Chocolate

References

• Almost Plausible: Marshmallow
• Waterworld
• Golem
• Latchkey Kid
• Hot Frosty
• Mannequin
• Pygmalion
• Frosty the Snowman
• LazyTown
• The Monkey’s Paw
• Pleasantville
• The Santa Clause
• Almost Plausible: Padlock
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
• Capybara
• Big
• A Christmas Carol
• Beauty and the Beast
• The Ring
• Squid Game
• Darkman
• Bloody Mary
• Candyman
• Almost Plausible: Pockets
• Deus ex machina

Transcript

[Intro music begins]

[Shep]
It’s all Squid Game.

[Emily]
Spoilers. I haven’t seen that.

[Shep]
There’s less chocolate than you would think.

[Emily]
Damn it.

[Thomas]
Less squid than you would think.

[Intro music]

[Thomas]
Hey there, story fans. Welcome to Almost Plausible, the podcast where we take ordinary objects and turn them into movies. I’m Thomas J. Brown, and joining me in kicking off the fourth year of Almost Plausible are Emily-

[Shep]
Oh, geez.

[Emily]
Hey, guys. Happy Valentine’s Day.

[Shep]
What?

[Thomas]
Is this our Valentine’s episode? That’s why we picked chocolate, isn’t it?

[Shep]
Oh, wow.

[Thomas]
And F. Paul Shepard.

[Shep]
Happy to be here. And also, how does time work?

[Thomas]
Yeah. Well, as I said, we take ordinary objects and turn them into movies. And to do that, we start out by taking turns pitching some basic ideas. We pick the pitch we like the most, and from there, we figure out the plot of our film. On this episode, for Valentine’s Day, we’re going to create a movie plot based on Chocolate. But before we start our pitch session, I’m curious, what type of chocolate do you two like the best?

[Shep]
Dark. Dark! Darker than you’re thinking. They don’t sell the proper kind of dark chocolate in the US that I like.

[Thomas]
Because you’re a bitter old man and…

[Shep]
Yes. Oh!

[Thomas]
You want chocolate that reflects your soul.

[Shep]
Yes. It’s so good.

[Emily]
I am not ashamed to say I like that good old-fashioned American milk chocolate. I do. I love it.

[Thomas]
Well, I agree, Emily. I like milk chocolate. I definitely like non-American milk chocolate better, but most of us don’t have anything to compare it to.

[Thomas]
And it’s not terrible if that’s all you’ve had.

[Emily]
Right. I mean, I will eat a Hershey bar out of desperation because that’s a special kind of gross milk chocolate. But there are other American milk chocolates that are good.

[Thomas]
As long as it’s not Palmer.

[Emily]
Oh, God, no. Palmer is just what you torment poor children with. I like, like Dove chocolate and then, of course, peanut butter cups and things like that.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I’ll start our pitch session this episode. How about a prequel to our Marshmallow episode where the world is made of confections, which culminates in an ecological disaster and floods the world with hot chocolate?

[Emily]
Is that how they got their sea?

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
So this is like pre-Marshmallow Pangea?

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So it’s regular world, and then hot chocolate episode is Water World, except hot chocolate.

[Thomas]
Yes.

[Emily]
Yep.

[Thomas]
Yeah, pretty much.

[Shep]
I mean, the hot chocolate episode was basically ecological disaster anyway.

[Thomas]
That’s right.

[Emily]
Mm.

[Thomas]
That’s right. My second idea is one. I just had this idea of a chocolate golem, and so I have a longer version of this if we’re interested. But the short version is: During a period of economic hardship in a European town, a confectioner struggles to make ends meet. After a string of robberies, he creates a golem from chocolate to protect the shop. Although the golem is helpful at first, it eventually grows in size and strength until it rampages through the town.

[Shep]
I love it, except for the rampaging through the town part. But I just like the idea of a chocolate golem.

[Thomas]
My last one’s a little bit longer, but I like the idea. I can visualize it really clearly. Sophie is nine years old and a latchkey kid. She’s befriended an older neighbor who is a witch and who has given Sophie a book of spells so she can learn witchcraft as well. Like most children, Sophie likes chocolate. So when her parents buy a fancy box of Belgian chocolates for a formal dinner party to impress their wealthy neighbors, Sophie can’t wait to get her hands on the tasty treats.

[Thomas]
She’s admonished by her parents to leave the chocolates alone, but she just can’t resist and ends up eating a couple. Her parents are furious. Now they can’t present the chocolates in the fancy box and will have to arrange them on a dish instead. As a result, not only is Sophie grounded, but she will not be allowed to eat any more of the chocolates.

[Thomas]
Incensed, Sophie looks in her spellbook and finds a suitable curse, which she places on the chocolates. That evening after dinner, the adults eat the chocolates, and suddenly kid movie hilarity ensues. Sophie’s parents panic, but their guests find the pranks harmless and entertaining, at first. Soon things get out of control and Sophie runs to her neighbor for help. Together, they try to get things back under control, and Sophie discovers that she must claim responsibility for her actions and apologize sincerely in order to break the curse. Or something like that.

[Shep]
Ah.

[Thomas]
The ending’s a little weak. That’s all for me. Emily, what do you have?

[Emily]
I have: a small town chocolatier, Kevin, meets a mysterious and alluring newcomer, Vanessa. They hit it off right away and begin dating. As they get closer, Kevin begins to notice some oddities with Vanessa. The most glaring is that she never eats the chocolate he brings home for her. One day, while Vanessa is making her monthly visit to her sister out of town, Kevin thinks he sees her run into the woods. He follows her and watches in terror as she transforms into a werewolf. She never ate the chocolate because it’s toxic to werewolves, just like other canines. Kevin now has to navigate a perilous situation.

[Thomas]
I thought it was because she was a chocolate golem, so she didn’t wanna.

[Shep]
Right. It’s cannibalism.

[Emily]
Cannibalism.

[Thomas]
Right, right, right.

[Emily]
All right, Shep, do you have anything good for us?

[Shep]
All right, I have one pitch: A ruthless candy corporation CEO finds themselves cursed and turned into chocolate. Now, a living, walking chocolate person, they scramble to find a way to undo the curse before they melt. Or it could be a chocolatier scientist who fell into experimental chocolate. Or it could be a chocolate statue that comes to life. I just want a chocolate person movie.

[Thomas]
All right, what do we like? It sounds like the two front runners both have to do with a humanoid chocolate person thing.

[Shep]
Hooray.

[Emily]
Yay.

[Thomas]
So either a golem or CEO or chocolate scientist or whatever.

[Shep]
I mean, one of them was the chocolate statue that comes to life, which is basically a golem. So it’s a golem or a person.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah. But the chocolate statue that comes to life is an awful lot like, Hot Frosty.

[Shep]
Or Mannequin or Pygmalion or Frosty the Snowman. All right, so if it’s not a statue that comes to life a la Hot Frosty, then it’s a person that’s turned into chocolate, either through a scientific accident or a curse. These are wildly different inciting incidents to get to the same result.

[Emily]
Where are we going with it? What’s the overall message?

[Thomas]
Did you have something in mind, Shep, for what your person does?

[Shep]
Well, if they were the CEO and they’re cruel to their employees and one of them curses them to turn into chocolate, then they have to learn the lesson of, “Hey, maybe let’s not be a terrible person.” Although, is it too soon for a story like that?

[Thomas]
Yeah, it should probably not be a CEO, huh?

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
I mean, it doesn’t have to be a CEO. Maybe it’s in the chocolate factory and it’s just like a really hard ass floor manager or something.

[Shep]
Yeah, it’s Willy Wonka, and when the cameras aren’t rolling, he’s not so whimsical.

[Thomas]
Well, but he’s the CEO. But I was thinking, like, maybe one of the workers makes a wish. But it’s one of those, like, monkey paw type of wishes where it’s like, “I wish my boss were sweeter.”

[Shep]
(Laughs) That’s really good.

[Emily]
I do have a vision of somebody from the candy coating station or whatever in the company helping him paint on, like, a human facade. So you don’t see the chocolate.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
So he-

[Thomas]
That’s good.

[Emily]
He looks a little shiny, but he still looks like himself.

[Thomas]
He looks like that guy from Lazytown.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Oh, the villain.

[Thomas]
Yeah, yeah, the villain.

[Shep]
Robbie Rotten.

[Thomas]
Yes, that’s his name.

[Shep]
Yeah. So it’s not an incorrigible person. Obviously, if they’re getting people to help them paint on a candy shell or whatever.

[Thomas]
Sure. It could just be an accident on the line. Maybe it’s because of their boss pushing them so hard to get things done. They fall into the chocolate vat.

[Shep]
And become chocolate themselves and not just die horrifically.

[Emily]
Yep.

[Thomas]
Is there an explanation for why that happens?

[Shep]
I like the, you, “I wish you were sweeter” curse.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
I thought that was really good. Okay, does the person- Is it a… Is it a man or a woman that turns into chocolate? If it’s “I wish you were sweeter,” it could be the woman is cursing a man for being a jerk.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
I mean, typically, supervisors who are assholes are men. I just saying.

[Shep]
Typically, supervisors are men, period. Because it’s patriarchy.

[Emily]
Also a fact.

[Shep]
All right, Is this a rom-com later? I’m just asking because I want to get ahead of it.

[Emily]
No.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Thomas]
Are we saying that we’re not doing a rom-com for our Valentine’s Day episode?

[Emily]
Correct. But then you’re bringing in workplace harassment and power dynamics. And-

[Shep]
Oh, it’s not someone who works with him. It’s someone that he passes by on the street. You know, they have a stall or a stand or something. And he’s just rude because he’s always in a hurry because he’s on the grind.

[Thomas]
And so do they say “It wouldn’t kill you to be sweet once in a while”? So he dies by falling into a vat of chocolate and is resurrected as a chocolate man.

[Shep]
Well, that was going to be my next question. Does it happen all at once, or does it happen slowly over time, where he’s becoming more and more chocolate?

[Thomas]
Hmm.

[Shep]
So he can hide it at first.

[Thomas]
Right. So it’s like Pleasantville or The Santa Clause.

[Shep]
Right. Or it just happens in the inciting incident at the beginning of the movie. And then he’s chocolate for the rest.

[Emily]
I like the idea of him slowly becoming chocolate just because I am a compulsive nail biter. So if we made him a compulsive nail biter, that’s how he figures it out.

[Shep]
Ooh.

[Emily]
He goes to bite his nails, and they’re, like, chocolatey.

[Shep]
So he thinks that he got chocolate on his hands somehow.

[Emily]
Yeah. Yeah.

[Shep]
So he goes and he washes his hands, and his hands are starting to wash away, and he’s like, “Oh. Oh, no.”

[Thomas]
Yeah. What’s his arc? I mean, is it his partner and he’s trying to win her back?

[Shep]
Oh.

[Thomas]
They have a lover’s quarrel at the beginning of the film.

[Emily]
No rom-coms!

[Shep]
No! Rom-coms! It’s Valentine’s Day!

[Emily]
The one day a year I don’t want rom-coms.

[Shep]
But the setup about wishing he were sweeter is so good.

[Emily]
All right, rom-com, I’m in.

[Thomas]
Oh, and it’s her, her birthday is Valentine’s Day.

[Shep]
Oh, that’s a rough.

[Thomas]
And so she. It is. And so she blows out her candles, but has not made a wish yet. And they’re having this argument. And so that’s where the wish comes from. I mean, that’s just an idea. So I feel like we need to have some obvious magical element that we can point to for the audience and be like, “Ah, this is why it happened.”

[Emily]
Hmm.

[Shep]
Ah.

[Thomas]
He got her a monkey’s paw for her birthday.

[Emily]
I don’t know. There’s got to be some kind of crystal you can wish on. And he just bought her some random crystal at a stall that on the way home, with no forethought.

[Shep]
Right. But is that something the audience will all know, like- “Oh, yes, the wishing crystal. We’re all familiar with the Valentine’s Day birthday wishing crystal.”

[Emily]
It has a tag on it. And she’s like, “What the fuck is this?”

[Thomas]
No, no, I like this.

[Thomas]
This is good. He realizes, “Oh, I need to get her something.” And so he goes to- Or maybe he has specifically gone to this farmer’s market to find something or like a… Like a craft fair. And there’s a person selling wishing stones, and it’s a little heart. And maybe it’s rose quartz or something. And they say, “Oh, you… You know, you rub the heart and make a wish and…”

[Emily]
Yeah, it comes in a nice little box with a little card that tells you the history of the wishing stone.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Thus, the audience knows what’s going on. And she’s just like, “The fuck is this, man?” Maybe she thinks it’s gonna be a ring because it’s Valentine’s Day and it’s her birthday and it’s a little box.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah. Yep, yep. That’s good.

[Shep]
Okay, is he the one that bought it, or did he have his assistant buy it and he doesn’t even know what it is until she opens it?

[Thomas]
Ah.

[Emily]
I want him to buy it because it shows some thoughtlessness on his part that he’s just like, “Eh, this is fine.” Because a secretary might actually put thought into it to make him look good because that’s their boss. So-

[Shep]
So heart crystals are bad for Valentine’s Day, is what you’re saying? I’m lost at why this is a thoughtless gift. Because it sounds like a nice, sweet gift.

[Emily]
I think maybe it’s the antithesis of her personality, and she’s just like, “Why would you think I would want this?”

[Thomas]
She only gets one gift, but it’s Valentine’s Day and her birthday, so shouldn’t she get two gifts? I was thinking that it’s just so last minute.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
We need to establish something. She doesn’t wear jewelry. Or maybe she’s. Maybe she has a silver allergy or something and the necklace is made of silver or something along those lines. No, she has a nickel allergy because it’s a cheap fucking necklace. It’s a cheap chain that it’s on.

[Emily]
Yeah. Because it’s one of those cheap things you buy at a craft stall.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
For children. Maybe that’s it. Maybe. It’s clearly like a trinket for children.

[Thomas]
He gets it out of one of those quarter egg things at the grocery store. He goes to buy a grocery store cake for her.

[Emily]
All right, Shep, instead of causing problems with questions, give us solutions with answers.

[Shep]
Well, that’s why I thought it was his assistant, because his assistant would not know her. So all the things that you’re talking about, she’s allergic to whatever metal or she doesn’t wear jewelry or whatever. These are all things that he would presumably know.

[Emily]
Which is why she’s pissed at him, because he should know this, and he’s gotten her this piece of crap for her birthday / Valentine’s Day, and tricked her into thinking it was going to be a ring, even though that wasn’t his intention. But that’s her viewpoint.

[Thomas]
Right. I agree with Emily. Like, he should know these things. And so the fact that he bought it-

[Emily]
Last minute.

[Thomas]
Well and, like, without considering her nickel allergy or whatever, and she can even bring up that point, like, “How often do you see me wearing jewelry?”

[Shep]
How long have they been together?

[Emily]
Long enough to live together and her to be expecting an engagement ring.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Thomas]
It’d be a couple years, right?

[Emily]
Three, four years.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
It’s a long time to be dating and not be engaged.

[Emily]
They’re living together. These days, people don’t rush into marriage.

[Shep]
Okay.

[Emily]
Because then you end up rushing into divorce. Rush in, rush out. That’s what it is.

[Shep]
Yeah. That could be a conversation she has with her mom. “Why aren’t you engaged?” “People don’t do that anymore.” So why doesn’t he know this stuff if they’ve been together for years?

[Thomas]
Because that’s his story arc. He’s careless, he’s thoughtless, he’s selfish.

[Shep]
Okay, do we want them to get together at the end?

[Emily]
Yeah. He’s going to learn how to pay closer attention and meet her wants and needs in the way that she has been meeting. She’s been doing all the emotional work, and he’s just been skating by. So now he’s learning that he has to contribute.

[Shep]
Then why did she stay with him for years?

[Emily]
Because women are dumb.

[Shep]
It doesn’t make any sense!

[Thomas]
Look, we’re all single adults. We all know how rough it is.

[Emily]
It doesn’t make sense, but it happens. He represents security. She feels like this is the best she can do. When he is present, it’s nice. It’s fine. He’s like a narcissist, and she- And he manipulates her and he- What’s the-

[Shep]
You’re not selling me on this guy who’s supposed to be our likable main character?

[Thomas]
Yeah, I. I agree. I could see him being kind at the beginning and then getting lazy in the relationship.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Like, he takes her for granted.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
I think that he is just a workaholic, which is a thing in his mind that he is doing for her.

[Thomas]
Right. He thinks it’s a virtue.

[Shep]
He thinks it’s a virtue. He’s trying to build this life for the two of them, but this means working all the time.

[Emily]
So- But why would she stay in that situation? What’s keeping her there if he’s never there? Literally never there. Not even just present when they’re together. He’s literally just always working. He would have no time for dates or interactions or-

[Shep]
What you’re saying is being absent is worse than being a manipulative asshole.

[Emily]
Yes, because women are that lonely sometimes.

[Shep]
Well, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about.

[Emily]
Honestly, I think both are terrible situations to be in and that women shouldn’t choose to be in those situations. But the reality is that happens. We are programmed in a way by society or entertainment or what have you that says, you know, “He’s a good man. He does these things for me. It’s okay that he doesn’t notice this is my favorite color. It’s okay that I said I wanted this thing and he got me something close to it, but not exactly, and lesser than.”

[Thomas]
Well. And it’s like, even though the frog’s slowly boiling water thing was bullshit, it’s that same idea of, like, this was a gradient. This happened over time that he became worse and worse about it. You know, maybe they have some goal.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Thomas]
They’re trying to save up for a house, and housing prices keep going up, so he’s got to work more, and so he’s around less, and he is taking her for granted.

[Emily]
More harder. Well is she also a workaholic then? But still putting in the effort into the relationship? Because it shouldn’t all be on him to meet the financial need. If it’s not on her to meet the emotional need.

[Thomas]
I think she should definitely be working.

[Emily]
Why can’t she work as hard?

[Thomas]
Because he’s working too hard. He Is overworking.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Thomas]
He should not be working that hard. But in his mind, he’s like, “Oh, I have to do this.”

[Shep]
The reason that I want him to be a workaholic rather than an asshole is that you don’t really change your personality that much. It’s unrealistic to change your personality as an adult to that degree. Whereas you can have a conversation with your significant other and realize, “Oh, I have been working too much. I can cut back on that.” That’s not a big personality shift. That’s just a change of focus.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
I would say it’s more realistic that he could change in that way than he could change in stopping being a manipulative asshole.

[Emily]
Okay, so let me. Let me step that back. I was going to the extreme there. I wouldn’t want him to be a manipulative asshole. But we could see, and then we could just combine these two, he is a workaholic, but she is carrying the emotional load.

[Thomas]
For sure.

[Emily]
Like, she takes notice of everything that he likes and he wants and he needs, and he is not matching that energy to her. It doesn’t mean that he’s, you know, a jackass. It just means-

[Shep]
How could he? He’s out of energy when he gets home from work because he works 16 hours a day.

[Emily]
Yeah, but that means he- Oh, okay. She works a lot, but then comes home and does the housework and then still holds the emotional load.

[Shep]
Yeah, no, you’re right. I’m saying that’s the problem.

[Emily]
Okay, so his excuse is the current patriarchal excuse of “I’m tired. I’ve spent 16 hours working.” And she’s like, “Uh, huh.”

[Thomas]
“And what do I do all day?”

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
“I also work 10 hours a day and I do XYZ and I still know your favorite color is chartreuse.” And he can’t even tell her the color of her eyes anymore.

[Thomas]
Well, his are about to become brown.

[Shep]
See, if it’s a slow change, I would like it if that’s one of the things.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
You know, he’s got blue eyes and then he’s got brown eyes. As he becomes chocolate.

[Emily]
That would be fun.

[Thomas]
I was thinking, why chocolate?

[Emily]
Because the title of the episode is Chocolate.

[Thomas]
Well, no, so I was thinking, you know, is there some ironic thing we could do? Some, something that would really impact his life in certain ways. And I thought, “Oh, maybe he, like, works in a foundry. So it’s like, super hot. He can’t work in that job anymore.”

[Shep]
Oh.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
It doesn’t have to be a founder, but something like that where, like, he can’t work at that place anymore because of the chocolate.

[Shep]
He’s a professional lifeguard.

[Thomas]
Yeah. It’ll literally kill him.

[Emily]
Well, and it could also be chocolate because we could have, you know, the argument be that one part of the argument is “You don’t even bring me chocolates on Valentine’s Day anymore. And it’s my birthday.” You know, so we bring in chocolate that way. I’m just trying to throw it in there so that we have it.

[Thomas]
No, that’s good. That’s good.

[Shep]
He gets her a birthday cake. It’s not even chocolate.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Because it was on sale. Because he’s cheap, because he’s trying to save money.

[Shep]
Right. He’s seeing that as a virtue. “I’m saving money.”

[Thomas]
“Chocolate is so popular this time of year, they jack the prices up. But no one’s buying carrot cake on Valentine’s Day. Carrot cake. Because you love carrot cake.” Like, “Yeah, I love carrot cake. You know, I love more? Chocolate!”

[Emily]
“I’ll get you chocolate tomorrow when it’s on sale.”

[Shep]
That’s a great line.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
Because it shows how insensitive he is, which in his mind is a perfectly rational, reasonable, logical argument.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
“Tomorrow it’ll be half off!”

[Thomas]
It sounds like we have a pretty good handle on their relationship and why they’re fighting. And we know… Do we like the necklace idea as the reason why she has a wish?

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Yes, because he buys the necklace from a little stall on the side of the road.

[Thomas]
Yep.

[Shep]
Because he’s in a hurry, doesn’t have time to go to a store proper, and it’s an old woman that sells him the necklace like “This is exactly what you need.”

[Thomas]
Yep.

[Emily]
She also sells Locks.

[Thomas]
Yes.

[Shep]
She also sells locks!

[Thomas]
And maybe she’s even sort of like “Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm!” And he’s like, “Okay. Weird.”

[Shep]
Well, no, she’s giving him, “This is exactly what you need.”

[Thomas]
Ah, yes. Yes. Very good.

[Shep]
Because she knows that this ordeal will bring that couple closer together. So she’s not being malevolent, but she is being mischievous.

[Thomas]
Is there a dinner that they go out to? He probably, maybe he forgot to make a reservation or he left it to the last minute. He didn’t have time.

[Shep]
Ah.

[Thomas]
He swings by Boston Market on the way home and… Or KFC or whoever’s sponsoring us.

[Shep]
Right. Yeah. If we can get a sponsor, great. Otherwise, he bought the ingredients, but she has to make dinner because he is at work.

[Thomas]
Woof.

[Shep]
So he’s working late. But in his mind, their partners. So they’re each doing part of it. Even though it’s her birthday dinner, she has to cook it. But he bought the ingredients, so he’s helping. He’s doing his part (in his mind).

[Thomas]
Right. Like, he thinks that that’s okay because she always cooks dinner because he always works late. So she just knows that. She knows that that’s the way things are.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
Normally she does the grocery shopping, but he helped out by doing the shopping this time.

[Shep]
Right. And if it were an issue, she would have said something. And she hasn’t said anything. Therefore everything is okay.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Does he point out that he did the shopping and how proud she should be of him for contributing this one time?

[Thomas]
Maybe not phrasing it quite like that.

[Emily]
No, no, he won’t phrase it that way. He’d be like, “Look, I did the shopping.” And she’s like, “Do you want a prize?”

[Shep]
I mean, they don’t sound like a very good couple. They’re being that sniping.

[Emily]
I think I’m watching too much relationship TikTok.

[Emily]
Because that comes up a lot where women just, you know, do the thing, and then men will do it once and expect a lot of praise and admiration for it. And the women eventually get tired and are like, “I do it all the time. What the fuck? You don’t praise me. And all you want is this attention for doing it this one time.”

[Thomas]
Right. I feel like she’s kind of, like, rolled her eyes a lot in the past.

[Emily]
Yeah. And it’s just boiling over at this point.

[Thomas]
Right. It’s kind of like, reached a breaking point for her.

[Emily]
And it isn’t necessarily, like, they’re a bad match because I think that could happen in any stable and well-matched relationship too. It’s just like we said, he’s been focused on everything so long that he’s not even noticing that he’s doing that.

[Thomas]
And honestly, we don’t have to go down the path that every movie goes down. They can not let the other person walk away without something being said. They can acknowledge that “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I haven’t seen it from your perspective, but now that you say it, you’re right.” Maybe they’re getting heated and one of them is like, “Hold on, we need to calm down.” We can throw in all those things.

[Emily]
Hmm.

[Thomas]
But at the end of the conversation, it’s still like, “I need a break from this. I need something different.”

[Emily]
Do we want to teach good relationship skills through this movie? This is what you should do and not what you shouldn’t do.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Okay. They fight. She makes a wish. He becomes chocolate. How the fight happens, up to the writers. We don’t need to know.

[Shep]
Yes. But he doesn’t become chocolate immediately.

[Emily]
He slowly becomes chocolate and he discovers it through his compulsive nail biting.

[Shep]
Are they on a break, the two of them? Because I imagine he’s going to ask her for help fairly soon.

[Thomas]
Hmm.

[Emily]
How about not a break break. But maybe she went out of town. She just needs to get away for a long weekend.

[Shep]
So she goes and stays with her sister, who’s a werewolf.

[Emily]
Exactly.

[Thomas]
And her brother-in-law, who’s a golem.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Emily]
I like the idea that they need a break, but it doesn’t have to be like they’re breaking up.

[Thomas]
It could be a physical break, not an emotional one. Yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah, like she’s gonna go away for a week with her best friend to Cancun or something.

[Thomas]
No, Saint Barts.

[Shep]
Someplace hot where he can’t follow in his current situation.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
Oh, that could even be a thing. Like, they’re talking on the phone because they’re still together.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
And she’s like, “I’m having a really good time. You should join me.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And he’s like, “Oh, I can’t.” And she’s hearing, “I can’t,” like, “I gotta keep working.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
“I can’t get away.”

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And he’s meaning, “I can’t go somewhere that hot. I will die.”

[Thomas]
But written in a way that like he thinks he’s explained himself and she’s hearing it.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Not what he is actually saying, but what she thinks he means.

[Shep]
Right. Just more fun misunderstanding stuff you can throw in.

[Thomas]
Yeah, Yeah.

[Shep]
So is he on his own or does he have an assistant?

[Thomas]
I think he should be on his own then, right?

[Emily]
Well, if he works in like a foundry and he’s not a supervisor.

[Thomas]
It doesn’t have to be foundry.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
Someplace hot.

[Thomas]
It could be someplace.

[Emily]
Someplace hot.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Someplace where he has to take a break from the work during this incident. So he’s trying to figure out what’s happening to him. He goes to a doctor. What does the doctor discover? How absurd are we going with this? Is it Hot Frosty levels where the doctor is like, “Yeah, he’s pure chocolate.”

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Obviously.

[Shep]
And then doesn’t mention it to anyone. And it’s not a medical mystery at all. Just “Try to stay out of the sun. Don’t get caught in the rain.” So those are some dangers. He can’t get wet. He can’t be in the sun too long. What are you thinking, Thomas?

[Thomas]
The doctor’s like, “I think we need to take some samples” and like scrape some chocolate off. And then he’s like snacking on it right in front of him. Like, “Dude!” “Sorry, sorry.”

[Emily]
“Really good chocolate.”

[Thomas]
Huh.

[Emily]
“That nice European chocolate, too.”

[Shep]
The doctor asks him if it hurts when he’s scraping it off. And he’s like, “No,” because he can’t feel it.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
“Okay.” And scrapes off more.

[Thomas]
I mean, do we want him to lose his job?

[Shep]
Are we going for a lowest low?

[Thomas]
I mean, it could be the case that there could be another misunderstanding where she’s like, “Oh, he’s quit that job to demonstrate his commitment to having more time” or to demonstrate that he’s not so worried about money. But really he’s like, “No, I can’t go back there because I will literally melt and die.”

[Shep]
I mean, he could work in a chocolate factory. And the machines that melt the chocolate are very hot, which is why he can’t work there.

[Emily]
Well, yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
It’s a foundry, but for chocolate instead of steel.

[Emily]
Yeah. I could see on the floor it would actually quite warm in a chocolate factory. But-

[Thomas]
He works by the big molten chocolate vat.

[Emily]
He keeps the Augustus Gloops out.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
That’s his job.

[Shep]
He’s got a big net.

[Thomas]
He’s a skimmer down at the chocolate factory.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Thomas]
“Anything that falls in, I skim it out.” He’s got one of those big pool net things.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
I want that job.

[Thomas]
And then there’s like a big, like a big like laundry tub on wheels type of thing. Like an industrial one that he put stuff in.

[Emily]
The raccoon. Kid.

[Thomas]
Right. Rats. Yeah, the German kid.

[Emily]
Slowly gets bigger. It’s a rat. It’s a raccoon. It’s a capybara. It’s a child.

[Thomas]
I think we need to take a break and…

[Shep]
Yeah, we’re getting a little loopy.

[Thomas]
Yeah, when we come back, we’ll figure out the rest of our chocolatey story.

[Break]

[Thomas]
All right, we’re back. We know how he gets himself into this situation. So now we need to figure out how he gets himself out of this situation. Or does he? Does he stay a chocolate man forever?

[Shep]
He’s got to get out of the situation.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Somehow.

[Emily]
He can’t be chocolate forever.

[Shep]
He’s leaving chocolate footprints wherever he walks around.

[Emily]
Starting to leave stains.

[Shep]
He’s got to wear gloves.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Yeah, but he’s, like, oozing chocolate through his clothes.

[Thomas]
Does she come home and the A/C is cranked?

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
It’s like freezing in the apartment. She’s like, “What are you doing?”

[Shep]
So the girlfriend comes back. What do they do together to try to resolve this situation? Do they realize it was the wishing necklace? Do they try to make a wish on it again? Or has she thrown that necklace away because she hated it so much? Do they try to find the old woman again?

[Thomas]
I mean, I think that they would try to find the old woman and of course she’s not there.

[Shep]
Of course.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Oh, he has a terrible boss at the chocolate factory.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Shep]
This is who’s pushing him to work so hard, to stay late, to neglect his family. It’s his terrible boss who does not believe in work-life balance. But they do believe in chocolate. And when the boss finds out that he is chocolate and turning into more chocolate, do you think the boss is going to let that go? No, this is an opportunity. I’m saying the boss is the villain of the movie.

[Emily]
What is it an opportunity… What does the boss want to do with him?

[Thomas]
Well, how does he get back to being human?

[Emily]
Is it Big? Does he have to rewish on the stone? Is it A Christmas Carol? He just learns his lesson and becomes human again. Or I guess that’s more Beauty and the Beast.

[Shep]
It’s The Ring. And he passes the curse on to his boss, who then becomes chocolate.

[Thomas]
I mean, it feels like they both need to reconcile the relationship.

[Emily]
Yeah. They both need to work on… I don’t know, does she need to actually work on something too?

[Shep]
Yes. Communication. What are you talking about?

[Emily]
Okay, that’s where I was going is do they through this learn that he needs to step up on the emotional / home level and she needs to communicate better what she needs?

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
And how she feels the relationship needs to work for both of them?

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
You see them in couples counseling at the end.

[Emily]
So if we make the boss evil-

[Shep]
Of course.

[Emily]
Them working together against him would bring them together.

[Shep]
So they’re not really apart.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
They’re taking a break for the weekend. Or she’s taking a break for the weekend. But they didn’t break up. And she does help him when she comes back. So it’s not like they need to get together. They are together. They do need to work together.

[Emily]
Work. Yeah. That’s what I was talking about. They need to work together to do it.

[Shep]
Like, say the boss captures him. Does he regrow chocolate? Like, if you break off a finger, does it come back?

[Thomas]
Yeah, maybe slowly it does.

[Shep]
Yeah, it could be a source of very rare chocolate.

[Emily]
Oh, that makes it dark.

[Shep]
Yes. It’s dark.

[Emily]
The boss is like imprisoning him and slowly chunking off parts of him.

[Shep]
Yep. Yeah, it’s all Squid Game.

[Emily]
Spoilers. I haven’t seen that.

[Shep]
There’s less chocolate than you would think.

[Emily]
Damn it.

[Thomas]
Less squid than you would think.

[Shep]
So she has to rescue him. But then what?

[Thomas]
What’s the lowest low? Is it him being captured by the boss?

[Shep]
I mean, if that’s what we’re going with, that would definitely be a lowest low.

[Thomas]
And that would kick off the third act where she rescues him.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
So then would the mid-second act turning point be the boss finds out or word gets out or…

[Shep]
It’s got to be the boss finds out.

[Thomas]
Right, because we need some time for the boss to be formulating his plan and putting things into action to capture him.

[Emily]
Right. And the boss, maybe just at the beginning, thinks, “Oh, I can use him as a mascot. We could exploit him.” And then learns that the chocolate will regrow, and then he tastes it, and it’s the best chocolate ever. So now he has to capture him and slowly chip away at him. So how does she rescue him?

[Shep]
I mean, that might be a problem for the writers.

[Emily]
Okay, once he’s rescued, how do they make him human again?

[Thomas]
Magic kiss. It’s a classic.

[Emily]
Is he melting and then she kisses him?

[Thomas]
And then she licks her lips is like, “Oh fuck, that’s good.”

[Shep]
I mean, that’s Beauty and the Beast, where he appears to die at the end.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Emily]
So we don’t want them to be able to find the witch or the rose quartz heart or anything like that. Right?

[Shep]
Oh, maybe they could find the heart again.

[Emily]
You know what would be fun for me would be for her to…

[Emily]
I don’t know, she’s on the street doing something to try and save him, and she’s walking, and a little old lady taps her on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, miss, I think you dropped this.” It’s clearly the old witch. And she gives her the necklace, and she’s like, “What?”

[Emily]
“I didn’t drop anything.” And then, “Oh.” How do you feel about that, Shep? Is it too coincidental? Is it less them making the choice and more it happening to them? Is that too passive?

[Shep]
If she has the heart, why doesn’t she make a wish on it right then?

[Emily]
Right when the old lady hands it to her?

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
She does. She gets it. She makes the wish. He becomes human. She races home, and, oh, he’s human again.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Okay, where do we want him to be human again? Because I thought it would be during the rescue at work.

[Emily]
Oh.

[Shep]
This is the climax of the movie.

[Emily]
I think in my brain, I was thinking that she does save him and getting him out, but (gasp!) he’s still chocolate. That’s still a problem. And then she gets the heart from the witch and makes the wish. Like I said, that might be too passive.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Mm.

[Thomas]
Because they’re not really doing anything to change their circumstances.

[Emily]
But what could they do? What are steps they could take that would result in him becoming human again?

[Shep]
I have a scene, but it involves a thing that I hate.

[Emily]
Coincidence?

[Shep]
No.

[Thomas]
White chocolate?

[Shep]
The old woman sees her on the street and says something to her and puts the necklace in her pocket. Like, maybe without her noticing, she also has something else in that pocket. I don’t know what. She goes in to rescue him. They break him out of whatever room he’s locked in. But the evil boss sets off the fire alarm, which turns on the sprinklers, which is not a real thing.

[Emily]
Ah.

[Shep]
It is a fake thing in movies. And because it’s fake and not real, it bothers me. But it would serve our story in that she’s trying to shield him from the water now, but he’s melting. He’s melted so much that he can’t run away. So they’re having their moment in the, not the rain. But, you know, she’s got her coat and she’s covering him up.

[Emily]
To solve the turns the fire alarm on, could there be a switch for the fire alarm and a switch, an emergency switch for the sprinklers?

[Shep]
Right. That’s not how those sprinklers work, though. They’re completely mechanical.

[Emily]
But this sprinkler system could work that way. Because there are places where the sprinklers do work that way, where the one room is blocked off and you have, like, an emergency switch that you, because you see the fire before it would set it off.

[Shep]
Well, then you need to establish that that is that type of sprinkler.

[Thomas]
What if the sprinklers don’t enter into it. Would be more poetic if he ends up in the vat. Like if his job is working with the big vats of chocolate.

[Shep]
Oh. How much is he melting down? Like, she collects him in a bucket, and he’s melting more and more.

[Emily]
He’s just a nub, a head, and a torso.

[Shep]
It’s just his face on the top of a liquid pool of chocolate.

[Thomas]
But like as part of the climax, the boss like pushes him into the vat and so he’s starting to like melt down.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Terminator 2-style.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yes.

[Shep]
So that boss just straight-up murdered him, is that correct?

[Emily]
I think it’s a slippery slope from kidnapping to murder that it’s easy for this particular boss to make that leap.

[Shep]
If you murder him, what was the point of capturing him? The whole point is that he grows his chocolate back.

[Emily]
If you let him go, you get reported.

[Shep]
Whereas if you murder him, who’s going to report you? Oh, the other human witness who’s there.

[Emily]
Well.

[Thomas]
“Where’s the proof?”

[Shep]
Yeah. “Where’s the body?”

[Emily]
What’s she gonna say? “He murdered my chocolate boyfriend”?

[Emily]
Who’s gonna believe- They’re gonna be like, “Honey, do you need a doctor?” Or- Again, slippery slope. He’s already kidnapped, and he’s murdered a chocolate man. She’s gotta go, too. This boss is just slowly deteriorating.

[Thomas]
Are we going to do the thing where he pushes the boyfriend into the chocolate vat and so he thinks, “Okay, all done, that guy’s taken care of. Now I can focus my attention on killing this girl.” But then he, the boyfriend, climbs out of the chocolate vat and saves her, somehow. Knocks out the boss.

[Shep]
Is this a horror movie at the end?

[Thomas]
Seems like it.

[Emily]
Feel like we went that way. It’s like Darkman, Dark Chocolate Man.

[Shep]
Dark Chocolate Man.

[Thomas]
Very good, very good.

[Shep]
There’s the title. Mine was them saying their sweet goodbyes when they think he’s gonna die in the sprinkler.

[Shep]
And Thomas is push him in the vat and melt him down and then murder the girlfriend. Where do you go from that? Where do you go? How do you get him back after he’s melted down?

[Thomas]
But see, he’s not fully melted down. That’s the thing.

[Shep]
Okay, so he climbs out of the vat, partly melted. He’s the sloppy chocolate. Half liquid, half solid.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah, like a mud monster.

[Thomas]
Yes.

[Emily]
Just dripping, squelching.

[Shep]
Right. And if you say his name in the mirror three times…

[Thomas]
It’s Dark Chocolate Man? It’s kind of clunky to say three times.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
“Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.” Does he drown the boss in chocolate?

[Emily]
Well, no, we don’t want them to murder.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
Oh yeah, it’s a good point, Good point.

[Shep]
I still argue for the turning the boss into chocolate, taking the place of the main character.

[Emily]
So the curse just passes on. Like in The Ring. You weren’t kidding about that?

[Shep]
I wasn’t kidding about that.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
Because all the bad things the boss was doing to him will now be done to the boss. It’s poetic justice.

[Emily]
All right. Who ties the boss down to start scraping his chocolate?

[Shep]
Oh, he’s already set up this, you know, group of employees.

[Emily]
Oh, okay.

[Shep]
They’re responsible for keeping the chocolate man contained.

[Thomas]
So how does the curse get passed on to the boss?

[Shep]
That’s what I was thinking. The wish heart. She has it again in her pocket. She doesn’t realize it until the crucial moment.

[Emily]
How does she make the wish? Does she just say, “I wish we could just go home?”

[Shep]
She knows the magic words.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
“I wish you were sweeter.”

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
She says that to the boss. “I wish you were sweeter.” And then she turns to her boyfriend “Instead of you.”

[Thomas]
Yeah, maybe it should be the same necklace then. Like she hasn’t gotten rid of it. It’s been in her pocket. Then it’s not the old woman secretly slipping it in there, somehow.

[Shep]
You don’t want to bring the old woman back?

[Thomas]
We can.

[Emily]
Actually, I think it works better if she still had it in her pocket and it was the original necklace, because then his gift wasn’t as useless to her as she originally thought. Like, she sees value now in- In his efforts, in the efforts he does make.

[Shep]
Okay. If she has it in her pocket and she knows it’s in her pocket because she put it in her pocket, how come she doesn’t wish on it sooner?

[Thomas]
Well, I think when they have the fight and she decides she’s gonna leave, she just sticks it in her pocket. She’s kinda like, “I’m gonna go.” And she like sticks it in her pocket, grabs her stuff, heads out the door. She doesn’t even think about it. So she doesn’t like consciously put it in her pocket. She doesn’t remember it’s there. So later maybe she gets knocked down in the factory in the climax and the necklace falls out of her pocket and she sees it and she’s like, “Oh my god, that’s right.”

[Shep]
And then it falls onto the machine and it’s being carried along the conveyor belt.

[Thomas]
Hahaha.

[Emily]
She has a magic coat, and it provides anything she needs in her Pocket. That’s what I was saying was what Thomas was saying is that she, she didn’t remember what happened to it. Like, how many times has that happened to you? It happens to me all the time where I put something somewhere without thinking about it. Just kind of-

[Shep]
Yeah, but my question is, when she finds out he’s chocolate and she had made that wish, why don’t they look for it way earlier in the movie?

[Thomas]
Hmm.

[Shep]
Soon as she comes back from her vacation.

[Thomas]
That’s a good point.

[Emily]
Oh fine. Does she think she threw it away?

[Thomas]
I don’t think she thinks she threw it away. I think she knows she didn’t. But maybe she even knows, like, “It’s in my coat,” but it has fallen out of her coat somewhere. And she finds it later. I don’t know how or where, but.

[Emily]
She could put it in her pocket. Pocket has a hole in it. Hole goes into the lining of her jacket, but then it wouldn’t fall out while she’s fighting the evil boss.

[Thomas]
Right. Well, and all of this is flirting with deus ex machina quite a lot.

[Emily]
Mmhm. So let’s just have the old lady come back and she’s god, and she does it.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Emily]
Yeah, I got it. Sprinklers come on with the fire alarm being pulled, the old lady solves the problem because she’s the god of the movie. We just throw in all the cliches and we call it a night. Wrap it with a pretty bow. American moviegoer will eat it up.

[Thomas]
Sadly. You’re probably right.

[Emily]
We could sell it to Netflix easy.

[Shep]
That’s not the flex it used to be.

[Thomas]
Yeah, I mean, that’s a pretty unfulfilling ending.

[Emily]
Oh, no. 100% it’s terrible. So the boss is trying to kill him because… Okay, what if he’s not trying to kill him again? He’s just trying to recapture him.

[Shep]
Right. Yeah.

[Emily]
And then inadvertently does something that will ultimately lead to his death. So we’re not murdering.

[Shep]
Okay, we’re not murdering.

[Emily]
Not murdering.

[Shep]
I’m a fan of not murdering.

[Thomas]
And he doesn’t want to because he recognizes “This is my cash cow.”

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
And she’s in the process of helping him escape, and we need them to make a choice or an action on their part to help him become human again.

[Thomas]
I mean, we could bring the old woman back earlier and have her explain that the curse needs to be passed on somehow. She could set up whatever the rules are.

[Shep]
Yeah. I can’t think of, like, a poetic way to break the curse that doesn’t involve the wishing heart.

[Emily]
I mean, we could have him fall in the vat and climb out and be a gooey, melting chocolate monster, and then absorb the boss, and then the boss comes out a chocolate man, and then he’s a pile of goo. And then she just wishes.

[Shep]
See, it’s horror movie. I was thinking more like the boss’s evil henchmen assistants are too zealous in trying to capture him and they, you know, start a fire or something.

[Shep]
And so the main character turns on the sprinklers to put out the fire to save her, even though he knows that he’ll melt, but only one of them could survive, and he wants it to be her.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
So, like, that’s a noble sacrifice. And if that were something that would break the curse, then that’s where it would happen.

[Emily]
Right, because that would be a really cool scene of, like, a chocolate layer melting off of him.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
To reveal just him, which would be great. But how does… Yeah, you’re right. How do we get to that point and then it go to the boss?

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
Doesn’t need to go to the boss.

[Shep]
No, it does not need to go to the boss.

[Emily]
It doesn’t.

[Shep]
It would just be a fun, poetic whatever. In fact, you could not do that. You could just do that in a post-credit scene or whatever.

[Emily]
He could do something mean to the old lady and she could be like, “Wish you were sweeter.”

[Shep]
Yep. And we know what that means.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
So just the self-sacrifice, would that be enough? Because… Oh, because he thinks he’s sacrificing with working all the time. He’s sacrificing the time, but it’s not really benefiting her in the way that he thinks it is.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
And then this is a true self-sacrifice that would fully benefit her and it’s completely selfless, 100%. And that would be the magic formula to break the spell.

[Thomas]
Yeah, I think so.

[Emily]
Perfect.

[Shep]
All right, we got it. We’re done. Roll credits!

[Thomas]
Well, we’d love to hear your thoughts on today’s episode about chocolate. Was it a sweet treat or was it as useful as a chocolate teapot? Let us know by leaving a comment on our website, reaching out on social media, or sending us an email. Links to all of those can be found at AlmostPlausible.com. The three of us have fun making this show, but after three whole years, what we really want is to hear your feedback and ideas. You can send us your thoughts and suggestions using the contact form at AlmostPlausible.com. When you send us that feedback, perhaps Emily, Shep, and I will make use of it on the next episode of Almost Plausible.

[Outro music]

[Shep]
Mischievous? Mischievous. Mischievous, what the… What?

[Emily]
Isn’t that a word?

[Thomas]
I’ve heard it both ways.

[Shep]
That’s not how that’s spelled at all.

[Emily]
Wait, that’s not how you say it? Am I… Am I wrong?

[Shep]
Mischievous. Mischievous.

[Emily]
So mischievous isn’t a word?

[Thomas]
On this episode of Word Nerds. Wait.

[Shep]
I am so distracted. Mischievous. What?

[Emily]
But that’s how I always say it.

[Thomas]
Yeah, same.

[Emily]
I feel like it’s a… You can say it either way. And maybe it’s a regional thing whether you like caramel and caramel.

[Thomas]
But if it’s not spelled…

[Shep]
It’s not spelled remotely like mischievous. It’s mischievous.

[Emily]
Oh, well, you could separate the I and the E and you would get mischie… Oh, there’s no extra V.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
What? Sherbet all over again!