]
He’s got to be able to do a miracle.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
He’s got to be able to do a miracle.

[Thomas]
He needs to convince himself. So yeah.

[Shep]
Yes. So what is the miracle that he can do?

[Thomas]
What are the miracles that Santa can do? There’s the chimney thing, obviously.

[Shep]
The chimney thing. There’s procuring or providing presents. I don’t imagine there’s workshops of enslaved elves making wooden toys anymore.

[Emily]
Yeah. Times have changed.

[Shep]
So that’s got to be some sort of magical thing.

[Thomas]
But that feels like a logistics thing that the North Pole would be handling. There’s just like a warehouse somewhere that they fill with toys, and then they hand out magical bags that reach into mallet space and-

[Emily]
But sometimes the present Santa gives you in these kind of movies is not like a material gift.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
It’s reuniting you with, like, a loved one or bringing the family back together. The puppy dog came home. Aunt Claire woke up from her coma.

[Shep]
These are all real dark situations.

[Emily]
Do I only watch dark Christmas movies?

[Shep]
Well, this is a tough question.

[Thomas]
Yeah. But it’s also, I think, the most important question.

[Shep]
Yes. The whole movie is building to this.

[Thomas]
Yeah. So this had better be- there’s a problem for the writers, right?

[Emily]
I mean, does he get an orphan a home? Does he bring the cat back?

[Thomas]
Does he buy the biggest goose that’s hanging in the butcher’s window? “You there? What day is it?” “Like December 3rd.” “Really? That early? Okay, I guess I have some time then.”

[Emily]
Does he resurrect the dead children of a sobbing mother? Real movie. One of my favorites, in fact.

[Thomas]
Does he help a child buy his mom some Christmas shoes?

[Shep]
So Patton Oswalt’s got to be in here as an elf.

[Thomas]
Oh, for sure. He’s like the coordinator for the Reindeer Games.

[Shep]
Yeah, he’s the MC.

[Thomas]
Is the miracle like… something’s not going to be delivered in time? Something’s not going to happen. Some big thing that’s going to benefit the orphans or whatever. And he has some way of removing that roadblock.

[Emily]
The town’s Christmas tree is stuck.

[Shep]
Not the town’s Christmas tree because he’s not into Christmas. He works at a lawyer’s office. Maybe he’s a paralegal or something. And some important paperwork for some court case with orphans or whatever is not delivered. The courier was in a bicycle accident because it’s icy roads or whatever and they need someone to just take this across town. “You have five minutes to get to the courthouse” or whatever.

[Thomas]
Oh, he has to drop off copies in a whole bunch of different places in an impossibly short period of time.

[Shep]
Oh, yes!

[Emily]
Yeah, there we go. We got it.

[Shep]
That’s the winner.

[Emily]
Doors are locked.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
He has to enter through the chimney on one location.

[Thomas]
The last one. Of course.

[Emily]
Yes. That actually works really well.

[Shep]
Yeah, that’s really good.

[Thomas]
He’s like, “I think I can do it.” “You have like ten minutes.”

[Shep]
No. He doesn’t convince them that he can do it. They tell him, his boss tells him, “Look, get it done.”

[Thomas]
And of course the traffic is at a standstill because of a big wreck because it’s all icy. And-

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So how does he travel without a sleigh and reindeer? The other Santas, they don’t get reindeer. Santa Santa has reindeer. “Look, there’s just the eight and there’s hundreds of you guys. So-“

[Emily]
The reindeer really just for show. It’s actually-

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Right. They’re mascots.

[Shep]
It’s actually Santa magic.

[Emily]
Transportation magic.

[Shep]
Yes. He glides on the wind or whatever. Like Jack Frost.

[Thomas]
Does time slow down for him? Does he able to open a door and it pops out somewhere else than where it would normally go?

[Emily]
I like that one.

[Thomas]
It’s a pretty common one.

[Shep]
I like the time slowing down one. The opening a doorway to wherever. I mean that solves too many problems.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Now you don’t have locked doors to a building. You just open a door inside the building.

[Thomas]
That’s true.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
But time slowing down, that’s it. Because then you can travel infinite distance. It doesn’t matter. Time slows down for you.

[Thomas]
And then you have a really great shot where he comes outside and somehow he makes time slow down and you got like the snowflakes stopping in the air. So you have this really clear representation of whether time is moving or not. Because either the snowflakes are falling or they’re not. And so you can get a good visual of how he has frozen time.

[Shep]
Does he realize it right away or is he just running on the sidewalk.

[Thomas]
I think he’s got to just be running. It’s just a thing he does.

[Emily]
Yeah. It’s just the thing that happens.

[Shep]
Which they keep trying to convince him of. “Don’t try to force it.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
“It’s just a thing that you do.”

[Thomas]
Okay. I like that, that he just freezes time or slows it down without him realizing it. Does he see another Santa booking it somewhere?

[Shep]
Maybe, but not right away.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
I think at first he’s not paying attention, and then he sees a couple of people just kind of standing around and it looks like they’re just loitering.

[Thomas]
Or maybe he’s running down the sidewalk, and he’s shouting at some people to move, and they don’t move, and he’s got to run around them.

[Shep]
Fucking New Yorkers.

[Thomas]
He’s like, “What the hell?”

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Don’t even look at him. They’re just standing there.

[Shep]
Oh. He’s got to not even realize when he gets to the first place he delivers the paperwork to, he goes to drop it off.

[Thomas]
He looks to see how much time he has.

[Shep]
He looks to see how much time he has and goes, “Oh, that’s great.” But he’s like, “Oh, their clocks must be slow.”

[Thomas]
Yeah, maybe he makes the comment. He’s like “Your clock’s running behind,” or something like that.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
And then it’s the next office. It’s the same thing. And he’s like, “That’s weird.” Does he bump into someone and they don’t fall over? He sees birds that are mid-takeoff.

[Shep]
Pigeons.

[Thomas]
Yes, of course.

[Emily]
McCauley Culkin standing in the background somewhere.

[Thomas]
He’s got to be there somewhere. What does he do?

[Shep]
He designs the reindeer games, all the traps and stuff.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yes.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Shep]
I’m just picturing him in a booth with a headset and everything, with a bunch of monitors as like, “Here we go.” And starts them all running through the gantlet.

[Thomas]
Okay, so what’s the end? How does he make it back? He now believes, he realizes he has the powers.

[Shep]
And it feels good to do good.

[Thomas]
Right. Does he continue after he files the paperwork? Does he continue running around doing good things like, “Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, this feels great.”

[Shep]
Yes. And he gets jollier and jollier, the more joy he’s bringing.

[Thomas]
So does the process start to reverse back to him becoming a Santa?

[Shep]
How is it reversing?

[Thomas]
Well, because Santa Santa told him, give it a few days and you’ll be back to normal.

[Shep]
Oh, I was thinking months that it would take a long time.

[Thomas]
Well, it was so fast to come on.

[Shep]
You’re right. It would make sense that by Christmas time, you’ll be back to normal. So, yeah, it starts to revert.

[Thomas]
So how does he make it back? Is that just a property that Santa’s have, they can somehow get back? Oh, no. That’s where he runs into another Santa. He’s running around, and then he has the Santa recognition thing.

[Shep]
Right? The Santa-dar.

[Thomas]
Right. And so he finds another Santa who tells him how to get back?

[Shep]
Or, no, here’s where you get your lowest low. That Santa tells him, “You made your choice.”

[Emily]
Right. This is where you are now.

[Shep]
It doesn’t answer the question of how he does get back. Although if he can just freeze time and travel an infinite distance-

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
He can literally just walk back to the North Pole, run back. Lightly jog.

[Emily]
Well, maybe that’s what he does.

[Shep]
Maybe that is what he does. Although he doesn’t know how he got there. He was unconscious.

[Thomas]
Did they knock him out or blindfold him on the way back or something? I guess they wouldn’t want him to know if he’s not going to be a Santa.

[Emily]
Would the gift Santa gave him be-

[Thomas]
Well, that’s what I was thinking back when I said that. He’s ready for it now.

[Shep]
So what is the gift?

[Thomas]
Is it intangible?

[Shep]
He opens it up. It’s just an empty box.

[Thomas]
He’s like, “What?”

[Shep]
“Fucking Santa.”

[Emily]
It’s a light and it sucks him back into the North Pole.

[Thomas]
Well, that’s what I say. It’s an empty box. And he’s like, “What?” And he’s like, super confused. And then there’s a knock on the door and he answers it.

[Shep]
Oh, it’s knockout gas. He opens it.

[Thomas]
I was going to say it’s a knock at the door. And then he answers the door and it’s Stephen Fry there to pick him up.

[Emily]
With knockout gas.

[Thomas]
So they take him back and take him to see Santa Santa. He’s like, “Yeah, I knew.”

[Emily]
He’s like “It’s that easy? I just come back?” “I knew all along.”

[Shep]
Is it that easy to just come back?

[Emily]
Yes.

[Shep]
Kind of lowers the stakes.

[Emily]
He didn’t know it was that easy till the end. This is a family Christmas movie.

[Shep]
How are we going to do five sequels if it’s this easy?

[Thomas]
He wants to come back. He’s got to make his case to Santa Santa, who tells him, “Well, you haven’t graduated from training.” And so everyone is there watching him alone run the course. And the last thing is the chimney.

[Shep]
He’s got to set a record time. It’s like it’s almost Christmas Day and you haven’t finished the course. And he’s been practicing. He’s been doing his miracles. That’s what he was doing to bring joy to people.

[Thomas]
But he’s never done the chimney successfully.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
That’s the final wall.

[Thomas]
Right. So as he’s standing at the top of the chimney, everyone in the Santa office is watching him. He looks over at Santa Santa, who just holds up a present box like the one he gave him. And that’s all he needs. He’s like, “Oh, right.”

[Emily]
No, I don’t like that.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Shep]
I want him to jump into the chimney with full confidence and not go down. He gets stuck immediately, and Stephen Fry, his sponsor, is there at the bottom and is trying to shout out to him. And he can’t hear him. He’s like, “What? What?” And then he goes down. He’s like, “What are you saying? I can’t hear you,” because he’s not thinking about going down.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
“I was saying, just relax. It will come naturally.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
“Don’t think about it too hard.”

[Shep]
“Don’t overthink it.”

[Emily]
I like that.

[Thomas]
Yeah, I like that.

[Emily]
So everybody cheers. They all drink hot cocoa and then they go and deliver the presents.

[Thomas]
Eggnog. They’ll drink eggnog.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Eggnog. Yes, eggnog.

[Shep]
That’s the name of the episode!

[Thomas]
Is that it?

[Shep]
I think. Let’s just go back one step to the present in the box that he gets from Santa.

[Thomas]
Sure is. The present a ticket to the North Pole? And it says, like, tear to redeem.

[Shep]
It could be. I mean, he waits till Christmas or Christmas Eve to open it.

[Emily]
Will you wait till Christmas Eve because it’s a Christmas present.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Even though Santa was like, “It’s a present.”

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
And then does it just like magical swirls around him? And then-

[Shep]
If they could do that. Why did they gas him in the first place?

[Emily]
I like the gas coming back.

[Shep]
But again, why was it necessary?

[Emily]
Because it makes us giggle. And that’s okay.

[Shep]
Then we need to have it in a third place. We need to use it a second time earlier so that we can have this be the third time punchline.

[Emily]
Well, isn’t that how they get him back to his life?

[Shep]
Yeah, but it’s unexpected the first time, after the transformation.

[Emily]
It’s expected the second time when they take him back.

[Shep]
Is it expected?

[Emily]
He thinks they’re just going to teleport him back and then they gas him.

[Shep]
Oh. He’s like, “How do I get back?” And they gas him.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And he wakes up at home.

[Emily]
And then so the third time, he’s like, “You have to stop doing this.”

[Shep]
“It’s so unnecessary.”

[Emily]
It’s not- yes.

[Thomas]
It’s not bad. I just think that at this point in the movie, we’re moving away from dumb comedy and going more toward heartwarming.

[Emily]
So it’s not expected.

[Shep]
That’s why it’s the perfect time.

[Emily]
It’s funny again.

[Shep]
Yes. Emily has totally convinced me. I’m completely on board. Actually, Thomas, you’ve also helped convince me. It’s because it’s so serious and somber and heartwarming, and it’s gone away from the dumb humor that it started with.

[Thomas]
Okay, I agree.

[Emily]
Yeah, it makes it funny again. It wouldn’t be funny again if we were continuing the dumb humor, but because it’s this heartwarming music swelling, snow slowly drifting.

[Thomas]
So, okay, it’s an empty box. So he opens it up and there’s nothing in it. And he shakes it and he holds it up to his feet, like, looks at it.

[Shep]
And it just comes out right then.

[Thomas]
And he’s like, “Oh, not again.” So it can’t be Santa Santa who gasses him the second time.

[Emily]
No, it’s his sponsor.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
Oh, Santa Santa tells him, “Santa, (your sponsor Santa)-“

[Thomas]
He just says, “Santa,”

[Shep]
Yeah, “Santa will help you get home.”

[Emily]
“Santa will help you.”

[Shep]
And so he goes to meet his sponsor.

[Thomas]
Maybe Santa Santa gives him a ticket home. He’s like, “Oh, give this to Santa on your way out.” He goes out and he hands it to Stephen Fry Santa who gasses him.

[Shep]
“There’s got to be an easier way.” I like it because he hates the gas, but he wants to be back as a Santa, so it’s a package deal.

[Thomas]
All right. He opens the box from Santa Santa on Christmas Eve, ticket to the North Pole, knock at the door. He opens the door and is immediately gassed by Stephen Fry.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Thomas]
All right. I love it. Are we missing anything?

[Emily]
No. We’ve got the bones.

[Shep]
We do have the bones. I’d like to see this Christmas movie.

[Thomas]
This is great. I’m so, so sad this isn’t going to be a movie.

[Shep]
Right?

[Thomas]
I really want to see this.

[Emily]
This is the holiday classic that never happened.

[Shep]
This year’s holiday classic that never happened.

[Thomas]
Yeah

[Shep]
We’ll have another one next year.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Thomas]
That’s true, that’s true. Well, we’d love to hear your thoughts on today’s show. Did Christmas come early or did we lay an egg?

[Shep]
Oh, ’cause eggnog.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Let us know by leaving a comment on our website, reaching out on social media, or sending us an email.

[Shep]
Yeah, leave a message for whether you liked the gassing or not.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
We need to we need conclusive-

[Emily]
I need support. If you guys like me the most out of the three of us, go to Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and tell us how right I am.

[Thomas]
Links to all of those can be found at AlmostPlausible.com Emily, Shep, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas season. May your cup runneth over with eggnog or not. Whichever will make your holidays happier. We’ll be back in the new year with another episode of Almost Plausible.

[Outro music]

[Emily]
(Giggles) I’m still thinking about Christmas shoes.

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