Can Opener

References

• Turtles all the way down
• The Twilight Zone
  • Time Enough at Last
• Can Opener
• MacGuffin
• Suits
• The Good Place
• The Storyteller
• Sesame Street
  • Yip Yips
• The Gift of the Magi
• P-38 Can Opener
• Hackers
• Married to the Mob
• Hardboiled Detective
• Peter Falk
• Murder By Death
• The Cheap Detective
• National Lampoon
• Devotional Medal
• Emo Philips – Golden Gate Bridge
• Airplane!
  • Clip: Get a hold of yourself!
• The Thorn Birds
• Fleabag
• Chinatown
• Yoo-hoo
• Paris Hilton
• Underground Railroad
• Top Secret!
• Live PD
• Cops
• Scooby Doo, Where Are You!
• Almost Plausible: Turkey Baster
• Almost Plausible: Toilet Brush
• Leslie Nielsen
• Wikihistory

Transcript

[Intro music begins]

[Shep]
What?

[Thomas and Emily]
It’s from Suits.

[Shep]
I’ve never seen Suits. Why would you think I’ve ever seen Suits?

[Emily]
It’s a good show.

[Shep]
Do I like good shows or shows in general?

[Emily]
No.

[Shep]
What’s the last show I watched, Emily?

[Emily]
The Good Place?

[Shep]
It was The Storyteller. We talked about it. It was in the 1980s.

[Thomas]
You walked into a room and a TV was on. You went, “Not for me.”

[Shep]
Yeah. Like, “No, thanks. Sesame Street? You can keep it.”

[Thomas]
Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope nope….

[Shep]
Haha! I mean, I don’t get that reference. Damn it. Busted immediately.

[Intro music]

[Thomas]
Hey there, story fans. Welcome to Almost Plausible, the podcast where we take ordinary objects and turn them into movies. I’m Thomas J. Brown, and here with me are Emily-

[Emily]
Hey, guys.

[Thomas]
And F. Paul Shepard.

[Shep]
Happy to be here.

[Thomas]
Well, with that out of the way, we can open the show.

[Emily]
That one was terrible.

[Thomas]
Well, I don’t think it’s going to get any better than that. So let’s get right to the pitches for our movie about a can opener, I’ll pitch first today. I have just a few short ones here. A company makes industrial electric can openers for restaurants, hotels, et cetera. And a repairman for that company travels around the country working on the machines. At one job, he sees or overhears something he shouldn’t, and that puts his life at risk. I was thinking maybe a mob hotel in Vegas or something. My second idea, the main character’s job is to open unlabeled cans of food for a company that distributes the contents to local food banks. One of the cans he opens has something that’s not food in it, like money or drugs or gold or a genie.

[Shep]
Oh, no. We’re back to containers. No, no containers!

[Thomas]
Yeah, right.

[Shep]
When you said “One of the cans he opens contains…” And I was like, “Oh, it’s another can opener.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
It’s another can opener. And a smaller can.

[Thomas]
It’s cans all the way down.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Thomas]
My final idea is a person is stuck in a post-apocalyptic situation. They have plenty of canned food, but their can opener breaks right away, just completely falls apart. So now they have to find another one.

[Shep]
“There was time now.”

[Thomas]
Exactly.

[Emily]
So I had one very similar to that, but I abandoned it because I was looking up some stuff online, and they were like, “It’s ridiculously easy to open cans without a can opener.”

[Thomas]
It really is. Yeah.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
And I was like, “Well, that’s not gonna pass muster.”

[Shep]
I had almost the exact same thing, except mine was a post-apocalyptic survivor who has a vast cache of canned food, but no can opener. Just no can opener at all. But Thomas’s was better because the can opener breaks. That’s- Now you have the quest for the can opener.

[Thomas]
All right, Shep, I see yours are just as short as mine, so let’s hear from you.

[Shep]
Okay. This will be real quick.

[Thomas]
Yeah. We’ll get to Emily’s good ones here in a minute.

[Emily]
They’re terrible.

[Shep]
Before I get to mine, did you know that cans existed for decades before can openers were invented?

[Emily]
I learned that in my research.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
So how did they open cans prior to the invention of can openers?

[Emily]
Hammer and a chisel.

[Shep]
Hammer and a chisel.

[Thomas]
Wow.

[Shep]
Well, it’s kind of disingenuous because these cans were very thick, like thick iron.

[Emily]
Yeah, they were made of iron with a tin lining or something.

[Shep]
Tin. Yeah. So it’s not like modern cans. So it’s like, “Oh, can openers weren’t invented.” Well, there wouldn’t be a can opener-

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
To cut through an inch of iron, so yeah, once they invented steel for cans, which is much thinner, then the can opener was invented shortly after. But anyway, speaking of the invention of the can opener, how about a mockumentary about the invention of the can opener, including hardline holdouts. “Why do we need such a gadget? A hammer and chisel was good enough for my father, and it’s good enough for me.”

[Thomas]
I do like the idea of, you know, you’ve got those can openers that kind of fold up. Or if you have a Swiss Army knife, there’s, like, a little can opener on there. I like the idea of a hammer and a chisel that sort of fold together. It’s still big and clunky and awkward, but you’re like, “See, it’s portable now.”

[Shep]
It’s got a handle.

[Thomas]
Yeah. So convenient.

[Emily]
Still obscenely heavy.

[Shep]
It’s like the early portable computers where it’s the size of a briefcase, but it has a handle.

[Thomas]
Yeah. It’s the size of a briefcase, but the weight of a weight set.

[Shep]
Yeah. My second one is, so I’m thinking of can openers as metaphors for gaining access. So you have someone wearing metal armor, or you have someone behind the thick metal walls of a safe room or a prize McGuffin inside a vault, and then the tool used to get inside is nicknamed “the can opener”. You could make a heist movie out of this or a suspenseful trying to survive The Purge in your safe room, but they have a can opener.

[Thomas]
I do like the idea of a kid going back in time with a Swiss Army knife, and he uses the can opener to open somebody’s armor up.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
I’m just picturing, like, he opens the helmet from the top.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Okay. And my last one is, a can opener as metaphor for opening up. So, example picture a support group where they pass around a can opener to signify whose turn it is to speak, as in opening up about their emotions.

[Thomas]
Shep I’m surprised you didn’t have a pitch about a bunch of lawyers who have a ritual involving a can opener.

[Shep]
What do you-

[Thomas]
I don’t know. I’m referencing a show I’ve never watched.

[Emily]
Oh, yeah. I know what you’re talking about. And I totally forgot about that part until I was doing the research and was like, I forgot that was a thing. And I guess they explained it.

[Shep]
What?

[Thomas and Emily]
It’s from Suits.

[Shep]
I’ve never seen Suits. Why would you think I’ve ever seen Suits?

[Emily]
It’s a good show.

[Shep]
Do I like good shows or shows in general?

[Emily]
No.

[Shep]
What’s the last show I watched, Emily?

[Emily]
The Good Place?

[Shep]
It was The Storyteller. We talked about it. It was in the 1980s.

[Thomas]
You walked into a room and a TV was on. You went, “Not for me.”

[Shep]
Yeah. Like, “No, thanks. Sesame Street? You can keep it.”

[Thomas]
Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope nope….

[Shep]
Haha! I mean, I don’t get that reference. Damn it. Busted immediately.

[Thomas]
All right, Emily, let’s hear yours.

[Emily]
Are you guys in for a roller coaster.

[Shep]
I’m really hoping you got good pitches, Emily, because we’re counting on you.

[Emily]
I promise nothing ever. Can Opener was really hard.

[Thomas]
Yes, I agree.

[Shep]
Yeah. They’re made of metal. They’re supposed to be hard.

[Emily]
This whole episode is just going to be puns.

[Shep]
Oh, no.

[Emily]
Very little story.

[Thomas]
Yeah. If this is your first episode-

[Emily]
Don’t.

[Thomas]
Just stop. Just pick a different one. Pick any other one.

[Emily]
All right. A newly married couple is about to celebrate their first year of marriage. They don’t have a lot of money to take a fancy trip or get each other elaborate gifts. The husband decides he wants to get his wife something practical, something she could really use that would be helpful in her daily life. He decides on the perfect gift, an electric can opener. She’s been using the same old rusty one for years now, and it’d be easier for both of them to add this convenient appliance to their kitchen. When his wife opens the gift instead of joy or even, like, simple, “Oh, that’s great,” she just starts crying and refuses to talk to him the rest of the night.

[Shep]
Because she had sold all of her cans to buy him-

[Emily]
I knew you were going to go there, and I almost wrote that in there. The next day, he asks her why she’s so upset. She avoids the conversation by saying, “Oh, it’s just PMS. Everything’s fine now.” But clearly everything is not fine, because when a woman says “It’s fine”-

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
And the poor man has no idea why the can opener would make her cry. So, turns out she’s been using that rusty old can opener because it was the only thing she had left from her childhood home and her family, who perished in a fire while she was at a sleepover. It’s a heartwarming tale about grief and moving on from the past.

[Shep]
Heartwarming? They perished in a fire, Emily. Too soon. Well, that pitch took a turn.

[Thomas]
Right?

[Emily]
Told you, I said, “Get ready for a roller coaster.”

[Shep]
You know what else turns? Can openers.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Hey.

[Shep]
It all ties together.

[Emily]
All goes together.

[Shep]
Why is she keeping it a secret?

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
That’s the part I don’t understand.

[Thomas]
How does how does he not know? That’s what I wanted to know.

[Emily]
That’s an excellent question. Maybe she’s never opened up about it to anybody else.

[Shep]
Ah. Opened.

[Thomas]
They go to a support group, and she’s got the can opener of the support group…

[Emily]
He knows that they died. How about that?

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
He knows that they died.

[Thomas]
Sure.

[Emily]
He knows, like, how they died. He just, he doesn’t think this is the can opener from that.

[Thomas]
I could see them moving in together, and he’s like, “Okay, what do we need to get? Oh, you already have a can opener? Perfect. That’s one fewer thing we need to buy.”

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
He doesn’t even think about it beyond that.

[Shep]
No. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How does he not have a can opener if he’s, you know what I mean? Everybody’s got a can opener. If he’s living on his own-

[Thomas]
Hey, SpaghettiOs, have a pull tab now. So.

[Shep]
See, in my mind, this movie was set older, before pull tabs took over everything. Yeah. Why are we making… This episode is gonna have to come with a disclaimer, like, “Hey, kids, can openers used to be a thing people used to use before pull tabs were on every can.”

[Thomas]
Clearly, this needs to be set in the past.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
All right. So my second one, I know you guys will be shocked by this one. There’s a serial killer in the city-

[Shep]
Oh.

[Thomas]
Whaaaat?

[Emily]
Cutting his victims throats, wrists, and elbows, leaving the victims to bleed out-

[Thomas]
Elbows?

[Emily]
Inside elbows.

[Thomas]
Oh, okay.

[Emily]
I should be more specific.

[Shep]
No, he’s gotta be, he’s got to be opening the head around and taking the brain out.

[Emily]
No.

[Thomas]
I just imagine him, like, sneaking up behind people in the park and getting them on the back of the elbow. It was, how does that kill them? Like, “Oh, no. Sepsis in a month.”

[Emily]
That stuns them. And then he can wrestle them to the ground.

[Thomas]
You got tetanus without realizing it.

[Emily]
He leaves his victims to bleed out. The coroner, Reggie Wilkins, cannot pin down the murder weapon, though. He just knows it’s a small, curved blade that produces jagged cuts. How are the police supposed to catch a killer if they don’t even know what’s being used? Without that crucial information, they wouldn’t even be able to convict the culprit if they caught him. He has a moment of inspiration when he’s helping his nephew go through his brother’s things and comes across his Marine issued P38 can opener. Now, it’ll be easier to find the killer, but can they do it before he claims another victim?

[Shep]
Well, if that’s the murder weapon, then it’s his brother.

[Emily]
No. I mean-

[Shep]
We solved it.

[Emily]
Not that specific can opener, but a can opener like it.

[Shep]
Well, let’s see if that holds up in court.

[Emily]
So those are my pitches.

[Shep]
Well, which one of these jumps out at us as being a great story about a can opener?

[Emily]
One of these we have to be able to-

[Shep]
I think that we can take any of these and beat it into a story.

[Thomas]
The question is, which one?

[Shep]
Let’s go for the very first one. What was the first one? That was the-

[Emily]
The industrial can opener guy.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Company makes industrial can openers for restaurants and hotels and a repairman for that company travels around the country working the machines?

[Thomas]
Working on the machines, like, fixing them and tuning them up and stuff.

[Shep]
So he’s not working as a can opener.

[Thomas]
Correct.

[Shep]
Operating a can opener to open cans. No, he’s fixing mechanical can openers.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
On one job he sees or hears something he shouldn’t, putting his life at risk. Or maybe he finds something.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Maybe someone is on the run, and they have the McGuffin jump drive and they hide it in a place people won’t look. Like the back of a can opener.

[Thomas]
Right. It’s in that place they put that thing that time.

[Shep]
Yes, exactly.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And so he finds that. He doesn’t know what it is.

[Emily]
Now, these industrial can openers, are they like, is that a thing? Industrial electric can-

[Thomas]
It is in this movie.

[Emily]
All right, cool.

[Shep]
Don’t overthink it, Emily.

[Emily]
No, you don’t get to say that to me.

[Shep]
What does overthinking really mean?

[Thomas]
Let’s dive in.

[Shep]
So over means above. Okay. What if instead of finding something, the can opener itself was used in a murder?

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Okay. How?

[Shep]
I don’t know how, but somehow.

[Thomas]
You know, these industrial machines are always, like, preposterously dangerous.

[Emily]
They are.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Thomas]
And so somehow, someone has taken advantage of whatever dangerous aspect it has, some super sharp, high-speed blade, and they’ve murdered a person with it somehow.

[Emily]
Right. I was going to say it is probably some super high strength deep blade, because the big giant ass industrial cans, so he’s shoved someone underneath it and pulled the lever, and that has cut open their head. So we get some really gruesome murder in there.

[Thomas]
We get Shep’s head cut off thing.

[Emily]
Head cut off.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Okay. So why is the repairman working on this can opener that has recently been used in a murder?

[Emily]
Does anybody else know? Does he figure it out? Does he overhear the conversation or find hair and clumps of blood in the gears?

[Shep]
Oh, they just want to replace it. They got a new industrial can opener because this one was used in a murder, so they just replace it. They buy a new one. They clean it up, but they miss chunks of whatever. But the guy, the repairman, he drops off the new can opener, takes the old can opener, and that’s when he discovers, oh, there’s like, a finger in here or something.

[Emily]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
A finger would be good because it has fingerprints on it. Well it has one fingerprint on it.

[Thomas]
I like the idea of the machine is there. The victim is there. Like, they’ve made no attempt to clean it up. The police have called him in for some reason, they need an expert about the machine.

[Shep]
So he’s a police consultant.

[Thomas]
Yes.

[Shep]
A can opening operator. It’s a very niche job, but if you get it, you’re the one.

[Emily]
Well, I like the idea of maybe they don’t have the victim’s body. Like somehow the mobsters got the body out already, but somebody had called before the crime scene got cleaned up. So they have, like, the guy who did it and the body. But the guy who did it is not talking about who the body is. And so they call the repairman in to get the finger out to see if they can figure out who the guy is and that sort of thing.

[Thomas]
I like that. So the body is gone. The mess is still there-

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
And so the police know something crazy happened here. There’s all sorts of blood and stuff. But the machine is really complicated and very dangerous, obviously. And so, yeah, they have to call the repairman in to disassemble it, to get at the inner workings, to get- I mean, why wouldn’t they just swab for blood and pull out little bits of hair and-

[Shep]
Well, they had one of the rookie cops try to fish something out, but he gets his hand caught in and all his fingers cut off.

[Thomas]
Oh, god.

[Shep]
It’s a dangerous machine.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Thomas]
So I like, there’s already sort of an adversarial relationship happening where the cops are like, “Yeah, you know, we tried to do-” and the guy’s like, “Well, you shouldn’t have. These things are super dangerous.”

[Emily]
“I don’t even know why we sell them to restaurants.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
“It’s the old model. The new ones have safety features.”

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah. He comes in, he’s like, “Oh, my god, I can’t believe someone’s still using one of these.”

[Shep]
Yeah, “This isn’t up the code. This hasn’t been up to code since the 1850s when it was invented.”

[Thomas]
“Yeah, we haven’t sold this model in 40 years.”

[Shep]
Right. It’s a New York it’s, you know-

[Thomas]
Some old deli.

[Shep]
So, yeah. If there’s so many things in a deli that can kill you, why would they use the can opener?

[Emily]
So would the mobsters… So they’re not caught. They just know that there was a murder. They don’t know who, and they don’t know who by. So are the mobsters going to be then coming after the can opener guy because he took the machine back with him?

[Shep]
Why would the police let him take it back with him if it knowingly has evidence in it?

[Emily]
That’s an excellent point. So never mind.

[Shep]
Here’s a question. Does the can opener guy help the police, or does he not? Because he knows that if he did, he would cross the mob.

[Thomas]
He’s aware that it’s a mob-owned deli.

[Shep]
Yeah, it’s New York.

[Emily]
Just de facto.

[Thomas]
He just assumes yeah. I think he reluctantly helps the police. I mean, who is the victim and who committed the murder? Maybe if we figure that out, that’ll help. Is it the mob? Or is it just-

[Shep]
Coincidence?

[Thomas]
Are we married to the mob, or-

[Shep]
Okay, so the mayor’s daughter is missing. So you think maybe she’s the victim, but she’s the killer. She killed her drug dealer, but she was high at the time.

[Emily]
No, he was trying to rape her, and she has standards.

[Shep]
Yeah, she was about to be raped. She’s like, “No.”

[Thomas]
“No, thank you.”

[Shep]
“No, thank you.” So do we want to have it? Mayor’s daughter murdered drug dealer?

[Emily]
Sure.

[Thomas]
I mean, that would definitely be very unexpected. So I like that.

[Shep]
It would be unexpected. And she went in hiding because she’s afraid, even though it was self-defense.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Well, yeah, but still, it was a drug dealer. She was buying drugs. It’ll disgrace her father.

[Shep]
Right. She was committing a crime buying drugs when he tried to take advantage of her, and she killed him in self-defense. Or maybe she pushed him away and he fell into the can opener, hit the back of his head, and just zipped his head around, popped the top of his skull off.

[Emily]
So don’t overthink this suggestion because I am already questioning it myself. Maybe the can opener repairman sees, like, a earring or something that he recognizes as hers. I don’t know why he knows her yet. We can figure that part out.

[Shep]
She was the mayor’s daughter. She’s famous. She was in the newspaper wearing that same earring.

[Emily]
But he knows her personally, so he decides to keep that a secret, knowing either she’s the victim or the murderer.

[Thomas]
I was thinking sort of along the same lines of what you were saying, but instead of the can opener repairman, knowing immediately that it was her, perhaps they find a bunch of DNA on it. There’s her hair, the cop’s blood, somebody else’s blood. And this is a dangerous machine. Maybe somebody accidentally cut themselves recently on it. So there’s that person’s blood also, and they’re a suspect.

[Emily]
This can opener is just full of blood.

[Shep]
Yeah. Yes. Very dangerous.

[Thomas]
Well, but it’s like, up in an area where you wouldn’t see-

[Emily]
Yeah. No. Yeah, I know.

[Thomas]
Never gets cleaned properly because, you know.

[Shep]
Well, I like that it’s the crime scene is a mess because that makes it- is this a mystery movie? Is that what we’ve done?

[Thomas]
It seems like it doesn’t it.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Shep]
Our can opener repairman is our hard-boiled detective reluctantly solving this death that he doesn’t want to be part of because he’s pulled into it.

[Emily]
So when he’s pulled in, say, by the mob to help them, is that what we’ve decided?

[Shep]
I think he’s first pulled in by the cops.

[Emily]
Well, yeah.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
Because it’s got a, you know, “For service call this number.”

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
So they call that number, and he’s the guy that comes out, and he disassembles the machine and takes out the other cop’s fingers, and-

[Thomas]
Now, he’s got to wrap him up in, like, butcher paper right there on the can-

[Shep]
Is this a comedy mystery movie? Is this like-

[Thomas]
It can have comedic elements. Maybe he’s a can opener repairman with a sense of humor.

[Emily]
He sees this all the time.

[Thomas]
Yeah, he’s like, “Oh, it’s a four-finger job.”

[Shep]
What were those comedy mystery movies that Peter Falk were in? Murder by Death was one of them. The Cheap Detective. That was the other one. Well, I’m saying, just, you know, taking the fingers and putting them in butcher paper and wrapping them up for the cops is something that you could get away with in a spoof movie.

[Emily]
Correct.

[Thomas]
I mean, we are talking about a murder that happened because of a can opener slicing the top of someone’s head off.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
So.

[Emily]
I mean, I think we maybe we go for the farce because I think it’ll be too hard if we try to make this a serious movie.

[Shep]
So when he gets called in by the mob afterward and they have that, you know, the big fish tank, it’s just full of red herring.

[Emily]
I love it.

[Thomas]
Yes.

[Emily]
Well, I like I like having a confrontation then between him and the mob, and he’s like, “I repair can openers. What do you want me to do?”

[Shep]
That excuse never works, though.

[Emily]
No, it doesn’t. But-

[Thomas]
Yeah. “It’s bringing too much heat on the deli.” And then you see, like, the cold case, everything’s melting.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Thomas]
Our National Lampoon murder mystery here.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Emily]
So how does he solve it? What kind of clues does he follow to-

[Shep]
I liked the thing where he finds an earring.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah. We can stuff anything up there because if it’s a National Lampoon style comedy and you could put a whole horse in there, it literally doesn’t matter.

[Emily]
Right, right.

[Thomas]
Like, whatever you want.

[Emily]
Okay,

[Thomas]
So yeah.

[Shep]
Why does he keep the earring rather than giving it to the cops?

[Emily]
That was my next question.

[Thomas]
He has to know her, and he’s like, “Oh, my god, I gave her these earrings,” or something like that.

[Shep]
He doesn’t, it’s so much of a coincidence. Maybe he just nicks the earring. He wants to give it as a gift to his mistress. Maybe he’ll find another one and he’ll have two.

[Emily]
Maybe it’s a necklace and not just an earring. So he’s already got one piece of jewelry.

[Shep]
A necklace is better because then he doesn’t need two. So when she was attacked, he grabbed her and her necklace came off in his hand, and when he fell back into the machine, it got whipped up.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
That makes sense.

[Shep]
Yep. We solved it.

[Emily]
Whoo!

[Thomas]
So there has to be something about the pendant. It’s one of those, like, religious ones. They’re like, oh, that’s significant for whatever reason. Emily, you’re the religious one here. Wouldn’t there be some sort of-

[Emily]
Could be some saint.

[Thomas]
Saint or something she could have? And-

[Emily]
Yeah, could be some saint thing. We could-

[Thomas]
Is there a sacrament type of thing where you would get a gift of, like, “Oh, you’ve completed this sacrament. Here’s a special pendant.”

[Emily]
Probably for confirmation, you would get your saint pendant. That could be something.

[Thomas]
All right, so it could be that. And then would it be feasible that it would have some sort of inscription?

[Emily]
Yeah. So it would probably be just like a little image of the saint, and then on the back, some inscription of theirs that they said, or prayer or something.

[Thomas]
Could it be something like, on the occasion of their confirmation at such and such parish, that gives our guy somewhere to go?

[Emily]
Yeah. It could absolutely be engraved, the date and the parish and like, maybe her initials.

[Shep]
I’m thinking of the Emo Phillips joke, where he’s the guy on the bridge, and it’s, you know, Northern Conservative Baptist. Great Lakes Region Council of 1879. It’s hyper hyper hyper specific.

[Thomas]
Yeah. The back of the pendant folds down a couple times, fit it all on there. Why does the cop bring him along?

[Shep]
Who?

[Thomas]
The repairman. Why would the repairman go to the next-

[Emily]
I thought he was working for the mob at this point.

[Shep]
Yeah, he is the detective, the reluctant detective. He’s not really a detective. He’s a repairman. But he’s been press ganged into service for the mob. So he gets called in by the cops, disassembles the machine, steals the necklace.

[Thomas]
Okay, why does he steal the necklace?

[Shep]
It’s gold and he’s poor. He’s a repairman. This is valuable. Look at this thing.

[Emily]
He’s just that kind of guy who takes things when he can.

[Shep]
Yeah, “I turned in all of the fingers that I found. That’s what they asked for.”

[Emily]
He’s not a good guy.

[Shep]
Yeah. He’s not a good guy. He’s just a guy.

[Thomas]
So do we have him, like, shoplifting earlier or something like that to establish he’s got sticky fingers?

[Shep]
You can have him just casually shoplifting, whatever. On the way to the place, he stops by a bodega and, like, puts something in his pocket and then pays for his coffee.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Steals a napkin, some silverware on his way to the back of the kitchen.

[Shep]
Yeah. If it’s a farce, then he’s helping himself to the silverware as he’s walking back to the- What silverware do they have at a deli? It’s not silver.

[Thomas]
Plasticware.

[Emily]
I forgot it was a deli.

[Thomas]
Actually. It probably would make more sense if it was a hotel. A mob owned hotel.

[Shep]
Oh, yeah. Okay. Let’s go back to that. Mob owned hotel. That was your original suggestion.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that would make more sense. So they could have nice silverware. It could be a fancy fine dining restaurant.

[Shep]
I can see everything about the scene. He walks in and there’s, like, food prepared because they’re still open. So he picks up a fork and he takes a bite of a cake.

[Thomas]
Yeah. He’s standing at the pass, the expediting window, and he just, like, picks up a plate of food. Somebody puts it up there and rings the bell, and he picks it up and just starts casually eating it while he’s talking to somebody. Nobody reacts.

[Shep]
Yeah. So when we see him steal the necklace, we don’t think anything of it because of course he’s going to steal it. The cops didn’t mention it.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So he puts it in his pocket with all this other stuff and doesn’t think anything of it other than maybe he’ll sell it or he’ll pawn it for money, or he’ll give it away as a gift, but then later-

[Thomas]
On his way out, the mob grabs him.

[Shep]
Yeah. Immediately.

[Thomas]
Remember that scene in Airplane where everyone’s lined up to slap the woman?

[Shep]
Yes.

[Thomas]
Maybe it’s kind of like that, where it’s like the cops are done with him, and then now it’s the mob’s turn to-

[Shep]
The mob has the ticket number two.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
All right.

[Thomas]
Now serving.

[Shep]
So they take him to the Godfather’s mansion. Godfather’s getting pressure from the cops.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
They don’t think their guys did it, but they want this guy to solve it because he was there, and that’s why he has to use the necklace to find the next location in the mystery that we’re following.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
All right, so he’s going-

[Thomas]
So he goes to a cathedral or whatever.

[Emily]
Some religious building of some sort.

[Thomas]
Yeah. And he goes in and finds the priest and shows them the pendant.

[Shep]
The priests are all nervous because they hear he’s investigating something, and they’re like, “Oh, it wasn’t me.”

[Emily]
“I was in Rome that weekend, I swear.”

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Or there’s a big button on the wall for when cops come.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
They press it and the priests scramble. You see the side doors open and, like, altar boys running out. How absurdist do you want to make it?

[Thomas]
That’s a little too real. So.

[Shep]
Sometimes things are too real to be funny.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Where does he find her? Is she, because I thought that she would be at one of the churches in sanctuary, which wouldn’t be revealed on the first visit.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So the priest has to say something that tips him off so that he comes back there later.

[Thomas]
We have the scene later in the movie when someone- He puts the, connects those dots. He remembers the priest saying that, and the camera pulls out, and the priest is there repeating it into his ear, like-

[Shep]
I thought that he would remember the scene at the cathedral, and then in that scene, when we look at it again from his perspective, she’s there, like, just further down.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
So the priest throws him off and sends him on a wild goose chase.

[Thomas]
So the priest must recognize the pendant immediately, especially if it’s the mayor’s daughter.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Also if that it came from that church.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Well, yeah, because then you can make a Thornbirds joke and it could have been a gift he gave her.

[Shep]
And Thornbirds is so topical right now.

[Emily]
I know. So many people are- Fine, it’s a Fleabag reference. And then she’s having sex with the priest.

[Shep]
So how does the mayor come into it? Because so far he hasn’t exerted any pressure, except potentially on the cops that we don’t see. So it’s got to be (or, it doesn’t got to be), but it could be where the priest is sending him on the wild goose chase, sends him into the arms of the mayor.

[Thomas]
What if, when the police are talking to him, initially, they’re like, “We need you to hurry up and get these fingers out of here so we can send them off to the lab. The mayor is breathing down our necks.” And then when he talks to the mob, he’s like, “We need you to hurry up and figure out what’s going on here. The mayor’s breathing down our necks.”

[Shep]
Is the mayor there in the room, like, leaning over one of them?

[Emily]
Does the mayor start to suspect maybe his daughter isn’t the victim so much as the killer?

[Thomas]
I mean, what would they suspect? If they find out she’s still alive, they would assume there’s somebody else, is the killer, and she was a potential victim who managed to get away. In fact, that could even be the story she goes with at first, and that she was scared, and that’s why she’s claimed sanctuary at the cathedral, to hide out there.

[Shep]
Who is she hiding from? She’s got to be hiding from the cops because she thinks they’re going to get her for murder.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
And drugs. Because she bought drugs.

[Shep]
And drugs. Yes.

[Thomas]
And really, we’ve established it’s not actually even a murder.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
Yeah, she’s more concerned about the drugs.

[Shep]
Now. Does he know she’s alive, at this point in time? He’s got to not know yet.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
The audience can’t know yet. That’s got to be the twist, is that she wasn’t the victim.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
She was the killer, but it was okay because it was self-defense, or it’s okay because she’s rich and white, and this is America.

[Emily]
I mean, there’s that.

[Thomas]
So she could have said, if someone comes looking for me, tell them whatever.

[Shep]
Oh, do they even know who it is yet? If there’s no body at the scene- Why was there no body at the scene of the crime?

[Thomas]
Maybe there is.

[Shep]
Was the mob trying to clean up the mess because they thought maybe one of their own did it, and then the cops show up? Okay, so I think at this point in time, the repairman is looking for clues on who the victim was, who he thinks the victim was, in this case, her.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
So he goes to the church, not knowing she’s there, but just trying to figure out whose pendant is this. And the priest tells him whose pendant it was, doesn’t tell him that she’s alive and she’s here. But just knowing the name is enough for him to call his cop friend, the detective actually assigned to the case and who’s like “I shouldn’t tell you this, but she lives at such and such address” and sends him to the next location, which is her apartment or her house or whatever.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Thomas]
Would she not just live with her dad?

[Shep]
Well, she would live with her dad. She’s a daddy’s girl. She’s spoiled. But she’s got to have a house on the side.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah, a secret apartment.

[Emily]
You can have a party palace.

[Thomas]
Yeah. There you go.

[Shep]
He shows up, and there’s just still a party going on.

[Thomas]
Everyone’s like, “The drug dealer is here.” He’s like, “What?”

[Shep]
That would be funny if he had stole drugs earlier from the restaurant.

[Thomas]
I like that idea of the body being there. And it’s the drug dealer, and the cops are going through his pockets. So he squats down next to them like, “Uh huh.” And he’s, like going through the pockets too. He’s, like putting things in, like coke and and joints and stuff in his pocket. Or they’re putting things in an evidence bag, and they’re like handing it around, and everyone’s putting it in there. And he puts stuff in the evidence bag and then just sticks the whole thing in his pocket.

[Shep]
That’s funny. If you see him putting the stuff in, then you think he’s going to hand it to the next because that’s what they’ve all done.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
And then he just rolls it up and puts it in his pocket.

[Thomas]
Yeah. So then yeah, when he gets to the party- Oh, okay. So when he gets to the party, some dude there, some burnout is like, “Hey, man, did you bring some drugs?” And he’s like, “Actually…” and he pulls it out and hands it to him and doesn’t think anything of it. And then later, when it turns out, like, her drug dealer is implicated, everyone’s like, “Oh, he was at the party dealing drugs.” And they like, draw a sketch of him.

[Shep]
That’s great for mounting pressure as the movie goes on, because now the cops are after him, the mayor’s after him, the mob’s after him.

[Thomas]
Right. Everyone thinks that he killed her.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
Yeah. This seems like a fantastic place to take a quick break.

[Shep]
Oh, no.

[Emily]
I agree.

[Thomas]
Speaking of mounting pressure, when we come back, hopefully we’ll solve the rest of our murder and complete our movie for can opener.

[Break]

[Thomas]
All right, we’re back. Our main character is investigating what he believes to be the murder of the mayor’s daughter. He has gone to her secret party residence, like an apartment, I guess, that she keeps for her drug fueled parties.

[Emily]
Party palace.

[Thomas]
Party palace. And what does he learn there that sends him on the next path? I actually think it would be funny if somebody there suggests that she was with her drug dealer. So he tells the cops that it was the drug dealer.

[Shep]
That’s funny, because later on, they think he’s the drug dealer.

[Thomas]
Exactly.

[Shep]
Yeah, that works out really well.

[Thomas]
So somebody at this party tells him that she has a drug dealer and that maybe they were seen. Or maybe the person at the party even says she was supposed to meet him at the hotel, which is where the drug dealer works, perhaps. So he’s like, “Oh, it’s got to be the drug dealer.” So now he’s probably pursuing that person. He probably assumes the drug dealer is the murderer. He still assumes that the mayor’s daughter is the victim. Right?

[Shep]
Yes. So that’s what he tells the detective, that it’s the drug dealer.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
He’s the murderer.

[Thomas]
So does he end up going back to the hotel to find more evidence? Maybe he goes through the drug dealer’s locker or something or what’s the-

[Shep]
Yeah, that’s the next logical-

[Thomas]
Or does he have an address or something?

[Shep]
Well, to go back to the hotel would let us reuse that set.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s true.

[Shep]
Just saying.

[Thomas]
The mob hassles him some more.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Thomas]
Oh, they’ve got to be using the can opener machine already.

[Shep]
It’s just spraying blood out on everyone that uses it.

[Thomas]
As the can is going around, there’s, like, blood dripping down the front of the can.

[Shep]
I was thinking that it was, like, spraying into the face of whoever’s, so you see them, like, just put on goggles before they do it. It’s like, it’s a job.

[Thomas]
Work hazard.

[Shep]
Yup.

[Thomas]
All right, so he goes back to the hotel, digs through the guy’s locker probably. What does he find?

[Shep]
Well, you can find anything in this, because we know that it’s a wild goose chase. So what’s the next place? What is the place that can send him that gets him in the most trouble so that we have him on the run forever? It’s got to send him to, like, the mayor’s house or something.

[Thomas]
I was thinking that. Or the airport. It looks like he’s trying to run. Or we could pick somewhere totally bonkers to send him.

[Shep]
Okay, how do we tie this all together? If we send him to the mayor’s house, but then from the mayor’s house, he maybe goes to the airport, but that’s when the mayor and the cops and the mob are all after him, because they all think that he’s the guy at that point, and he’s trying to run.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
And then does he go to the air- actually go to the airport, or does he go to the Cathedral? Or does he go to the airport first and then go to the cathedral? He’s got to figure it out around that time.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
I think you go to the airport first.

[Thomas]
Yeah. I know this is really typical, but is there a locker at the airport?

[Shep]
Yes, because there was a locker at the-

[Thomas]
There’s a there’s a drugs dead drop in a locker at the airport. So he goes, he’s got a key. Doesn’t know that that’s what’s in the locker, but-

[Shep]
Oh, he got a key from her party place that looks like a locker key. So when he’s investigating the guy, the drug dealer at the hotel and trying to open his locker, he tries that key first, and it doesn’t work. But then it does work at the airport.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Why does she have an airport locker?

[Thomas]
For the drugs or whatever else.

[Shep]
Why does she need- It’s got to be something other than drugs.

[Thomas]
Knockoff purses.

[Shep]
It’s a bunch of Chinatown DVDs.

[Thomas]
Yeah, just bottles of y-. That’d be very funny. Just bottles of Yoohoo.

[Emily]
Ooh, salacious pictures of other young celebrities.

[Shep]
Salacious, pictures of the priest!

[Emily]
Oh, there you go.

[Shep]
At the cathedral who she’s blackmailing into letting her stay there.

[Emily]
That works.

[Shep]
So what does he do at the mayor’s house?

[Thomas]
He needs to be trying to get into her room for some reason, which looks super suspicious if he’s caught breaking into her room.

[Emily]
Steals her underwear accidentally.

[Shep]
He does steal things all the time.

[Emily]
Well, I mean, he’s looking for things, like through drawers or whatever while he’s at the mayor’s house. Maybe that’s where he finds the airport key is at the mayor’s house. Like he gets-

[Shep]
No, because we want him to establish that it’s a locker key at the hotel, but he doesn’t realize that it’s an airport key until the mayor’s house. I like, if he’s going through stuff and he spills something nail polish or something on his hand, and that’s why it’s sticky. So when he’s going through the drawers later, that’s why her underwear sticks to his hand.

[Thomas]
He literally has sticky fingers.

[Emily]
Well, I was thinking he was going through the drawers, and he’s just not thinking about it. And he’s just putting the underwear in his pockets to get them out of the way. And then he leaves with pockets full of underwear.

[Shep]
Well, because if it’s stuck to his hand, he can’t get rid of it. So when the maid comes in and he’s like, “No, no,” he’s, like, shaking panties at her, and he’s like-

[Emily]
I like that more.

[Thomas]
That’s very funny. And then does he, does he zip line out of her room to escape? And the panties actually help provide insulation. He holds onto them over the (mimes holding cable line). He’s like, “It actually worked out really well.”

[Shep]
And they fall off right afterward because the joke is over and you don’t need them anymore.

[Thomas]
Yeah, right. No, if this is absurdist, then there’s like, you know, those the bicycle but it’s like a chest freezer bicycle thing with the bell.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Right. It’s one of those and he’s selling nail polish remover.

[Shep]
If we’re going for farce, that’s it.

[Thomas]
Yeah. So how does he realize the key is an airport key? Maybe there’s a tag on the key that says B 32. And he’s like, “Oh, it’s the airport.”

[Shep]
There’s a tag on the key that says airport, and he just hadn’t turned it over.

[Emily]
Maybe something else drives them to the airport. Like she had a plane ticket for that day. Like she was going to go somewhere with somebody to Mexico or something.

[Thomas]
Oh, God. It would be amazing if the repairman and the mayor have the same last name and the daughter and the repairman have the same first initial. So the ticket is for, like, ‘A. Melman’ or whatever.

[Shep]
Yep. That’s the kind of absurdist humor I’m looking for. That’s why the maid lets him into the house. She thinks he’s a family member.

[Thomas]
I was gonna say. Or maybe the daughter uses the mother’s maiden name.

[Shep]
Ooh.

[Thomas]
And so it’s not super obvious at first. Because he doesn’t have the same name as the mayor.

[Shep]
Yeah. Right.

[Thomas]
He just happens to have the same… We don’t need to establish that until the very end. Or maybe there’s just, like, his business card and he gives it to somebody early on when he’s first called in.

[Shep]
The cops know who he is. The cops call him by name.

[Thomas]
Or like the sticker says, “Oh, need to service this machine? Call A. Melman at blah, blah, blah, blah.” We don’t call super attention to it, but it’s there. We’ve set it up. But everyone calls him by his first name, Andrew, whatever. But, yeah, I like that joke. So he has a ticket, an airplane ticket to, like, Columbia or something for A. Melman for that day.

[Shep]
Yep. So he goes to the airport. He opens the locker. What does he oh, that’s when he finds the blackmail photos. I remember now.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Emily]
Blackmail photos of the priest.

[Shep]
And it’s about this time that everybody in the city is chasing after him?

[Emily]
Yeah, because now they all think he’s the drug dealer.

[Shep]
They think he’s the drug dealer. He has a ticket to Columbia. Like, there’s a TV in the airport, and it’s is playing a news report with, like, his photo from earlier that he looks goofy and guilty.

[Emily]
Some cell phone snapchat of him handing the drugs over at the party.

[Shep]
“Known drug dealer, A. Melman-“

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
“Is attempting to flee the country.”

[Thomas]
So when he leaves the drugs party and calls the detective to say “It’s definitely the drug dealer,” maybe he’s, like, “Come to this place. These people know who the drug dealer is. They can give you a sketch or a description.”

[Shep]
A description.

[Thomas]
So we establish it. Like, that’s sort of starting to happen in the background. And then because the police and the mayor and the mob are all working together, that gets distributed to everybody immediately. Maybe there’s, like, a meeting somewhere, and they’re handing it out to everybody.

[Shep]
Right. It’s the bullpen. All the cops are there.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
Like, “This is the guy.”

[Thomas]
They’re handing it, like, through the bars in the holding cell, just everybody.

[Shep]
So, like, for the rest of the movie, people are asking him, “How much for weed?”

[Thomas]
Yeah, that’s great.

[Shep]
So he still doesn’t know that she’s the perpetrator. It’s revealed when he gets to the cathedral.

[Emily]
Yeah, because now he thinks it could be- It’s another red herring for him. He now thinks it could be the priest because he’s being blackmailed by her. So the priest has killed her and it wasn’t the drug dealer after all.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
So he goes to confront the priest.

[Shep]
Being chased by the cops and the mob who then surround the cathedral.

[Thomas]
They got to hit the cops button again in the cathedral.

[Shep]
What happens this time? The second time when you call back to it?

[Thomas]
Oh, the same thing. Everyone goes scrambling and running around, except this time the cops are actually raiding the place. And so the priest is like, “Come on, I know where we can hide.” Takes him down into the crypt or whatever. That’s where she is. And then he’s surprised to see her alive.

[Shep]
No, he’s got to accuse the priest first. He’s got to have all this evidence.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
He’s worked it all out. He’s solved the mystery.

[Emily]
Right.

[Shep]
He knows it’s the priest.

[Thomas]
Right. He’s all smug. He’s doing the whole big explainer.

[Shep]
Right.

[Emily]
Yeah. And then that would explain why the priest set him on this wild goose chase and-

[Thomas]
Right. He does take him down to the crypt because he’s like, “Oh, he’s going to show me the body. He’s going to confess.” She’s just hiding in a utility closet.

[Shep]
No, she’s got, like, a fancy room.

[Thomas]
Yeah, there’s, like, a whole media room down there.

[Shep]
She’s spoiled.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
She’s getting your nails done. There’s, like, 50 people.

[Thomas]
There’s a rave.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
They’re all drinking communion wine.

[Thomas]
It’s a rave, but it’s all, like, different religious people, so there’s, like, Hasidic Jews and Hare Krishna.

[Emily]
Amish.

[Thomas]
Yeah, yeah!

[Shep]
I’m just picturing Amish with, like, a bunch of glow sticks and-

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Like, “What is…?” The priest is, like, “Coexist, man.”

[Thomas]
So he takes our main character, our detective character detective, our can opener repairman down there, and he’s like, “No, you have it all wrong. I’ll take you to see her.” They go down into the crypt, and so the guy’s like, “You’re not helping your case here.” They go into the rave room, and he’s like, “What?” And she’s there. She’s DJing the rave.

[Shep]
Yeah. Yes.

[Emily]
Now I picture Paris Hilton playing this part.

[Shep]
Paris Hilton. 20 years ago.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
No, Paris Hilton now, pretending it’s 20 years ago.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
So are the cops raiding upstairs or is that not happened yet?

[Emily]
I think they’re raiding upstairs because that’s one of the reasons they went downstairs. Right?

[Thomas]
I mean, he could just be taking him down there to prove his innocence, because he realizes, “Okay, this looks bad for me, but I can show you that it’s not me.”

[Shep]
I’m trying to figure out how we can bring the can opener back into it.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
The wrong location.

[Thomas]
So they escape through the steam tunnels to the hotel.

[Shep]
It’s that close. They’re all next to each other.

[Thomas]
I mean, it could be. We can pass some time of them going through the steam tunnels. There’s a literal underground railroad.

[Shep]
Yep.

[Thomas]
There’s, what else?

[Shep]
I mean, it’s New York. There is a literal underground railroad. That’s not-

[Thomas]
That’s true. There are sailors being shanghaied. Trying to think of all the underground type of stuff that I’m familiar with.

[Emily]
There’s just random coal miners.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
So they make their way back to the hotel.

[Thomas]
So how do how do we bring the can opener back into it, though?

[Shep]
Someone’s got to use the can opener to kill someone.

[Emily]
Who do we need to kill?

[Shep]
The priest.

[Emily]
Why are we killing the priest? Because he is actually bad?

[Thomas]
Are we going for a Chinatown ending here?

[Shep]
No.

[Thomas]
Okay.

[Shep]
The priest set up the drug dealer to attack her, hoping that it would lead her to seek sanctuary with him. Right. Because the priest was in love with her.

[Emily]
Okay.

[Shep]
So everything that happened was his fault. And now that things are falling apart, it seemed like the plan worked. She was there, she was staying with him. She was within reach. And this can opener repairman has to come in and ruin everything. So he pulls out a gun. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

[Emily]
The repairman tackles him into the can opener and cuts his head open? Is that..? We’re just going to do that?

[Shep]
I mean, it is- see, it seems like that’s the obvious thing to do.

[Thomas]
What if he pushes him back into the can opener and the gun hand swings back and the gun gets caught in the can opener and spins around and gets, like, the top of the gun gets sheared off or the can opener just starts shooting bullets all over the place.

[Emily]
That’s why I was going to say the can opener just start shooting the gun. And then the priest gets killed that way.

[Thomas]
Does the Priest die or is he arrested?

[Shep]
I mean, if we want to have a proper, happy Hollywood ending, he’s got to live and be arrested so that he can confess and clear the name of the can opener repairman.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
He can just get maimed. We could just maim him at the end with the can opener.

[Shep]
Or it shoots him in the shoulder because-

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Right. Is there, like, an ironic way for him or ironic place for him to be shot?

[Emily]
The balls.

[Thomas]
Be nice if there was something that we could set up the first time the Priest comes around in the story to where later we can bring that back.

[Shep]
Right. He’s famous for how big his balls are for some reason. That’s why the blackmail photos that don’t show a face because he’s wearing a mask still reveal that it’s the priest, because his giant balls are visible.

[Emily]
That’s right.

[Shep]
Now I’m thinking, like, top secret style. The priest is, like, bulging testicles, and he’s like, well, “You know, I don’t have sex, so this is what happened.”

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
“This is normal.”

[Emily]
Builds up.

[Thomas]
Wouldn’t that be normal for all priests then?

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
It doesn’t have to get shot in the balls. There are other body parts. Could he get shot in a way that would make it the stigmata? I’m going to hell.

[Thomas]
Yeah. The gun starts rotating, and the can opener starts going off, and he’s like and puts his hands up, and “Ow! Ow!” That’s funny.

[Shep]
Yep, that’s pretty good.

[Thomas]
And then once the gun- it shoots a bunch of rounds and rotates around in the thing and then just falls apart. So it’s not useful anymore. Do all the mobsters come running in with their guns because they heard shots being fired?

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
I feel like everybody needs to get there all at once, the police and the mob.

[Emily]
So they all show up guns drawn.

[Shep]
So is the priest confessing when everyone is there with their guns drawn? Like he’s yelling at the can opener repairman?

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah, he could be. “You ruined everything. It was a perfect plan.”

[Emily]
“She was going to stay with me.”

[Thomas]
“Do you know how hard it was to arrange this whole thing?” Whatever we want him to say.

[Shep]
Right. The detailed plan that we didn’t even see all of.

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
Oh, and there has to be, like, one of those live PD type of things. We established at the beginning that the police are being followed by live streaming cameras or something.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
So that’s been broadcast.

[Shep]
Cops style.

[Thomas]
Yeah, exactly. It’s been broadcast to everyone in real time. He can’t take it back. Nobody can cover anything up, like, that’s it, it’s out.

[Shep]
Yes. That’s a nice, tidy resolution.

[Emily]
Yep.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Does the priest go and “I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you damn can opener repairman. You meddling can opener repairman.”

[Emily]
I was gonna suggest that.

[Thomas]
So what’s the denouement? Is he still repairing can openers and being a kleptomaniac?

[Shep]
And dealing drugs on the side now that everyone’s asking him for drugs all the time?

[Thomas]
Yeah, right. That doesn’t go away. That doesn’t get cleared up. Does he ever know that part?

[Shep]
He’s got to know that because he sees on TV the news are broadcasting his photo as the drug dealer, so he knows why everyone’s asking him for drugs.

[Thomas]
Right. Yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah. Maybe he does just start selling drugs. There’s now an open market.

[Shep]
I don’t want him to deal drugs, but I do like it if people are constantly asking him for drugs.

[Thomas]
Right.

[Shep]
Especially if you ever make a sequel, you just have that as a thing every once in a while.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Does the mayor’s daughter fall in love with him or kiss him?

[Shep]
No!

[Emily]
No. All right.

[Thomas]
He thinks that’s what’s going to happen.

[Emily]
She’s like “Ew. No.”

[Thomas]
And she’s like, “Ew.”

[Emily]
“You’re a repairman.”

[Thomas]
“You’re like, old.”

[Emily]
Do they ever find the body of the drug dealer?

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Oh, yeah.

[Shep]
She knows where the body is. It’s still in the trunk of her car.

[Thomas]
Did the priest help? Maybe the priest orchestrated it so that- Oh, because she really was a victim, she didn’t actually do it. The priest did it. Right?

[Emily]
Right.

[Thomas]
So he orchestrated this scene between them where he could step in and be the hero and convince her, “Oh, you’re in danger.”

[Shep]
“I’ll grant you sanctuary. Come to my-“

[Thomas]
“The cops are going to think you did it, so come with me” and really, so yeah. He’s like, “I’ll take care of everything. Don’t worry about it.”

[Shep]
That’s good, because now she’s not the killer.

[Thomas]
Right. So that clears everything up for everybody. It’s just one person who did everything wrong. And we get that justice at the end.

[Shep]
Yep. So what is the, what is the ending ending? What is he doing after?

[Thomas]
We need to establish a want for him early on that he can fulfill. And maybe it’s something lame, like, there’s a can opener museum in Sheboygan, and he really wants to go. And so it’s him on vacation. Or there’s a can opener museum in Fiji that he really wants to go to. Something like that. I don’t know.

[Shep]
And the Fijians are coming up to him like, “Do you gotta … just a little.”

[Thomas]
Oh, he’s got to go to Jamaica. Right. Or he’s got that ticket to Colombia that is going unused.

[Shep]
Yep. So there’s got to be another mix up at the very, very end. That’s the stinger.

[Thomas]
Yeah. Something like that. Something the writers can figure out.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
A humorous button for us to end on.

[Emily]
Something with underwear.

[Shep]
Yeah. He opens his briefcase, and it’s drugs.

[Emily]
It’s just more panties.

[Shep]
Yeah. It’s panties. And he spreads it. He’s like, “What the” and he picks them up, and underneath there’s just cocaine.

[Thomas]
He’s on his way out of the hotel. He’s just grabbing whatever. Right. He picks up somebody’s suitcase and walks away with it.

[Shep]
Oh. Because he’s got sticky fingers.

[Thomas]
Because he’s got sticky fingers. And he opens it, and it’s women’s underwear and bags of cocaine. Look directly into camera. “Uh oh!”

[Shep]
“Oh, boy.”

[Thomas]
“Gulp.” Big tugging on his collar. All right.

[Emily]
I think we have a good story, guys.

[Shep]
I think we have a workable story.

[Emily]
I’m setting the standards low this week.

[Shep]
We have the framework.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
If we had a couple more weeks, we could really fill out a lot of the farcical stuff.

[Thomas]
Considering we started with the premise of can opener, I’m honestly sort of surprised we got this far. This was definitely a tricky one.

[Shep]
Yes.

[Emily]
Yes.

[Shep]
Agreed.

[Thomas]
But I really like the farcical nature of this. The absurdist comedy is very funny to me, and I think it’s not a genre we’ve really touched on yet, ever. Is it.

[Emily]
Not really. I don’t think we’ve done.

[Thomas]
Not like this.

[Emily]
We did.

[Shep]
Well, the Turkey Baster was kind of farcical.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Shep]
Not to this extent.

[Thomas]
Right. I guess, in a way, Toilet Brush kind of is, because it’s not the same level, though.

[Shep]
Yeah.

[Emily]
No.

[Thomas]
It’s farcical, but not absurdist, I would say.

[Shep]
Right.

[Thomas]
Yeah.

[Shep]
This is absurdist, which we haven’t really done.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
Well, we all love it, but we’d love to hear your thoughts on today’s show about a Can Opener. Does this one do exactly what it says on the tin, or should we kick the can? Let us know by leaving a comment on our website, reaching out on social media, or sending us an email. Links to all of those can be found at AlmostPlausible.com The highest praise you can give us would be to tell someone you know about the show. If there’s anyone in your life who likes movies, writing, podcasts, or just having fun in general, be sure to tell them about Almost Plausible. They can find the show wherever they listen to podcasts. Be sure to come back for more with Emily, Shep, and I on the next episode of Almost Plausible.

[Outro music]

[Thomas]
Can we shoot this, like, 15 years ago so that Leslie Nielsen can have a cameo?

[Emily]
Right?

[Shep]
You made me sad. So you get a time machine and it’s like, “What are you going to do? Are you going to go back and stop Hitler?” “Oh, but I thought about this Leslie Nielsen cameo that I wanted. I can only use the time machine once. So. Priorities.”

[Emily]
And then we can get Paris Hilton to play the part of the mayor’s daughter.

[Thomas]
See?

[Emily]
It works out.

[Thomas]
Perfect.

[Shep]
All right. I stand corrected.

[Thomas]
I mean, everyone kills Hitler their first time, so someone else is bound to.

[Emily]
Yeah.

[Thomas]
I don’t need to be the one to do it. That’s the problem. It’s everyone in the future’s mentality is, “I don’t need to kill Hitler. Someone else will do it.” And that’s why it didn’t happen. Yet.